LOL If ur not gonna let me go out, at least make me some food, I'm starving... sheesh.

Mmmm.

I feel like crying. Nothing went wrong today.

I had a great week.

But I just feel like crying.

Ionno.

Maybe I should just get to sleep.

I had an AMAZING week. And... I'm so happy =]

I think, that I am transitioning to tumblr more.

And I think it is really because I am changing a bit.

I am more comfortable with myself, I'm figuring myself out more,

I feel less need to put up things here where no one reads it, but I feel comfortable that I can post it up somewhere where a lot of people read things.

Mmmm.

Haha it's not like this is ever gonna disappear.

But I've found out a lot of things about myself recently, and I'm kinda coo with it.

a;ldkhjae;klna;okag;ladglgsa;kjkjhfskl;

Sigh.

Im second guessing everything right now.

What do I even dance like? Am I just a second or third rate copy of the people I admire?

I hate my choreo project. It's due tomorrow.

*

I haven't been praying. Been rolling around in my sin.

I'm so bitter, so pissed off and angry on the inside.

How fucking lame.

*

I wrote about a page, being honest about how I felt. And then deleted it.

I'll just wait till I see you.

Can you text me back so I don't give up on you? =[ Please?

I think I learned something about myself today...

I can't remember.

Today was pretty nice though...

I'm home.

Things haven't changed much.

Dad is the same.

The house is a little dirtier... Mom's not around to clean it.

I don't really like being here right now...

But at the moment, I am so okay with myself.

Thanks God? Maybe?

I am okay with myself.

I am tired.

I just cried a bit. Lame.

I wanted to cry more, get it out. It's been a while.

God i sound so fucking pathetic...

Realized something... realized that I always shrink away, I always hate being called on in class because I don't want to be wrong.

Being wrong is an imperfection.

It's funny how you've drilled that into my head Dad.

Everytime I tried to speak to you, you were either too busy, or I was wrong, or it wasn't good enough.

So I shrink away. I don't want to try, I don't want to speak, because I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to be a bad dancer, I don't want to be a shit musician, I don't want to be a shit student. But I end up being bad anyway, and the cycle continues.

Fuck you Dad.

I just want to be perfect.

*

How am I supposed to forgive you?

Sigh.

I forgive you, Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fuck you Dad.

I hate all of you.

*

I don't really, just feels that way right now...
Sigh. How do you expect me to love, God? How do you expect me to love?
Fuck.

Last night's dream was awesome...

Driving around Korea... seeing BOTY bboy battles... getting lost, having to go around backwoods to get to my car, seeing old ex's... talking to them... resturaunt... magical secondary world... running away from bad guys... magical... er... magic quest-type thing... demons taking over... us fighting back...

Uhh hanging out in central park, catching fish...

hrm... what else was there...

Hrm...

Hrm........

I'll try to be more honest.

Try. Is the keyword here... no promises.

I'm still pretty fucked up all around, got lotta issues to deal with.

Got a lot of demons to cast out.

God, I know you're bigger than my problems and my sins, but... I'll be real, I'm a little too prideful to accept that.

It's easy for me to write this here, because I feel like no one reads these, yet I can still get it out in a public place.

Oh well.

Maybe I should stop writing in my normal cryptic tone and just be straightforward.

Anyway. I see myself as a shit person.

I hate the way I am.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

But even there, I hate all of you.

I judge each and every single one of you.

Sorry. I know I need fixing =/ It's just all of these insecurities that have built up over time from a terribad father.

Really at the core of all of this, my insecurities coming out through my judgment on you, on whether or not you're a good enough person for me, is because I'm a five year old kid with daddy issues.

Ionno. It's a process yeh?

God what the hell have you planned for me? How are you changing me? Molding me?

Making me the way you have planned me to be?

Ah. Whatever. There's so much I want to share (But I'll never admit that), there are so many people I want to get to know and deepen friendships with...

But I'm awkward as fcuk. Sorry.
I don't think you want to hear it or deal with me. So I'll either distance myself from you, or just... gawk at you, or even imitate you.

I'm so weird.

We're just at the tip of the iceberg, yeh?
Or maybe I'm just so prideful that I even think I've got the most and worst problems out of everyone else around me...

So let's put it this way... and try to be as... awkwardly, shamefully, "Oh-God-why-did-i-just-share-all-of-this"-ly honest.

I'm pathetic, I'm weak, I'm lonely, alone and insecure I can't do it without help, from people, from God.

I need help.

Recent Dreams

In no order...

1. Apartment building... Red/yellow walls... white floors... black doorframes... black furniture... circular construction... Rich guy, but a bad guy... High ceilings... ninja fights... starcraft attacks... private school kids... hot tub on the balcony outside...
Left... 4 kids tried to mug me, stopped on, beat the other up 'cause he tried to steal from a lady... sat him down and talked to him...

2. Elementary school/church... you can pray but you'll still get eaten... zombies attacking... barricaded everything... survivors came in... second floor fire escape... let someone in... had to push a zombie away... keeping the kids safe... all seems clear... have a celebration... open the doors... it's sunny outside... one person gets bitten... it begins to spread... zombies come from the countryside... the church is next to a lake/ocean... can't escape that way... can't wake myself up like I usually can... run towards the zombies... wake up.

3. At home... people from a dance crew are there... in my house... seems like they're making a mess... mom and aunt are sleeping... People invade the house... gets blown up... in a forest... grab two short swords... start to fight...

4. Navy/Marine academy on the lakefront... hazing? I think I remember that... go out to the lakefront... church kids are there... we get on a boat... going around... it's like a theme park... fireworks light up the sky... blue smaller "cart boats" we jump on and start going around... don't remember the rest...

I do not like the person I am becoming right now.

But this direction changes like every other day.

Hrm.

Since when was reading the whole bible cleansing? =O LOL

So today, I read the bible once.
Err rather I finished reading the bible once through.

And then we had a youth service.

And I'm not trying to write cryptic, or like I usually do... because this is how i'm thinking right now.

After that I went to go dance.

Talked with the guys that I was driving around.

Heard an amazing sermon.

Was in prayer like 75% of the time.

It was awesome.

And then I went to go dance with friends.

And something was different...

In my head i'm like, wtf?

So... I danced with a few girls.

And something just... was different.

Again, in my head, I'm like, wtf?

So I just left...

It ain't the same.

I'm not saying that reading the bible once through is just... life changing.

But it's an odd coincidence... that today I feel this way.

That today I feel like all of that other stuff... is so nothing, is so un-filling,

UNSATISFYING.

