I don't...

...even know where to begin...
***
I misunderstand. Therefore... because I do not understand I am not smart.
I am imperfect.
I make mistakes. Therefore, because I am not right all the time.
I am imperfect.
I am to be what I see as perfect.
I want to be perfected.
However I cannot reach any of these things.
So I am Imperfect.
Because I am imperfect.
Who am I to judge.
Who am I to speak?
To make accusations or to get angry?
I am imperfect.
***
I blame you. However, I am imperfect. Who am I to blame?
On what grounds can I blame you? For the way you've made me?
And you, for the hurt that you've caused me?
For I'm sure I have become a burden on your part.
I'm sure that I am not helpful enough to you.
And that I am not good enough for you.
***
But you God, you say that you love me.
You sent your one and only son to die for me.
But I see myself as undeserving.
Who am I that I can either accept or deserve that love?
So... I strive to be perfect.
But is this perfection, something that cannot be reached? Or infinitely far away?
I still see it as something that I can reach.
I cannot reach it.
I cannot reach.
I cannot.
I am imperfect.
***
What am I to say to you?
That you hurt me? That you made me like this? Fuck you?
For I'm sure I hurt you, For I'm sure that I was a burden upon you, For I'm sure you've muttered under your breath against me.
And that, that is my fault.
I am imperfect.
I am not good enough.
***
So they say... God looks at me and sees perfection.
That Christ in Me, makes me perfect.
It is both finished and unfinished, that the sincerity in my heart is what God looks for and understands.
That he realizes that life is hard. That we are imperfect.
Why can't I accept this?
It seems to be because that I don't think that I deserve it.
I am imperfect.
***
And so I want to be caring... compassionate... smart... because I see those values as being good, perfect values.
These seem to be my own values.
And the values put on by others.
But... to be burdensome, to be a bother, to be weak, to be unable to look after ones own self, is not good. So I become stuck, between opening my mouth, or forever holding my silence.
I open my mouth only because I know the want of care, the want to listen.
I don't wish to ruin the happiness of others. So I keep my mouth shut.
Yet... this conflicts with who, as a sinner, I am and what I want.
***
But now this arises... that my imperfection and want for perfection stems neither from the want to glorify God nor the compassionate desires in my heart, but my own selfish desires and wants to become perfect... like Christ, like God, in the most selfish, self-glorifying idol-istic way.
Both desires... to do good, and to do bad stem from my sinful desires.
And even they clash within each other. The voice of God joining the fray and turning my mind into a battlefield.
***
So when the mask gets taken off... is there really sincerity? Is there really a want for God? There might be a perseverance... (C.S. Lewis) But then what?
I am left with depravity, and sin, and nothing good in me... except for what doesn't belong to me... the love of Christ, God's love for us, his grace, Christ's blood.
***
Why don't I understand this love.
***
So I say, forget about me, leave me the fuck alone. For I am imperfect. You cannot benefit from my life, and I can do nothing for you.
And again, I ask myself, am I acting out of sincerity or for a want of attention?
If I were to say, "You can find me at the end of a knife, the bottom of a bottle, or the source of smoke." Would you care? Or better yet.
Do I want you to care?
Do I excpect someone to read it?
I am weak.
I am imperfect.
Please, step over me as you walk by.
I will smile, but you will not notice me.
So I will cease to do that.
For,
My life is nothing.
That this growth, the point of life, the refining I speak of, not that the bible speaks of, is not from desires to Glorify God, but my own.
I am, on my own.
***
But that's not true, now is it?
For the Holy Spirit, resides in this shit house that I call my heart.
Dirty walls, a crumbling foundation.
***
What the fuck do I do now?
Do I persevere with faith?
Act in confidence and courage?
How can I, when I am of sinful origin?
Yet, Christ washes me clean with his blood...
***
Do I really not want it?
Have I become so used to this?
***
What do I know though...
***
God I'm slipping... why am I even holding onto you?
And then a voice says, "You're not even holding onto him. He's holding onto you.
You don't even have the decency to cry out to him. Everything you've done is for yourself, you think you can become your own idea of perfect... No one will ever like you or find value in you... What would ever make you think that? You're insane to think that things will change. You can't offer anyone anything. Who are you to think that you can judge those around you when you don't even set a good example? They're not like you, they won't be like you, nor would they want to be you.

There is nothing good about you.

You should probably just go away."
***
And now that I know what's wrong with me... I have become paralyzed, unable to act, to come to the cross, to repent, which is the point of all of this...
To repent, to be redeemed...
***
Don't I have faith? Or has it sunk back and become knowledge now...?
What am I supposed to do?
***
So when I don't speak to you for a while, I assume you're too busy for me... out having fun... why should I take away from that, and ruin it? So I'll keep trying to smile.
You seem to be having a good life, all of you. I would only make that worse.
"Well what about their growth? Would you serve for their growth?"
"Well... I would if I could. But I cannot... how can I trust myself around them? It would only end in pain, suffering, regret. I cannot offer anything to anyone."
"Become a living sacrifice. Devote your life to me. My yoke is easy and my burden is light."
"Then I would have only you, just like it has been, for everyone I meet I continue to judge them... and in them I see my own imperfections... I don't fit in anywhere. I have nothing to contribute."
"Why don't you see that I love you?"
"That's right... why DON'T you see that he loves you? You are ungrateful and spoiled that you can't even see and understand and know that. You should just go away."
***
What is wrong with me...?
Oh wait that's right... I'm imperfect.
I'll stop talking.
For you? or for me?