It's interesting...

...when people point out some things about your own life that you've failed to see.
So.

***

dream xliv (6:16:17 PM): im so like...
dream xliv (6:16:19 PM): melancholy.
dream xliv (6:16:26 PM): i feel like a flatline.
*** (6:16:56 PM): cuz
*** (6:17:06 PM): ur going through a ton of stuff right now
dream xliv (6:17:42 PM): like what?
*** (6:18:08 PM): a breakup, reforming ur relationship with god
*** (6:18:13 PM): those two alone are pretty heavy
*** (6:18:38 PM): and ur doing tons of work with fencing, dancing, praise team, classes,......
dream xliv (6:18:51 PM): oh.
dream xliv (6:18:52 PM): yeah.
*** (6:18:59 PM): lol
dream xliv (6:19:03 PM): HAHAHAHA I kinda forget about that...
dream xliv (6:19:04 PM): >_>
dream xliv (6:19:05 PM): hrm.
dream xliv (6:19:11 PM): that's depressing.
dream xliv (6:19:19 PM): or funny, in a dark way.
*** (6:19:30 PM): thats amazing to me
*** (6:19:36 PM): that youre still standing
dream xliv (6:20:58 PM): why?
dream xliv (6:21:20 PM): =X honest question.
*** (6:21:31 PM): cuz
*** (6:21:37 PM): when i see u or talk to you
*** (6:21:45 PM): you seem to be doing okaY (That irks me for some reason... LOL)
*** (6:21:55 PM): but when i like actually think about everything ur going through
*** (6:22:06 PM): its like wham train hitting you
*** (6:23:54 PM): lol am i just making it worse for you
*** (6:25:27 PM): but the fact that ur withstanding all that and making the best of it is worthy of a round of applause
*** (6:25:28 PM): i think
dream xliv (6:26:00 PM): haa.

***

Haa.
I'm sitting in the library.

Reading a book about... Bluegrass, and death?
I'm enjoying it a lot.

Is that really a lot to be going through? I thought it was kinda normal...

Err... somewhat?

I'd like a hug.
I'd like to cry into someone right now.
I'm pretty tired too.

***

And who cares? I mean, God cares, my friends care, I guess I care.
That's right, I do care.
Less about me, more about other people...
I won't be here for too long. I don't think. It won't seem like that when I look back at my life.
Ha.

***

I'm still here.
Do I want to stand firm like a tree?
Mm. Maybe not a tree... more like...
a shrubbery? (LOL)
or...
something...
something planted near streams. Of living water.
Growing, ever so slowly, yet, yielding.
How Zen.

I've always liked weeping willows.

I'll stop typing now.

I want to be able to...

...accept the chaos and limitness of the world.

To see the chaos, to accept it.

To not try to limit it.

And in this ensuing chaos, like a tree,

I want to stand firm.

***

I recently read a transcribed speech/short talk that David Crowder presented concerning the future of praise, in which direction it was headed.

A couple of the main points entailed that we, as Christians, sing songs to Jesus as if to a God.
This was from the view of someone who wasn't Christian.

The next is that, mathematicians, can find the hypotenuse of a right triangle that has the sides 3-4-x (x being the side that they found.)

And that ultimately you cannot find the hypotenuse of a triangle that has the sides 3-3-x,
without going using irrational numbers.

And it's in this irrationality, or rather, the irrationality of Grace,
That will lead us to the future of praise.

***

Irrationality.

I feel as if,
Certain things will always remain around me.

I have feelings, for instance. These could be ignored, put away, but they still remain.

People are human, they will continue to make mistakes.
And I'm not trying to sell-short the possibility and potential that people have to do
ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING.
I mean, we made it to outer space...

But we are human.

I am human.

C'mon Son.

But the moment I become a firm tree
I think once again, the irrationality will knock me down.
That like a hurricane, God will bend me, with the weight of his mercy.

Hahahaha.

So how do we get out of this?

We don't really.

God calls us to live in a storm, whether or not it's a storm of love, or a storm of the world...
(Y/N?)

Hrm.

***

Faith+Patience
Commitment>Feeling

What else has been in my head this past month...?

***

Maybe the only security comes from knowing,
That this irrationality, this chaos will never cease.
That maybe I shouldn't try to limit it, define it.

But accept it and be thankful for it.

And as much pain as I'm in,

take joy,
rejoice.
Know that, my life is cheap.

Accept the irrationality. Be thankful for it.

Ah.

Rawful.

Like a tree...

...I want to soak up the word.

Psalm 1:3. I tried doing a Lectio Divina on this.

I did it for about 20 minutes.
I want to be able to do it for 30.
And then maybe an hour.

It brought some peace to me.

A tree, has fruit. It has leaves, roots, branches. It can provide shade, and flows with the wind.
It is firmly planted near streams of water. From this water, the living water, it gains it's nourishment.

It grows strong.
It becomes sturdy, immovable.

It yields fruit in season,
In the good season,
In a season, a setting that is helpful for producing fruit.
During this season, the tree, shares it's fruit with us.
It shares.

Out of season, it's leaves do not wither,
For the streams continue to give the tree strength.
During the winter, when times are cold, dry,
The tree stands strong.

And whatever the tree does, it prospers.

For it is FIRMLY PLANTED next to STREAMS OF WATER.

Namean?

Do YOU know what I mean??

Do you KNOW what I mean?

***

I want to be like a giant sequoia.
Stand tall.
Firm.
I want my roots to be huge, so that I may be unshaken.
I want to provide shade for those who need it,
And fruit to those who are hungry.
I don't want to be able to get knocked over, nor die during the winter.
But I still want to be able to sway in the wind.
For God's love is like a hurricane.
Powerful.
I want to bend beneath his wind and mercy.
I want.
To be a tree.

***

Right now, my roots aren't deep, nor am I firmly embedded into the ground.
It makes me nervous.
Certain things make me feel like I could be knocked down at any moment.
I want these things away from me.
But they will always be there.
So instead.

I will take root.
Drink from the cup.
Grow tall.
Grow strong.

Yah.

I think that's good for now.

I am at a loss for words...

...for your blessings pour out on me 24/7.

I love you God. So much.

I have faith.
I will praise you, all day, errday.
My life, be a living sacrifice, old self, crucified at the cross, reborn, in your name.
Romans 1:16.
Daniel 13:16-18.

I have faith.
I believe.
If you throw me in the fire I know God, that you will save me.
And God, my precious, loving, merciful, father...
You have given me comfort, a home, a family, your blessings, your anointment, your holy spirit.
I will worship you.
And even if, and even if, you do not exist.

I will never, ever stop praising you.

YA HEARD ME!?

That is my faith in you God.

I am almost frogging.

You test me, place me in the storm.
You have not called me to live in the middle of a nice white house, with a white picket fence, wife, kids, golden retriever.

You have called me to live in the middle of the storm, calm, knowing that you are in control of what is going on around me.

Lord. Teach me, Guide me, I am yours; now and forever.
I am at a loss for words.
At your grace, overflowing and unending.
Your mercy, always forgiving.
Your love, unspeakable, incredible, awesome, love.

You are the impossible, the greatest. None compares to you Lord.

For the world will fade away, but you will remain.
My body will die, but I will carry on Lord.
You are my Father, My Lord, My Savior, My Friend.
You are God.
And I am yours. Now and Forever.