I'm going to try a beer... if this feels weird too, oh damn...

HAHAHAHA

Attitude check, Ptl.

August 27th 2009 - November 12th 2010... Read the Bible once...

Yeah I stopped, started again, I may have not REALLY read through it...


But I stuck with it God, and I'm hoping that you look upon that, upon my sinfulness and see Christ, and see even just a figment of my sinfully stained commitment...

Cryptic message about the girl I like... here.

I am not perfect...
I'm pretty insecure.
I got a bunch of issues I gotta fix...

But it's all good. Because, you're in control God.

Thanks for loving me. Thanks for Dying for me.

I gotta understand surrendering more.

I'm so excited...

God you are good.

Thanks for bringing out the sun for me.

God you are gracious.

Thank you for the bad grade on my french exam.

God you are slow to anger.

Thank you for all of the work that i've had to do.

God you are rich in love.

I'm sorry for sinning.

God you are good to all.

God you are good.

God you are good.

God you are.

God you.

God.

You are sovereign. You have everything in your hand.

And I want to cry God. I want to give up. I want to stop.

But I know that you have my best interests in mind. And you have someone you want me to become.

God you are good.

Shooooooooooooooooot.

Think I miss you. It feels like it, for sure...

But this is probably another reason why I can't talk to you...

See what I gotta get fixed? Jeez.

Hahaha so random, but I guess nice?

******: hahahaha
sean, you know something i really admire about you though?
me: ?
******: it's your capacity to think!
and think deeply
me: Pshhhhh ><
******: yo, i'm serious
i've been trying to be more introspective (since i tend to sweep things under the rug, even in my own head)
and i realized that i really don't like to think, as strange as that sounds
thinking deeply is hard for me
:(
so the fact that you think so deeply is very admirable!

Interesting.
Btw. I totally killed the conversation shortly afterwards with my superhero-like awkwardness.

Ah.

I wanna talk to you so badly.

But I have so many things I need to work out first.

I secretly hope that you see this;

And that you also have feelings for me too.

But I gotta get fixed first.

And you can't be the one who fixes me.

I can't want you to be the one who fixes me.

That's not how things work.

Ugh.

You hella cool tho.

Me... being christian has nothing to do with me.

That even though I was still a sinner Christ was interceding for me, praying for me.

That even when I may have chosen to accept Christ as my Lord and savior, he's still saving me.

That his blood has washed me clean...

I'm not... "Christian."

I'm "saved."

//unfinished.

What I did instead of paying attention in econ.

Once upon a time… in a land kinda-semi-far away- more like your backyard far when you’re a small child, everything seems bigger when you’re smaller anyway…
There were bears. Tons and tons of bears. And they slept and ate all day, and dance and partied all night. Of course this shallow lifestyle wasn’t all that they did with their time; they frequently dabbled in arts and philosophies and theories that mankind would come up with years later… Well why didn’t they share? How mean of them! Well…
It was simply because they were way to fuckin’ chill to. These bears didn’t take themselves seriously. Yeah, they could’ve ripped a man in two with their bear (HAHA BEAR.) hands and gorged themselves upon the bleeding warm flesh of people, or they could’ve mobilized their bear artillery and laid siege upon the early settlements of people, but they knew that wouldn’t be very nice. And they knew that in the end, they were just some chillin’ bears who wanted to enjoy life and be any prouder than the next bear, human or animal. So they just acted, and continue to act, the fool.
You see, if mankind were to somehow develop, and come to realize the theories that the bears had realized, or even achieve the same intelligence as the bears, not only would it lead to massive conflicts but also huge amounts of hate and discrimination across the globe. It was the bears hope that the humans would just chill the fuck out as much as they did so as to not endanger the human race or any other races that inhibited the world.
The leader of said bears was Brown Bear. Brown bear was a bear. He was big, brown, and bear-like. His right hand man was Black Bear, who, like his name, was bear-like, big and black as well. Brown bear was unmarried, as being in a relationship was way too much of a hassle for someone as chill as he was. Black bear however, was married to Panda Bear, and they had two kids, both of which were a nice shade of grey with black and white patches. This couple, and their children were actually never subject to racial discrimination, because everyone was so damn chill and too busy painting, drawing, dancing, philosophizing, playing music to even think about hating each other.
One day, Brown Bear approach Black Bear and Panda Bear.
“I think, now is the time to commemorate ourselves.”
“Why?” Black Bear questioned, for he was the much more down-to-earth bear of the pair.
“Well Brah, we’re just so chill, that I think that maybe… just maybe we could celebrate that. Have a huge dance party and whatnot, invite everyone in the animal kingdom, and we could also showcase our work and invite other animals to do the same. I hear the Owls have really good expositions on the theory of infinity.”
“I think that’s a splendid idea”, Commented Panda Bear, “You should make the announcement to all the bears tomorrow! And then we can begin planning for the event.”
Black bear thought for a moment.
He began to speak.
Stopped.
Then said,
“Sure, the Owls are pretty fuckin’ ballin and I haven’t seen the lions in a damn long time.”
So that night Brown Bear prepared what he was going to say to the bear population. He slept well that night; after dancing a bit with his favorite friends. He awoke the next morning and munched on some nuts and berries before getting dressed in a better-than-usual attire. All the bears had already gathered before a large rock where Brown Bear, when needed to, and very rarely at that, would give his announcements and speeches.
Brown bear approach the podium.
Stood up.
And got shot in the head by a hunter.

The end.

Yeah and they would let go as soon as I feel that way...

Making me feel worse.

Y'all are some fucks.

...I'm going back to sleep.

Demonds are dragging me down... Please... Pray for me...

Please somebody help...

God I need you I can't fight...

I've lost confidence in the power of your name...

I feel like a weight on my shoulders...

Voices in my head telling me to kill myself...

End it all...

That I'm not good...

That I'm worthless...

I dunno if I can hold on much longer...

Fuck man, I don't wanna be a failure...

I don't feel like I can fight back...

I don't "get it" how it's not about me.

I'm stuck in this middleground...

Flirting with sin...

Ugh.

Wasn't I fine two days ago?

Jeez...

I tend to come out of our conversations with more questions than I did going into them...

Ionno.

Thank you Jesus may I have another?

Why do I feel so weird?

Why do I feel so different?

Why do I feel so lonely?

How fuckin' lame...

Why am I so lame?

Why do I feel so alone?

I wish you could just... live for me God...

I feel so overwhelmed...

