No more.

I don't want to give any more of me to anyone.

I haven't been here in a while.

Re-reading old posts is interesting.

It brings up a lot of feelings.

I miss you God. So much.

And I don't know how to get back to you.

I don't feel a fire, or a conviction.

I think I can say I don't want to go back.

But I want to want to.

I want to want to.

I want to want.

I want to.

I want.

I.

Maybe that's the problem.

I, me, always about myself.

God, I miss you.

God, I miss.

God, I.

God.

Maybe that's better.

Sigh.

What's been on my tumblr recently.

*

what?

…the things we hold onto, our vices fill us up.

We plug that hole with our guilt and pride in carrying those things, ashamed to never share them.

But when we finally do get it all out, pour ourselves out we feel so empty.

Where do we run to? What do we fill that hole with?

Do we just run back to our vices because they feel so familiar? so filling?

Or do we run to Christ?

We’re scared to do that not only because it’s so unfamiliar at times but also because we’re too ashamed…

No guilt in life, no fear in death right?

Ugh.

Of course I’m just running back to my vices.

*

This is probably all bs, prideful rhetoric.

So I’m down here in South Carolina. Visiting/helping/staying with my mom.

The weather’s really nice here. It reminds me of when I was on missions.

It reminds me of how much we depended on God, like it was the very air we breathed. I swear I had my eyes closed more than half the time, in prayer. Yaknow? (semi-exaggerating. We did pray tons tho. Basically everything we did, we did it with prayer leading the way) Even without sight, just depending on God.

And I can’t help but be nostalgic about that. Feeling like my heart is trapped in a tower, looking out towards what I once was.

Come like a rushing wind God, stir it up in my heart Lord.

*

Mom has some new job opportunities. I’m really happy for her. I will be praying about this as well as helping her out as much as I can.

*

Hrm. Let’s see. The last few weeks… hooked up with a friend. Smoked pot. Drank a bunch. Had fun, not gonna lie…

Here’s the thing. What we say and what we feel are two different things. People wonder how I can say some things and act differently…

Maybe I am being fake. Ionno. But I can choose to act according to my will, despite my feelings. Even if I dislike someone I can still choose to do my best to bless that person (as if my blessings have any merit without Christ…) or serve that person.

Even if I have lust towards a girl, I can still have self control.

Even if I have pride, I can do my best in attempting to stay humble.

Or, the flipside. Even if I am saved I can still act sinfully.

But Christ here, when he died for our sins, did it both out of love and choice.

How we pale in comparison to him.

*

Why are we so scared to say that Christ loves us despite all of this?

We are so weak. We’re lame.

I am so weak. I am so lame.

I am scared to not only say the fact that Christ loves me, that God loves me, but also to accept that fact.

But isn’t this the Gospel? That despite everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, and will happen this week and the next, God still loves me. He still looks at me and sees Christ, who came down and saved me?

How… coincidental, or maybe ironic that my name is Sean.

Sean —> John —> God is Gracious.

How gracious you are God, unto me that despite everything going on around me, my pride, my lust, my selfishness, that you still love me.

How great thou art.

Can you break my heart? I don’t have the foundation to begin to do that myself.

I don’t have the means to that myself, God.

Can you melt my heart again God?

I want my actions to be based out of love, not just discipline or the way I choose to act. I want it to be in worship, out of response to your grace.

*

I repent. Honestly, not wholeheartedly. I’m just trying to be real.

I understand, in my mind, the gravity of the situation but my heart is holding me back.

And, I repent for repenting, that I even have the nerve to repent, to come before you and say that I’m sorry.

I know that you have your arms wide open for me, but darkness has nothing to do with light, but thank you Jesus, dying for my sins that I can continue to try, continue to get up.

You are not my excuse to give up, but my excuse to continue to try.

*

K.Time to hide this with a bunch of re-blogs of art that i like.

Mmmm. Re-downloaded 30 seconds to mars. All of it.
Including the new stuff....

Remembered one of the songs (The Kill) was on when I made my way to the bathroom with a knife. Almost cut myself. Friend talked me out of it.

*this was like four years ago...

It's still a very good song. It moves me.

Moves me.

Move me.

I feel like such shit right now.

*

You're studying abroad. I bet you're having the time of your life.

My GPA wasn't high enough for that.

*

I want to tell you everything.

But I feel like the last time I did that I just made you insecure.

*

Where are these feelings for you coming from?

I never felt this way about you before.

*

I want to be back in Boston now. I like seeing my mom, I like the weather here, but I want to go back now.

*

Maybe it's because I vented last night that I'm feeling so insecure and vulnerable...

Im craving intimacy again.

I'm such a hedonist.

I wanna get high right now.

I'm such a hedonist.

*

Why am I so scared to say that Christ loves me? That God loves me? That the Holy Spirit is still living in me, working in me, even if it's unseen?

*

Why am I sitting here bitching?
God has me in his hands right?
Ugh. I'm going to be okay.

I've gone through things and made it out okay.

God has brought me through things and made me okay.

Ugh.

I want someone. So badly. Maybe I'm being too picky.

...why do I sound like a thirteen year old? Sigh.