Friday, November 20, 2009

I haven't...

...even done my QT yet.

And I'm damn near well about to cry.

Damn this hurts...

***

Last night, in my dreams. You were there.

Like a simple plan, pop-punk wannabe emo breakup song.

You were there.

And it hurts.

You might as well have ignored me, giving me only the leftovers of your greetings and cheer as you waltzed through the library.

And I walked home alone at one in the morning.

He was a nice guy, I even admitted it.

And he probably doesn't even exist outside of my head.

But you were happy with him.

And in your moment of weakness, you ran to him, in front of me.

Damn this hurts.

This hurts a lot.

And all I wanted was to grow.

***

I don't even know how to channel this stuff, or face it.

Months ago I would've found someone else to suck face with and move on.

Damn is it usually this hard? I mean I guess the old ones aren't supposed to be visiting you in your dreams...

I have so many questions to ask.

I have so many mixed feelings.

I want to be angry, but that wouldn't solve anything...
I want to be happy, but I'm not... not right now.
I want to move on, but for some reason it's so hard...
I feel so pathetic... 'cause it seems like this hasn't phased you at all...

I don't really mind feeling pathetic, I just don't want to lie to myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Not now.

***

I want to reach out for help.

I want a hug right now.

But I really feel like, that I would just be doing the same thing, turning to girls for comfort.

***

And I woke up that split second you went to him.

And my thoughts turned to God immediately. And that makes me happy.

And God, I want to grow...

I prayed that you would open my eyes, and help me grow. I don't want to ask for things, I don't want to ask for this or that.

I just want to understand.

To grow.

But it just hurts so much right now God.

And maybe that's okay.

Yeah. I think that's okay.

...I just want to know if there's something I should be doing about it God...

***

Growing pains.

***

So I went back to sleep...

and I became trapped in a dream.

Where you had seen

What I had written.

And of course then it all went to hell.

Yelling at friends,

Getting angry,

Eating lunch with mom in Korea,

Old guys telling me I'm going to the wrong church...

Racing atv's in a valley,

The hell is going on in my head...

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