Things to do:

Catch up in Plato
Catch up in Infinity
Catch up in French
Do well in Econ
Do well in Plato
Do well in Infinity
Do well in French
Get back to my attorney
Choreograph Mecha Love
Choreograph Taeyang Songs (If I'm still doing that)
Choreograph for Kaos Kids
Go to fencing practice
Go to Kaos Kids practice
Go to Elements

Wait. Maybe I'm overwhelming myself...

asldgalkshglkawhsdlk

Things to do:

Love Christ.

Mmmm. I know... that I'm not alone.

But I want YOU to be up so I can talk to you...

Jeez. =P

Hahaha I'm so lame.

But I love this.

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Love
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I think it's easy to think that, I shouldn't say anything. Or I have no right to.
And in a way, I can't. What can I say?
What can I boast in? (I'm not referring to the passage right now...) I've messed up so many times, rolled around in my own shit complaining, spoiled me, and blaming God. I've closed my heart to him so many times out of fear. I've also done the same to the people around me, then boxed myself inside this wall of bitterness, forced myself into loneliness and really just shot myself in the foot.

The only thing that gives me the right to write this is the blood of Christ washing me clean, adopting me into his family, as a heir of the king...

And it's available to all, all of us dearly loved children; more than conquerors we are. But it's easy to forget our identity, at least part of it when we roll around in the dirt, when we roll around in sin, play with fire... We think that we have no part in it because we're so dirty... But Christ's blood washes all; and with this we can approach God boldly knowing that Christ has paid it all for us.

Hahahaha.

I'm lame.

*

It's Halloween, and all I think is... it's all so nothing.
I did have so much fun in the past. Smoking, drinking. Getting high getting drunk.
I'm so easily pleased... it's so nothing.
But maybe it was all a part of growing up.
Will you all see?

Who am I to say anything?

It's just the blood of Christ.
Just love Jesus.
Just love.

*

From my praise team leader...

If all Paul knows about love is Christ, having been show such great grace and love...

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Christ
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not Christ, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not Christ, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not Christ, I gain nothing.

4 Christ is patient and kind; Christ does not envy or boast; Christ is not arrogant 5or rude. Christ does not insist on its own way; Christ is not irritable or resentful; 6Christ does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Christ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

CHRIST. ENDURES ALL THINGS.

We'll get up, dust ourselves off, and try again.

Do you ever wonder if there's anything more?

Do YOU ever wonder if there's anything more?

I don't know much...

Is it worth it?

Y'all make it seem so attractive, to be completely honest.

I'll admit I had my fun and games as well.

But it was so nothing.

You make me question why I decided to keep trying, to keep fighting.

*

Stop speaking in cliches...

Do I speak in cliches...?

What a douche.

How vain of me to write like this.

Lawl.

Did you just clean it all off, break off that ugly crust?

Bound to me by blood, constantly cleaning and washing.

Even if I barely held on.

Even if I didn't hold on.

Even if I didn't hold.

Even if I didn't.

Even if I.

Even if.

Even.

Not even.

It's not fair, your grace, at all.

Ugh.

Ugh.

It's hard. Why should I trust you?

I'm sorry I'm bitter.

It's just hard.

I'm imperfect.

I have so many flaws.

So sinful.

I feel like I've been bathing in shit.

Ugh.

Can I say I'm trying?

Can I say?

Can I?

Can?

Is this my low stamina or sin weighing my heart down?

Hrm. I hope I never forget that feeling.

I'm sure it'll happen again.

It's funny... I feel your presence. Holding me back even when I'm this close...

I'm so torn.

Just letting sin right back in.

I'm tired God.

I don't want to try right now...

I don't.

Last night when they attacked me as I put my head down to rest...

I couldn't move, as usual... I couldn't fight back.

All I could think to myself was, "In Jesus name."

Couldn't even think to actually pray. To actually cast them out in your name.

To fight them in your name.

And I'm hella lonely right now.

Hella, hella lonely.

Bitterness is taking me over again.

Sin is leaking in.

I have no urge to fight it.

But I spoke to momma today.

So I'm trying, right?

I want to go get healed.

So I'm trying, right?

...right?

Or am I just rolling around in my own shit-sinfullness...

I'm tired.

Sin is leaking in.

Im sitting in my infinity lecture right now.
It's hard to understand. I zone out most of the time or play a stupid game to waste time.

I had an odd day today.

I've been dreaming again, and I love it.
Really, lucid dreaming, dreaming.
I'm so happy God is giving this to me... (I'm just assuming that he is...)

And I hate saying this, but it's nice being able to get away from everything.
It's nice to just go to a place that doesn't exist and have an adventure.

Today was hard God. I woke up, and temptation was already at my door. I'm trying to fight... but I'm scared I'm just going to turn this into a process.

I haven't eaten since breakfast because I took a nap in between classes.

I dreamed then too.

I'm worrying about money.

About time.

About stretching myself too thin.

About my future.

But I offer all of it up to you... It's hard for me to trust in your promise...

But I offer all of it up to you... in the hope, and the very small faith and knowledge that your promises never do fail.

I hope you're doing something with me. With this crap life that wouldn't amount to anything unless, really, unless you were up there and in control.

Today was a weird day.

*

I'd give up all of my desires for marriage, for a wife, for just having someone there to fill up this void, for a person who can understand (But would ANYONE be willing, or even be able to?) and take me, if I could just commune with you, to eat with you, to speak with you, to hear you, to just be intimate with you God.

God, I'd love to be a prophet.

I'd give that up to become one.

*

It'd be nice to get married though, to be in a real relationship... to have someone who'd understand, who I can talk to... but more and more it seems like that's a fading hope...

But maybe, just maybe, praise you... because you're the only one I can talk to and confide in.

Ionno if that's biblical-y correct, or not... or even if this is what you want or what you're planning for me...

*

This is small. Compared to your love God.

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/10/three-more-words/

*

I haven't written here in what seems like a while.

Today was a weird day.

That was a good weekend.

Definitely more rooted.

Love to death.
Love to Life.

Love to your life? Their Death.
Love to your death? Their Life.

When we don't pay back. We die.
Christ took that debt and kept it.
And died.

This is forgiveness.
This is love.
It will kill you.

Love to Death.

I'm not denying that you're here...

I'm not denying that you're with me...

I know that you love me...

But it feels like more and more I know less and less of what to do and how to act.

I literally do not know what to do.

I literally do not know what to say.

So everytime you ask me what I think, or how I feel about something, and I say "I don't know" or "what do you want me to think", it's because I really don't know.

