20 days later I picked up the bible.

*

Thanks for stopping the rain... who knows what I would've done if I continued...

Well, I guess you would've known, which is why you stopped it. right?

*

I'm trying God, I swear.

*

...good thing I didn't write anything here yesterday.

*

My dreams are getting more intense...

Hahahaha.....

Lots to write here.

Dance pushed it back into the maw.

*

I have no family.

*

I don't know how to be loved.
Nor do I know how to accept it.

*

...Because I see myself as nothing.

*

I keep striving to be _ .
Leave me be.
Leave me alone.

Hohoho.

Sunday was a little better than I expected.

But better is a direction, and I'm not necessarily sure which way, this, better is pointing.

*

Is it worth the risk?

I want to be intertwined with you. It's true.
(Will this feeling last?)
But is it worth the risk of losing all of it?

*

Hohoho.

*

Service? Or Reconnect?

Which one God?

Which one?

Which?

This is the first time I've prayed in a while.

Can I even call it praying?

Or is it just more word vomit to you, God?

How messed up I must be God...

I know there will always be something missing God, but I don't know if I miss it.

I'm... okay today. Happy. Today.

Hah. So..,

Burnt out.

Definitely burnt out.
Tired of trying...

Heart is getting colder, and colder.
I feel like I'm covering the outside with metal plates + spikes, and there's only a few open spots left.
But I've draped all of this with a smiley face banner =]

Burnt out. Bitter.

I just don't get it.

Recently I stopped doing QT. I just... missed it.

I didn't mean to.

But, life went on as if nothing had happened.

I've been cursing a lot more recently.

I've been sinning, watching porn here and there.

So it goes...

I'll probably have my first drink in a while, soon.

Fck man.

I feel terrrible.

Voices... telling me too much...

Fuck everything man...

I don't wanna go to church anymore...

I swear... God's love doesn't mean sht to me...

So what... so what...

It doesn't change how I feel.

You hold me now? No suffering? No shame?

When. When...

It means nothing.

This doesn't mean anything...

I don't even know where to start... what to say...

"Just stop..."

"Yeah... the blood would look pretty..."

"You can take painkillers... lessen the pain... yaknow?"

"Leave me alone."

"I have to worry about you,
We're family now."

"You think so much, all the time, to the point where you've conditioned yourself to even think while you sleep."

'sanybody out there?

Hahaha.

I'm still up writing a paper. Talking about necessity when it comes to attempting to prove the possibility of a supreme divine being.
Interesting stuff...

I don't feel at home. Anywhere. And I almost think it's funny as hell.
Maybe that's the caffine and sleep getting to me... but it kinda is.

I could start drinking again, than my lens kicks in, says I'm not bein a good person. I beat myself up, I stop drinking. Question everything.
Over and over again.
Question everything.

Could start smoking. It's always been around me. The smell of it is nostalgic na'msayin?
Then again, I'd probably die.

Could smoke pot. I'd probably love that feeling.
But then why?

Mutt.
Don't belong anywhere. I gotta do this stuff for me. Gotta get goin, move on with life na'msayin? There's no end, no rest for the weary.
Shit man, old wounds re-opening God, you bringing this stuff up to the top so we can deal with it?

Stop talking to me man. Are you really just trying to be like that? Do you think I'm dumb or something? What are you trying to pull?

Shitman. What's a mutt supposed to do?

Bitter towards Church, your Church God.
Indifferent towards you God.
Tryin to figure things out.
Liking some people... resenting others.

Crap I'm getting tired.

Could use some rest. Could use a vacation.

Ah. Yes.

I miss your face,
the funny things you used to say
Made me cry today,
I don't wanna cry no more,
No more...

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

Somebody's dying today and new babys are born,
Some celebrate their life and other's heart's are torn,
Some cry at the funeral, others party the birthdays,
Some say that it's a zen ying yang the earthway,
God gave it a life so he could take it away at anytime he wants
No matter how much I pray, when the time is done
Lordy Lord don't have no mercy,
When it's time to go,
Well it's time to go...
Life's a -----, then you die, I know
But Lord, how do you choose whos staying and who's not?
and I was praying with all my heart that you choose not him, not her
and why not them Crooked cops and theives
Who took my watch and teeth,
Drug dealers and killers who just pop and then leave,
Criminals and pedifiles raping women and children,
Dumb presidents and villains
On a killing spree, to fill up they greed
To get what they need at all cost.

