I don't even understand right now.

I can't even.

I'm so frustrated.

Little things to top off my day.

I don't even want to do anything right now.

And that also sickens me. Makes me sick to my stomach. How pathetic. How fucking weak.

I'm everything I hate.

Fucking sickening.

I'm so frustrated.
So torn.

I don't even know.

How do you do it?

How are you so firm on the gospel that nothing seems to shake you?
That every temptation doesn't bother you?
That sin doesn't seem to pierce your armor?

How are you so dependent on God?
So faithful?
So in love?

How do you do it?

*

I genuinely don't know.
Am I supposed to fall more in love?
Or is it a realization? A strike of inspiration?
Do I need to discipline myself more?
Or do I do nothing at all?

Ugh.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs right now.

But it's still all on the inside.

*

If this is all predestined...

ugh. I don't even know.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

I'm having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep these days...

I'm also scared that I'm actually a like me minor.

But I am getting more comfortable with myself these days, I think.

Which is good. I need to learn to not be so dependent on other people.

I need to learn how to be single.

And just single. Nothing else.

I need to learn to stop objectifying people.

Ugh. God, would your will be done in me, that I would be redeemed not just in the life to come, but in my life right now.