And if I say LOL, or OKAY to something that you say. Chances are I agree with you, really, or I do find it funny... but I literally do not know what else to say.

It really feels like no one taught me how to act... what to do.

It seems like everyone knows what's going on except for me.

I don't know what to do or what to say.

lol.

"People want to get to know you, before they get to know what you believe in."

"...but when you do stuff like that for girls,

they misunderstand a lot."

"I want you to be a conquering Christian"

There is a teeny tiny small desire.

But it's there.

There is a teeny tiny small heart.

But it's there.

Hrm.

"I want to be blessed by your testimony"

You are a redeemer, and an architect. My maker.

This is for sure. I have no reservations against that.

It's hard for me to believe that you can actually do something with this... nothing that I have.

But if you do, and I think you will, (for the holy spirit told me so) change me, I just can't wait to see it, and I wonder how I will be; What will you do?

I can't wait to see...

I hope I can just let your will be done in me.

Unless that's not up to me, in which case, I still pray that your will will be done.

It seems as if my life is better in your hands.

I feel like I'm about to break another person's heart.

Such a killer.

I'm so ashamed.

I have no heart.

I need a heart.

Give up, everything?

Am I a fool?

I don't know if I can do that.

HAHAHA.

I feel your cold hands touching the back of my head.

You have NO right.

I have been washed clean with the blood of Christ.

You have NO right.

For I am a son of the LIVING GOD.

That through his sacrifice I have been adopted into his family.

You have NO right.

Get off me.

Get away from me.

Get away from this place.

I command you in the name of Jesus.

Peace.

All I need is you...

and fuck the rest.

But that's wrong of me to say.
And I know it...

Grawr.

I'm videochatting with a girl. She's cute.

This could be a problem.

HAHAHAHA. Oh my. Y'all need Jesus.

In the most encouraging way possible.

I know a lot of times when I look at myself when I get down, when I'm wallowing in my sin. I just see myself rolling around in a pile of mud complaining.

"I can't get out. Ugh. This is different, this is the worst. I can't do it."

The victory has already been won...

Christ already paid for our sins with his blood.

Get up. Dust yourself off. Keep going.

God's Grace is there to catch you. Don't take advantage of it or cheapen it, but be thankful for it, and just live. Just try your best.

Christ died for your sins.

Stop condemning yourself.
That's not your job.
It's just like when I get down, I'm rolling around in the mud saying, "I can't get out, I'm doomed, this can't be fixed..."

Just try your best.
Just try.

Christ's blood washes everything away. We are free in him. Free from guilt and condemnation in his name.

Just look to Christ.
Look to Christ.
to Christ.
Christ.

Hrm. Heh.

Aiite let's keep going =]

It's late. I have class in a bit.

I need to finish my work.

It kinda stopped... going.

Two beers.

Texting you.

Wondering what it means to be faithful to God.
In times like this. What does it mean to hold onto God?
Even if I fall into sin. Into temptation.

Where are you in the midst of this?

If you're perfectly just, and you have a perfect plan, I, not have to, but must trust in you. No?

I'm trying.

It's hard when all of this is getting poured on me.

But it's to be expected right?

Here's a toast.

Thank you Jesus, may I have another.

Mom got robbed at gunpoint this evening.

Thank you Jesus may I have another?

That's what I should be saying, right?

Right?

RIGHT?

You make me want to slit my wrists. I need you out of my life.

Either that, or you need Jesus.

Don't condemn people to hell. What makes you think you have that right?

You're absolutely ridiculous. Everything's going to be fine.

I need to dance this out.

I need to dance.

I need to.

I need.

Hahaha we were on the phone for two hours.

I didn't end up sleeping till three thirty because I had to brush my teeth and spend time with God.

Did that thought enter your mind?

Or did that feeling sneak it's way in there?

Like it did to me?

LAWL. Whatever happens, I'm loving Jesus more than you.

Whatever happens.

If it's in his plan or not.

Whatever...

Happens.

Heh.

I daydreamed love.
I daydreamt love?
I dreamt love?
I daydreamed love.

In the form of a pair of shoes I dreamt my mother slaving... working every day. Coming home feet busted, bruised, blistered... Only to lie down on her bed, turn the TV on till she passed out, then start again.

I dreamt that she bought me a pair of shoes that I had told her that I had liked.
These shoes coast almost a third of the rent that I had to pay. Or rather, that she had to pay.

She proceeded to buy this pair of shoes, even as I argued her not to. Even as I didn't tell her my shoe size, but she proceeded anyway.

I received the shoes.
I was scared to wear them.
I wore them every day, because I loved them.
They tore through.
Became worn.

And then my mother died.
And at her funeral all I could do was cry.

"How can you tell me to rejoice at all the good times we had? You're gone now, up to heaven... I know you'll be waiting for me..."

And then I saw, my Savior, my God.

Washing my feet.

My dirty feet. My feet that had dragged me to places of sin. My feet that led me to sin. My feet that stepped in shit. My feet that stepped over Christ as I went to do what I wanted to do. My feet that kicked Christ as he was down. My feet.

My dirty, fucking feet.

And he washed them. Dried them.

Then he died. On a Cross. For my sins.

That I may have a family, a father, brothers and sisters, forgiveness, grace, redemption, freedom, identity.

Thank you for your Love.

And then I woke back up to my infinity class.

"...you just want to do what you want to do, but then flash your God badge so you can prove that he was 'there with you' as you did it..."

It sounds a lot meaner than how it was actually said.

Can't wait to start ripping apart scripture with you.

=]

i don't want to sleep yet...

I want to talk to somebody...

Blarg.

Waiting.

"Some people are just called to live a tough life."

"Just wait a little... it'll be alright."

Probably, most definitely schooled.

God... are you gonna school me hard real soon?
Am I going to be paying the consequence for my sins?
I know they're forgiven...

Is it unbelief on my part?

A lack of strength? Willpower?

Or are you bringing this to the surface that you might fix this?

God I'm hoping you school me hard real soon...

My life is better in your hands.
*
Please don't cry. Please. You're doing the best you can, and I am too... Please don't cry.
*
I miss you.

For the first time in years... the voices in my head have stopped.

It's nice.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be free.

Thank you JC.

I think right now... It's like this.

I'm bitter because I feel abandoned.

As much as God has a home for me prepared, I'm still on guard, on edge...

I don't know what it means to be free.

...the FUCK do you want from me?

Deprave.

I should be sleeping now.

Morning prayer. Be up at five.

