today wasn't so bad.

be honest.

be responsible.

try to understand.

walk on.

YEH? LAWLRUS.

I feel like I'm going about everything wrong.

I'm not sure if finding this stuff about me is a good thing or a bad thing.

When did I develop this sense of self-pity?

Disgusting.

LOL PITY ME. DO IT.

HA. Even this, is for pity.

I'm doubting everything about myself (<-for pity)

In doubting myself, I'm somewhat seeing all of my bad qualities (<- for pity)

That I'm... in actually a shit, spoiled, selfish person. That most of the things I do are because I want to be perfect/a nice guy. I don't think that there's anything that I do out of good reason. So... as much as I may be nice, I am bad. As much as I think I care, I probably don't. As much as I want to be perfect, I am imperfect.

I am. Not.

Everything I thought was good. Is bad.

Everything I loved about myself, I hate about myself.

And this, is all for pity. Because I'm spoiled. Because I want people to love me, to care about me.

I am a shit person.

I'll be honest and say... that I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing anything for the right reason. Whatever that may be.

Ha.

Whatever.

Would acting to not get pity... be for pity? It seems that way.
Would not acting at all... be for pity? Probably.

I don't know anything.

I am. Not.

Sigh.

What can I say, I am deprave by nature...

The gospel is all twisted in my head...

S'all twisted.

Surrender.

It made sense for about two days.

Then the devil got in my head.

And I lost again.

When I should've been surrendering. Right?

But how the FUCK do you expect me to surrender?

Sigh. There's no starting point.
...less. is what it seems to me,
persecution of the righteous,
means nothing so,
feel free embark on a journey of...

//fuckthat.

Ionno where to start.
Why bother, honestly.
I'm sick and tired of it.
Of everything, really.
I'm sick and tired of Church, the people there, the false care.
My spiritual life seems so bare...
I don't wanna come back to God.
I don't remember what love is. Or what it feels like to be in love.
Or... even, maybe more importantly,
What it feels like to be loved.
Everything seems to have an ulterior motive...
And I'm such a piece of shit.
I'm not righteous. Why would persecution to me grant me the kingdom of heaven?
When I don't deserve shit.
It's not even like I get shit.
All of these possessions of mine, mean nothing.
It's all bullshit.
Wanna slit my wrists. Get it over with. Maybe finally see God face to face.
I feel like that's something I'd do just to spite him...

What are you gonna use me for? What if I just keep fighting your will? How will you use me then? You said you were gonna raise me up, use me, because for some random as fuck reason you said you had chosen me...

Doesn't change shit. I still feel alone, everywhere I go.
People never ask, never know.

How do you expect me to believe in you God?

Fuck man.

Everything I am, I'm not.

I'm turning into what I hate most.

Scratchin the surface, so much more to get to... if only I could vomit it out at once instead of at multiple intervals during the day...

I don't know if it's you or my stomach
'cause I haven't eaten dinner yet, I'm starving.
But at the same time I know my heart. Plummet.
Down down, it's parallel to the feeling in my gut.
Even if this is the holy spirit, I think I might throw up.
But, You tell me to pray, and to read my bible.
I see no reason to comply tho.
God how do you expect me to believe.
When I'm struck down, lonely, in a rut.
You spoke to me, told me: "I'll raise you up."
But I don't see any piece of me that's worthy enough.
How do you expect me to just come back
when what I do says "I don't give a crap."
Look, God I'm trying to be honest and true.
This shit's so hard to do.
Maybe I'm being really childish; I'm lazy, wicked.
Sinful by nature. to the point where i hate you.
I wish I could see a blueprint of your plan.
Just so I know that this ain't a scam.
I don't know if I wanna move on or return.
yearning for you doesn't seem so secure.

How do you expect me to not feel this way?

How do you expect me to not question?

How are you going to lift me up and use me?

Everything I am, I'm not.

How do you expect me to do this?

I don't know that you love me.

How is that supposed to feel?

I don't know that you're pleased with me.

How is that supposed to feel?

How am I supposed to know?

Hrm.

I feel like a heartbreaker right now... in the sense that I've hurt... a lot of people.

That a lot of ties have been broken.

I'm not happy about that.

I guess I've known this for a while.

But I've been thinking about a lot of what ifs...

Probably should stop wasting my time on that...



To you: Sorry, I wonder how things would've been. Maybe we can sit and talk again one day, when my heart isn't in a hundred places... ha.



There's always a risk.

//draft.

It’s all sand,

Running through my hands.

I need a rock.

I need a savior.

and he said...

I have seen you while you cry.
I have never left your side.
I will lift you up high.
I have called you to my side.