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

I'm loosing faith like my name was BIG,
The life after death, I don't know if I be up in heaven
For questioning you and having a doubt
Would you condemned me to hell if I scream
and shout to the Lord's name in vein
For that I'm going insane,
Feeling pain for my main man that left me early,
No mercy like that thug that I met up in Jersey
was trippin for my chain, he really wanted to hurt me,
Got me nervous on purpose, acted like he gonna mirk me
Shifty undercover cop lowdown and dirty playing God's game
Just to let me know he can
I'm a brave heart, but he had a gat in his hand,
He was a one of many devils
with them heavy metals,
Who likes to meddle with them people
with hearts of angels,
But my man wasn't,
He was a good father, a son, a loving husband,
Beloved by the dozen, 9 to 5 just to get by a regular dude
But he was gifted
His mind was a miraculous tool,
Watchin' his moves like spectacular cool.
He had passions of Christ and compassions of Buddha.
When my mind wondered off 3:10 to Yuma
He dealt with my pain and many others,
For real he felt my pain, better than any doctors,
He was a reason that I'm breathing and he's not no more...
What for, Lord, I know that the world is yours, What for...
He not breathing no more,
You didn't have to take him, we got devils galore...

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

I miss your face,
the funny things you used to say
Made me cry today,
I don't wanna cry no more,
No more...

***

so it goes.

Love. Smile. That's what we gotta do. No?

FUCK. GOD. THE WORLD IS BLEEDING. DO SOMETHING.

We can't.
There's nothing we can do to stop the bleeding.
God... do something...

You are good. This is all I know now. I know nothing else...

God I'm holding on I swear... I think I am... I don't know if I am...

Or are you holding onto me?

God... I know you're bringing up some deep shit that needs to be dealt with now...

Just... let's do it. Let's fix this stuff.

I can't do it on my own...

UGH. GOD.

Girr God.

Girr.

How come your love isn't reassuring to me anymore? Your blessings, your promises...

Is there something wrong with me?

Ugh.

I did have a really nice day today though.

Thanks God.

I'm going to feel depressed.
I'm going to feel joy.
I'm going to feel sadness.
I'm going to feel happiness.

But I won't give up.

I can get A's.
I can get B's.
I can get C's
I can fail.

But I will not give up.

I may not be a good son.
I may not be a good dancer.
I may not be a good student.
I may not be a good musician.
I may not be a good fencer.
I may not be a good friend.
I may not be a good Christian.

But I will not give up.

Even when I want to kill myself.
Even when I want to get high.
Even when I want to get shitfaced.
Even when I want to stop putting in an effort to be good.
Even when I want to stop putting in an effort.
Even when I want to stop.

I will not give up.

Life will throw everything at me.
The Devil will throw everything at me.
(I don't know if/but/maybe) God might throw things at me.

I will not give up.

I swear, tonight. For the rest of my life.

Whatever happens.

I swear...

I won't fuckin' give up.

You hear me?

You na'msayin?

I won't fuckin' give up.

I will not give up.

Ah. I didn't get out of bed till a few minutes ago.

I read your word.
But the words weren't being read.

I'm back in that hole again.

I don't know why I'm here.
I have theories.
They all conflict.

Usually about how messed up I am.

Last night's dream was twofold...

I drove to my grandparents/neighbors house, then we all got in the car together and started driving to church.

I then was working at a small Korean mart...
Cleaning the shelves, helping people out.
I needed a rag to clean, not a hag...
It's okay I understand, you think I don't speak Korean...

I'm not doing anything today...

Four Dreams in a hour and a half nap.

1st Dream...
At school, pouring rain, Korean restaurant, the bad guys aren't really bad people. You should be nicer to him, he sits alone. But thanks for the free food Yimo. They appreciated it. Thanks for the food, head chef. I appreciated it. Hope the trial goes well Yimo.

2nd Dream...
At home, Dad and Uncle need to do business, Phone call from Dad, Argument... But my Dad lost his phone. Don't yell at me Dad... It's not my fault I swear...

3rd Dream... I forgot??

4th Dream...
Pier, Haunted House, Scavenger Hunt, Camping/Sleepover, Special Girl, Thief...
Come back with our stuff... Oh wait you guys go on ahead, she hurt her hand...

Ho.

The last few days... have been good.

And I wont lie, God.

I'm a little nervous.

Because I want you to be my one and only, and I don't want to place anything higher than you.

And I'm scared I'll get too comfortable with this happiness.

Keep me humble... all the praise goes to you... none to me... this is all of your doing...

Hrm. But it seems like you've been answering prayers.

So I will keep on praying, trying to do what's right.

Ah.

Trying to do what's right.

Trying to do.

Trying.

Ah. Good you are good.

God it was nice that you brought me back to church. =]
Thank you for giving me happiness the last few days.
Really... all the glory goes to you.
You are... Good. So so good. Oh so good. Oh, oh, Good. Oh, OH, Good.
God you are Good.

Ah. Thank you...

God, thanks for letting me... talk to her about you, really, just really show her what you mean to me.
God you are my first love, as much as I like her, and as much as she makes me happy, God, you are 100x better.

I want you to mean to her, what you mean to me...
and I mean that.

Thanks for her God =]
She makes me happy.