But I'm staying up trying to find someone to talk to.

And it's not going to be you.

But it's not gonna be you.

I'm in pain, but not hurt.

Come back soon.

Maybe I should just take a nap...

Looking back over the last few months... I feel so different. I've been saying this so often lately. It seems like time just... doesn't even exist. What I just did a few hours ago seems like a distant memory.
Pastor Paul said something about that... that when we get closer to God, we start living "in his time" more and more. It feels like that... I can't place myself anymore.
Meh.

But I have been growing, and God has been working in me... teaching me. Fostering me. As much as I may or may not have liked it... Ha. I have been asking for it. But I never expect it to be painful... or as painful as it was.

But I guess that's love.

Living by myself for this past summer has been an amazing gift that my Mom gave to me. I'm so thankful for that.

Ah. In comparison. I'm still such a little boy. I'm such a bride. Christ puts us to shame. Really. Hahaha. But it's not about how bad we are... It's about how good God is.

Just this morning, well, not just this morning but for a while now, demons have been trying to get me down, over and over again.

So I'm doing something right.

Ah. Even in my sinfulness, my pride, my fears, my mistakes, my doubts... Redeem me.

...even in this terrible post. Redeem me.

Ugh.

I've been itching to write something here.

Soon.

I think you just put me in limbo.

Hahaha.

Mmm. I'll wait.

"You always leave me wondering to who you're talking about. Lol"

You always leave me wondering who you are =[

I wish you would tell me how you feel.

I know that you are feeling something...

But it makes me worried, almost all the time.

Haha. I guess maybe I deserve it for all these times.

But as many times as I've done this. I feel like more and more of a child each time.

I hope God moves something in your heart. Truly.

I hope God brings you to him...

Because there's absolutely nothing I can do, that can do that.

I just wish.//

I'm trying, maybe not my best, whatever that means, to be a good

But even then, there's nothing I can do, that can do that.

I just wish you would open up to me. You say that you trust me. And I believe you, so much.

I just wish I could see a little more.

Ha. Maybe I deserve this.

today wasn't so bad.

be honest.

be responsible.

try to understand.

walk on.

YEH? LAWLRUS.

I feel like I'm going about everything wrong.

I'm not sure if finding this stuff about me is a good thing or a bad thing.

When did I develop this sense of self-pity?

Disgusting.

LOL PITY ME. DO IT.

HA. Even this, is for pity.

I'm doubting everything about myself (<-for pity)

In doubting myself, I'm somewhat seeing all of my bad qualities (<- for pity)

That I'm... in actually a shit, spoiled, selfish person. That most of the things I do are because I want to be perfect/a nice guy. I don't think that there's anything that I do out of good reason. So... as much as I may be nice, I am bad. As much as I think I care, I probably don't. As much as I want to be perfect, I am imperfect.

I am. Not.

Everything I thought was good. Is bad.

Everything I loved about myself, I hate about myself.

And this, is all for pity. Because I'm spoiled. Because I want people to love me, to care about me.

I am a shit person.

I'll be honest and say... that I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing anything for the right reason. Whatever that may be.

Ha.

Whatever.

Would acting to not get pity... be for pity? It seems that way.
Would not acting at all... be for pity? Probably.

I don't know anything.

I am. Not.

Sigh.

What can I say, I am deprave by nature...

The gospel is all twisted in my head...

S'all twisted.

Surrender.

It made sense for about two days.

Then the devil got in my head.

And I lost again.

When I should've been surrendering. Right?

But how the FUCK do you expect me to surrender?

Sigh. There's no starting point.
...less. is what it seems to me,
persecution of the righteous,
means nothing so,
feel free embark on a journey of...

//fuckthat.

Ionno where to start.
Why bother, honestly.
I'm sick and tired of it.
Of everything, really.
I'm sick and tired of Church, the people there, the false care.
My spiritual life seems so bare...
I don't wanna come back to God.
I don't remember what love is. Or what it feels like to be in love.
Or... even, maybe more importantly,
What it feels like to be loved.
Everything seems to have an ulterior motive...
And I'm such a piece of shit.
I'm not righteous. Why would persecution to me grant me the kingdom of heaven?
When I don't deserve shit.
It's not even like I get shit.
All of these possessions of mine, mean nothing.
It's all bullshit.
Wanna slit my wrists. Get it over with. Maybe finally see God face to face.
I feel like that's something I'd do just to spite him...

What are you gonna use me for? What if I just keep fighting your will? How will you use me then? You said you were gonna raise me up, use me, because for some random as fuck reason you said you had chosen me...

Doesn't change shit. I still feel alone, everywhere I go.
People never ask, never know.

How do you expect me to believe in you God?

Fuck man.

Everything I am, I'm not.

I'm turning into what I hate most.

Scratchin the surface, so much more to get to... if only I could vomit it out at once instead of at multiple intervals during the day...

I don't know if it's you or my stomach
'cause I haven't eaten dinner yet, I'm starving.
But at the same time I know my heart. Plummet.
Down down, it's parallel to the feeling in my gut.
Even if this is the holy spirit, I think I might throw up.
But, You tell me to pray, and to read my bible.
I see no reason to comply tho.
God how do you expect me to believe.
When I'm struck down, lonely, in a rut.
You spoke to me, told me: "I'll raise you up."
But I don't see any piece of me that's worthy enough.
How do you expect me to just come back
when what I do says "I don't give a crap."
Look, God I'm trying to be honest and true.
This shit's so hard to do.
Maybe I'm being really childish; I'm lazy, wicked.
Sinful by nature. to the point where i hate you.
I wish I could see a blueprint of your plan.
Just so I know that this ain't a scam.
I don't know if I wanna move on or return.
yearning for you doesn't seem so secure.

How do you expect me to not feel this way?

How do you expect me to not question?

How are you going to lift me up and use me?

Everything I am, I'm not.

How do you expect me to do this?

I don't know that you love me.

How is that supposed to feel?

I don't know that you're pleased with me.

How is that supposed to feel?

How am I supposed to know?

Hrm.

I feel like a heartbreaker right now... in the sense that I've hurt... a lot of people.

That a lot of ties have been broken.

I'm not happy about that.

I guess I've known this for a while.

But I've been thinking about a lot of what ifs...

Probably should stop wasting my time on that...



To you: Sorry, I wonder how things would've been. Maybe we can sit and talk again one day, when my heart isn't in a hundred places... ha.



There's always a risk.

//draft.

It’s all sand,

Running through my hands.

I need a rock.

I need a savior.

and he said...

