Images...

#1 --> Big Heart... Sleeping... God Dancing over me... even when I'm not awake... A train to Vegas... "Amazing..."
#2 --> Scuba Gear... diving into water... A vast dark sky... littered with stars...
#3 --> 1st Timothy 4:12-14
#4 --> Father... Mother... Heaviness... Lightness...
#5 --> Sailor... I'm on a ship... God is on board... There are people... but I'm not necessarily connected... The ship is heading the right way... I am an officer... but I just signed on recently...
***
Interesting...
***
God... I want to grow in intimacy... and just chill with you...
So I will =]
You're already here... with me... in me...
We need your presence all the time... but you already here with me...
I just need to chill with you =]
***
Ty God, for tonight. For Today. For Your Love. For Your Grace...
***
#1 --> Big heart... want to give it... resting in God... peace...
#2 --> Swimming in his love... his grace... clarity... something bigger... awesome... fear of God...
#3 --> Remember.... focus... It's okay... God is with me... like a light...
#4 --> Lift it up to God...
#5 --> I'm on the right track... I'm headed in the right direction... Sailing with God... Family... create bonds... relationships... Anchor?
***
Oh happiness....

Thinking about...

...cutting things out... reaching out as well.
Lots of relationship-type things.
I had a great thanksgiving =]
Ended up talking to my mom about marriage + relationships, and where I am, and how awesome God is...
Good lunch... the tea at PF Chang's isn't that bad at all... hahaha
***
It was just so clear... all the things God has given me, and still is giving me, and is just blessing me with...
***
When you first get into a relationship... there's the passion, the puppy love...
And once you get past that stage... you begin to learn, and really see, (Or should be learning...) who the other person is...
And as you begin to learn... you move into the... responsibility that comes with being in a relationship...
***
I also realized some things about myself, and the relationships I have with other people... or have had with other people...
I'm generally myself, with anybody... but there are people who I tend to watch what I say with, and there are people who I feel... guarded towards.
The people who I don't feel guarded towards, the people who I can just... speak freely with, without my guard up, are the closest friends I have... are the people who I love spending time with... and... is something I want to have when it comes to... whenever the next time I get into a relationship is...
***
I felt very guarded with some people in the past... I was open, very honest... but oh so guarded...
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I don't want that...
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There needs to be a complete trust and open-ness, to each other...
All the physical stuff, is a by-product of love, not a pre-cursor to it...
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Oh so broken... but oh so joyous... God just makes his perfection know through our imperfections... our weaknesses are blessings...
***
I'm trying to lift up things more and more to God, depending on him, realizing I cannot do things without him...
***
So today... I'm feeling... Blah. It may be because I'm tired... or maybe it's the weather... but I do feel.... bleeehhhh... Trying to lift it up to God... Aigoo...
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God you are good, every day, so why should I stop praising you because of how I feel?
You are Good. God. =]
***
I want to grow with the holy spirit... converse with it... walk with it... follow it...
I want to chill with it... chill with God.
***
I want to be chillin' with the King.

Thank you...

...God.

These last couple of days have been amazing =]

And I haven't been happy for all of them,

But you have been good through it all.

God I am thankful.

***

You brought me here to South Carolina, to spend time with family, you reunited me with my mom.

Thank You.

You've given me such a great life, and even good weather down here.

Thank You.

The choices that you've given to me, the choices you've let me choose, the way you made me.

Thank You.

The hurt I feel, the pain I feel.

Thank You.

Refining Fire.

Thank You.

Grace and Mercy.

Thank You.

Love.

Thank You.

I love you.

***

Mmmm. That being said, all the glory goes to God...

So... thinking of a few things...

***

Drinks were served at dinner. I didn't drink. But I was thinking about...

Self-control.

My aunt came up to me and asked me if she should stop drinking.

I'm just thinking to myself, it's up to you. You have the power...

You have the choice of self-control.

And that doesn't mean not drinking necessarily, but that means you're choosing to control what you do.

Mmmm.

Once I get older maybe I'll start drinking with family again.

But then again by that time, maybe I won't need it at all =]

***

Potential... I've had this thought a few times... that like, when we're born, we're like circles, able to progress and grow in an infinite number of points outwards. (Yaknow? Like... perpedicular to all the infinite points of a circle...)

And as we grow, we shape ourselves, become different...

And as that happens, our potential changes as well, coming out of us at different angles and directions.

Hrm....

***

Give it all to God.

Alpha + Omega.

Wutwut. That's MY king.

***

People aren't subjects. When we love, we shouldn't love... subjectively, but... objectively...

Taking in and seeing everything there is to see.

Love vs. Blindness.

***

So.

Opposing forces...?

Courage vs. Insanity Maybe not necessarily...

Knowledge enhances both sides.

Fear can stop both from happening.

We choose courage, or insanity.

But God reigns supreme here. Letting all of this happen.

Giving us this choice...

Shaping us...

Loving us...

Word.

***

Happy Thanksgiving =]

Gly. No matter what.

Good...

...morning. God.

I dunno what made me think that my life was of value.

I don't know what made me think that I was a star in your movie.

God I don't want to find value in my life.

I want to life it up to you.

The good, and the bad.

***

Get over yourself.

***

Even though I had learned recently that I don't have control over these things, I had forgotten in just as quickly...

Ha.

Get over yourself.

I want to get over myself.

I want to see past this illusion that I have control over my life.

'Cause God, there is so much out of my control.

And God, you are in control.

I need you.

Can't do it without you.

Can't do anything, without you.

I haven't...

...even done my QT yet.

And I'm damn near well about to cry.

Damn this hurts...

***

Last night, in my dreams. You were there.

Like a simple plan, pop-punk wannabe emo breakup song.

You were there.

And it hurts.

You might as well have ignored me, giving me only the leftovers of your greetings and cheer as you waltzed through the library.

And I walked home alone at one in the morning.

He was a nice guy, I even admitted it.

And he probably doesn't even exist outside of my head.

But you were happy with him.

And in your moment of weakness, you ran to him, in front of me.

Damn this hurts.

This hurts a lot.

And all I wanted was to grow.

***

I don't even know how to channel this stuff, or face it.

Months ago I would've found someone else to suck face with and move on.

Damn is it usually this hard? I mean I guess the old ones aren't supposed to be visiting you in your dreams...

I have so many questions to ask.

I have so many mixed feelings.

I want to be angry, but that wouldn't solve anything...
I want to be happy, but I'm not... not right now.
I want to move on, but for some reason it's so hard...
I feel so pathetic... 'cause it seems like this hasn't phased you at all...

I don't really mind feeling pathetic, I just don't want to lie to myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Not now.

***

I want to reach out for help.

I want a hug right now.

But I really feel like, that I would just be doing the same thing, turning to girls for comfort.

***

And I woke up that split second you went to him.

And my thoughts turned to God immediately. And that makes me happy.

And God, I want to grow...

I prayed that you would open my eyes, and help me grow. I don't want to ask for things, I don't want to ask for this or that.

I just want to understand.

To grow.

But it just hurts so much right now God.

And maybe that's okay.

Yeah. I think that's okay.

...I just want to know if there's something I should be doing about it God...

***

Growing pains.

***

So I went back to sleep...

and I became trapped in a dream.

Where you had seen

What I had written.

And of course then it all went to hell.

Yelling at friends,

Getting angry,

Eating lunch with mom in Korea,

Old guys telling me I'm going to the wrong church...

Racing atv's in a valley,

The hell is going on in my head...