I have seen you while you cry.
I have never left your side.
I will lift you up high.
I have called you to my side.

"i want to remember what it was like to just be like... hi. i'm ----. lets play. or something like that"

It seems like occasionally the line between God and the Devil blurs to me.

It also seems like I'm very awkward, (have been and getting more so...) and getting better at destroying interpersonal relationships.

Don't ruin dancing for me.
I wont let you.
I will work harder.

I... do not feel okay.

Haha. I am stubborn. Probably going to end up in hell.

Pretty bitter too.

Happy Fathers Day. If you say so.

I need you to tell me something. Anything.

*want.

Haha am I not going to have anything? HAHA. Or am I just being greedy now?

Flowing through my veins. Dirty. Deprave.

There's nothing I can bring or offer to you... So why? What can you redeem in me that would bring you glory?

Why? Are you still with me?

Aren't you just sick of me yet?

Tell me something. Anything.

Or am I too stubborn to even open my ears?

Probably.

I feel restless... unsettled...

I think this might be the start of a new chapter in my life...

Let's look forward.

Cost... It will cost me fitting in, and family. But I will gain, everything. In the end.

It will cost me my pride... probably, as well as my logic too.

But I will gain, everything that I put in. In the end.

I hope these things don't have a hold on me anymore.

That the only thing that will have a hold on me, is a person nailed to a cross.

We'll see how things go.

It'll probably hurt a lot.

You can't judge me. You do not decide whether I am a good person or not.

Only God.

I'm done.

This is a new chapter.

Last night's dream was amazing... I wanna go back to that one...

I think... some things. Small in quantity. Large in quality... need to be fixed.

I just wonder... if I have to wait... or something. Hahaha.

Next year is gonna be just as crazy...

As if my life isn't insane enough =P

Anonymous said...

Who are you reffering this to ?

Ah... a bunch of people.

I feel like I'm going to hell.

I feel like you hate me. But I look up to you so much.

I feel like you hate me. I wish you would die.

I feel like you hate me. But I really want to talk to you.

Ugh. So many people intimidate me.

I feel you. Not 100%, but you're not entirely by yourself.

I want to tell you what's been going on. I want to scream it, but I probably wont.

...too ashamed.

Ohhh man I'm craving cupcakes those are fucking delicious =P

...How did I lose fifteen pounds since the last time I weighed myself?



Do I love you, Jesus?
Do I even want an encounter with you?
If I fight hard enough... will you really leave me alone?
Maybe I'm just scared that you'll actually be good for me; that I actually might delight in you.

I feel like shit.

"Hi. I don't know what is going on in your life anymore, because it's been so long since we've really talked. But you have no idea how much I miss you, and by the word "you" I mean the person I love(d) and knew. I wish I knew you still."

I dunno who you are... a few people come to mind... but i'm not too sure.

What I am... pretty sure of... is that i think it'd be nice if we talked.

Yea.

It... makes me a little happy to know... that (whoever you are =O ) you miss me.

"You may think I criticize you a lot, but really, I hold back."

Right now. I hate everything about me.

Is this discipline? Or is it me being twisted?

I actually broke a tiny bit of skin today.

Why am I crying?

It feels like it's been a while since I've been here...

I told someone about this.

I felt terrible about it. Like I shouldn't have said anything. Like it was such a selfish thing to do...
Everything... seems so selfish.

Maybe that's okay, that nothing really pure comes out of me... Because I am impure...

What... makes me think that I can settle for less?

Ha. I feel like everytime I delight in something... it's like saying to God...

"You're not good enough for me. I'm going to delight in something that isn't you."

What a piece of shit. Hahaha.

How dare I...

I need an encounter... but I wonder if you'll ever give it? You promised you would...
So I am not righteously earnestly seeking you...
I guess I still don't see how deprave I am...
I don't see really how much I am in need of you...

I can say that I know it... but I can't place it into my heart.

How twisted.

Hahahaha... how twisted...

God, I need you... but I'm not sure if it's you that I want... or what you bring.

How twisted.

I feel like taking the life you so graciously gave me. It's not like I asked you to create me.

How twisted.

How twisted.

How evil.

I'm too focused on that to even look at the cross for redemption.
So conceited. So greedy. So sloth. So evil. So wrathful. Condemning.
I need to break my neck. Kill myself. In order to look the other way...
I need to look forward to the cross, not the evil holding me back...

I said that I would keep try to keep praising you and praying to you even if you didn't give me anything, or show me anything.

Am I worshiping you out of bitterness now?

How twisted.

Stop.

I need to change... I think.

A book will not change God... but it might help me... change the way I see God, the way I approach him.

Because everything is twisted...

I will need to repent.
I need to repent.

All day, Errday.

Ionno if I'll be ready... or if I will ever be ready.

...we'll see.

WHY WOULDN'T THE DAMN OATMEAL COOK??? IT'S MY DREAM AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EAT OATMEAL >=[ FAKKK

Why do we feel so entitled to everything?

...Insecurities?

Why are we so obsessed with trying to make things un-awkward?

Blessing. Pain. Suffering. Death.

Hebrews 11:13 --> These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

I think I am coming to terms with some things.

Ability, Affinity, (A) Opportunity.

I am not Christ.

I could never love like him.

Nor care like him.

Nor provide like him.

So was that discipline? Was that God disciplining me when my dad choked me?

Last night. Rats in my bag. Bugs everywhere.

Everything seems so twisted. So wrong.

Last night peury was telling me she needed my help. But that she couldnt accept it it... until I really accepted Christ. Odd.

Much to learn.

Nothing is pure.

Last night...

So much happened.
It's hard to remember.

Chased through New York city... By some guy...
There were some girls...
A group of friends...
Basketball...?

The on part that I remember... the most clearly...

We were all separated into... these... balls. (haha. balls.)
And at the center... was an orb of water, that would burst... and begin to fill the ball...
And it would drown people...
But there were some people that said... "I can't do this... I need help."
And then the water changed into sand... and they were safe.

Ho ho ho.

Sometimes I'm looking from the outside in.

I feel. Transcendent.
Like I can see the whole Ocean.
It's peaceful. Yes.
God-given. Maybe.

*

Lol. It seems like some people are taking notice.

To lead is to serve.

Dichotomy… a lion and a lamb. as one.

Do I go more public? Or do I stay the course?

Pride is a battle always fought.
I think. Woah what the hell…
happened to my font… jeez. this is why i never use tumblr —;;

Anyway.

Oh hahaha.

It’s not like I’ve been hiding anything… it’s always been there.

I think I’ll keep it that way. Art.

No explanation. No need to show. Just to create/exist. People will find it if they look.

This notice is subject to change at the whim of its author.

Peace.

…I’m going to have to stay up late tonight if I really want to get anything done…

*

Lame. Vomited that out a few minutes ago onto my tumblr.

The way I feel... about that at least... is that the potential for genuine... ity(?) is there. But... it seems pretty. not beautiful. a re-creation, an attempt at beauty that is just reduced to prettiness only because people are afraid of beauty.

Then again, it's what you do with it.

I'm sure if I was this open on my tumblr I could reverse this just as quickly.

HAH BITCH.

hrm. yes.

But that being said. I like this. I don't need to explain myself. I don't feel the need to dumb-down what I'm writing. I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Art.

Na'msayin? Who gives a fuck if people are looking or not...? We don't have to necessarily explain what we create... it means something to us. We can choose.

Choice.

Free will.

*

It has been brought to my attention by a certain young (er) individual that...
Maybe people actually do see this, and feel, if anything, a degree of home-y-ness.
And that... maybe there becomes an added element to what I write here. What I post.
What has been in the back of my mind, has been brought to the front.
And Pride is always something that needs to be fought.
Ha.
But anyway...

*

I wanted to summarize a few things that have happened recently.

But I just decided against that...

Maybe I'll change my mind.

Right now I feel transcendent.

I think I can see the ocean.

Interesting day.
*
Underoath makin a comeback in my life...
*
Apostle John. The beloved one.
*
Haha maybe you're right, in fact, I think you were.
I am looking for something that doesn't exist... in this world at least.
But... I don't belong here. And i guess it will hurt.
But... this isn't my home.
I don't fit in here...
I wont.
Even my current state wont fit in once I make it there.
But things will be different once we make it there.
*
Hahaha...
*

*
We shall see what happens. For sure.
But for now... I know that this isn't my home.
*
Christ is not my escape. He's my Savior.

don't sulk.

Let me tell you something.

You do not know what It feels like to be a Mutt.

I am not the way I was before I forced myself to write something.

I am not the way I was before I came back to college last august.

I am not the way I was even two weeks ago.

But that's okay.

I may not be the same person you talked to a little big ago.

But that's okay.

We are constantly dying. Changing. Living.

I hope I don't leave you behind by accident somehow.

I am a bit volatile.

"Once you see everything from the top of the mountain, you will understand."

"But do all the bears have to die for me to get there?"

"Yes."

*

4:50 am. Pwahaha. Stayed up for no reason.

Should have at least started my paper... Oh well...

I wanna get it done soon...

*

Beauty... Death... Uh... Mystic Experiences...

*

We are all beautiful... Oh so beautiful.
It's really just unbelievable. I wish I could open my eyes even more.
I wish I could see the whole Ocean. I wish.

My biggest sin... here... is not that I want to be like you Christ...
but I want to be you.

I want to be that perfection that you are, but not really at the same time.
I want to be that one that everyone can turn to... I want to be that one who has a perfect love, ever forgiving, always understanding...
But I can't. I am not Christ...
I am imperfect... work in progress. Nothing special.
But beautiful.

And I like the way I am right now...
But that seems to be a problem.
So we ask, "Will I like it in heaven?" Or... "Why does God even matter right now?"

But... divine love, a true experience crushes us... we try to make it pretty, because we don't want to die. But when a true experience comes in, it breaks our heart. It breaks us. Everything we are...

So would I like heaven? Probably not.
Will I like heaven? Probably.

For... as we grow as we mature, we lose... we die and are reborn again and again.
The little boy who wants to play with the older kids... Once he gets old, and plays with the older kids, realizes, he's not the little kid he used to be.

We need to die before we can go to heaven... hahaha. Because it's not us that will make it there... but something else... Still us... just.

different.

And I'm okay with being different. We're all different, and I'm cool with the fact that I don't necessarily fit in. Anywhere.

That's just me.

Different... Ever growing, ever trying to understand the ineffable, the incomprehensible revelation that is

God, Christ... But the experiences that I have, the revelations that I receive only explain themselves to me. They are ineffable. They are revelatory.

And these belong to me. They make my relationship, however odd it is, with my God unique, different.

Who says it has to be a certain way?

Haha. Fuck that.

There is good and there is bad. There is gray area as well.

Who says we need to have an official starting date for relationships? Who says that we need to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, or have a certain swag.

Be yourself. And if you adhere to something as well, that's fine. Don't follow without questioning...

We are all beautiful...

*

Haha I should delete this. I forced this... well, not all of it. but some of it.

Ugh. I sound like a pretentious douche...

Yeah. Definitely. Lame as hell.

*

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Your leg is still attached... hold up, let me reload.

I will write something very big soon.

Soon...

Soon.

Hahaha "You're going to heaven."

Psh.

The cool thing to say here would be... NO. I'll go to hell with you!

Pwahahaha.

But Ionno what God's got in store.

For me or for you.

It bothers me 'cause in a way, I wish I could be the one to save. I wish I could be...

Good.

But I'm not, and I can't.

It's okay to stop trying.

For rizzle.

He still loves you anyways. And yeah, that may not make the problems, or all the studying you have to do go away at all.

Just like the anti-depressants that I chose not to take wouldn't have either.

And I mean I don't know jack. Ionno how you really feel when I say these things, or anything.

Good shit's gonna happen and bad shit's gonna happen,

to look at only one side would be wrong.

Love.

I feel. Great right now.

I do.

I don't understand everything, but that's okay.

*



*

Hah.

I am very okay right now.

*

We're all beautiful in God's eyes.

And I'm a sinner, and I got some issues to work out with God, but it's all good...

It's just a journey.

*

I got pretty drunk and high on saturday. Not gonna lie.

But I had fun. I spent it with people I wanted to do.

Regardless of good or bad, I'm taking responsibility.

I'm not sure if that's counter-gospel or not though...

*

btw. I am really curious to know who commented "I love you."

It's all good though, maybe it's better you remain anonymous.

*

We've been brought up feeling like we're not beautiful.

Surrounded by things that tell us that we will never be good enough.

But that's okay.

We're all beautiful.

I'm beautiful.

You're beautiful.

God looks at us and says we are all beautiful.

We'll see what happens next.

Today's gonna be a good day =]

Hi. High.

First drink since August 27th tonight.

Why did I turn and run?

I was waiting for the rest of the praise team... at Wendys this morning... as I usually do.
It's so interesting looking out the window as people walk by...

...Old lady who looked anorexic... lost.
...Homeless guy yelling at the Mom who was walking her baby... she probably has a wealthy husband...
...Hispanic Mother + Daughter... daughter had cool neon green + grey jordans...

*

Why am I still going to church...? Hahaha

What does it really mean to be a Christian... is it a part of me? Or... am I part of it?

I'd rather it be the former... But then would that be taking away me from God? Do I really belong to God... that much?

*

Mom pointed out to me that... the first lesson the church should teach... the first part of the Gospel... is that we are all Children of God. That we are LOVED...

...because that seems to be what's getting me down the most.

I feel like I need to re-learn love.

*

I'm sick... Drinking hot water + honey...

*

Kid Cudi... you are the man..

"I've got some issues that nobody can see,
and all of these emotions are pourin' outta me,
I bring them to the light for you,
it's only right,
this is the soundtrack to my life,
the soundtrack to my life ohhhh"

Hahaha Hrm. Maybe I should rephrase it this way...

Recently, when people have asked me how I'm doing... I've replied,

"I'm alive."

And I think it's begun to have... multiple meanings...

Eh.

I'm alive.

...Sleep + Dreams I think are keeping me from not doing stupid things.

I feel unable to say things.

Paralyzed...

*

"It's always sunny in hell"

I haven't done anything dumb, yet.

I get nauseous when I think about yelling back at my mom.

"How could you even think about that when all she's done is provided and provided for you, and shown you nothing but love and care?"

The reason why I hate that she continues to give me money is I don't think I deserve it.

I'm a shit son.

A shit Christian.

A shit student.

A shit person.

I'm complete and utter shit.

If I truly loved the things that I did, I would do more for them, care for them more, care for it more. Do more for it, make time for it, learn about it, study it. I have failed.

I've hurt people, I can't fix them, make them better, I can't help them.

I messed up my parents marriage.
Or at least Dad tells me so.
Dad would love me if I was an A+ person, if I was a better student, if my "grades reflected how good of a person I am".

Mom doesn't want to hear it anymore. She had to leave the house because of Dad, how can I blame her? How could I ever get mad at her? I'm a bad person to even consider that.

"Why are you such a burden on other people? Can't you just kill yourself and be done with it? Oh wait, they'd have to clean up your mess. What a burden... Oh well looks like you're stuck again. Maybe you should cut yourself. But make sure no one knows, otherwise they'll begin to worry. And even if they do, it's only out of obligation. Why would anyone want to care about you? You're nothing. Don't even try to judge other people, you're not any better than they are. If anything, you're worse for all of this."

I'm shit... I don't deserve anything...

HAHAHAHA.

I am in no need of saving... Don't see the depravity in my own life.

What is the use of the gospel to me?

*

"May I have the mission trip information please?"

Serving only... why would God choose to use me?
It's not like I'm there to get prayed for or learn more about him...
It's not as if I care...
I would only go to serve.
"But how could you serve when you don't know or love God?"

Hah.

"God wants to bless you."

I don't want that.

"Are you still going to church?"

Well, physically, yes.

"Is everything okay?"

Okay? Yeah I guess so =] But then again you don't have to act like you care when it hurts you to hear how I'm doing.

Leave me alone, I'm just doing what I need to do.

Hahaha...

Am I okay? Nah.

Sigh. Fuck Everything and Everyone.

No one is exempt.

Heh.

Peace right now...

I've been up since 4 studying for a test that's in about three hours.

I dunno if I'll post this up in a more public place eventually...

Sigh.

*

I'll admit admit that as much as I'm pushing God away, and as much as I don't want to go to Church and how much I'm pissed at the people... I did lose the point of it (God, Christ)... that... really underneath all of that, it seems like who I am... hasn't really left. In a way... my connection with God... how much he means to me... hasn't really gone. I just need to deal with some...

Issues.
Parents and stuff.
Friends and stuff.
Girls and stuff.
Church and stuff.

I am feeling... good though. The sun is up...
I've watched the light in my room get brighter as it creeps around my windowshades...

Life goes on. I'm happy you're a part of it.

I'm happy that my friends are a part of it.
I'm happy that the people I fuckin hate are a part of it >=]
I'm happy that my God, God, is a part of it.

I'm happy that my parents are a part of it...

As bitter as I am.

'Cause honestly...

Part of me, all of me, well, just something of me.

Is tired. Fuckin hates going to church. Feels like it's all a facade, so fake.
So... not... the way it should be.

Oh man I am judging so hard... perfect me kickin in here...

I'm sick of a lot of things, oh so tired.

I've been sinning. I mean we all do, we have been.
But... even when I felt as if I was clinging to God with all my might, it still... didn't feel right.
Looking back at it.

But now... after listening to some things, listening to some people... part of me says fuck that. I was fine the way I was, I am who I am now... but I should've held on...

I am growing, continuing to grow. Refining. Fire. God.

But God I am so tired. So tired of going to church. So tired of praising your name when I really don't want to. So tired of lying to people about how I feel. So tried of just trying to be... something.

Hey God, remember that time when I said "fuck you to your face"?
Yeah, you do...
Man, I was hurting that day, so pissed.
I told myself you have a perfect timing, that you're waiting for the best, for what's right, what's perfect.
But shit. It hurts. Fuck you... I'm sorry... but man it hurts.

I've always been myself, I've just, held back, or not let it out in certain places.

But.

All y'all fucks make me feel like y'all are judging me, not gonna lie.
I don't feel welcome almost anywhere I go.
But maybe that's the price of being... me.
Or maybe that's just me being me.
Or maybe that's me being hella immature.

I don't have a family, and as much as... the care and the love that people have for me is finally getting to me, getting to my heart, it feels so unfamiliar.

I don't remember what it feels like to feel loved.
To feel cared for.

I don't.

Haha Damn that shit sounds so emo... Whatever that even means... Over-used stereotypical statement that has no meaning or value. It's shittt.

And I still don't feel like I have a family.
I'll admit.
Parents not really together anymore.
Shit bothers me as much as I'll shrug it off and say whatever.

Damn, the things I did, and still do to try and find a family...
Frat. Drinking. Girls. Dance.

And I'll admit I'm a pretty horny fuck. Hahaha.
I probably hurt a lot of girls in my life (giving myself too much credit here? Hahaha)
But I got hurt a lot as well.
But into a bad place of insecurity that manifested itself in the continual, and somewhat delusional thought that i could keep, searching for family if I kept on trying, kept on going back to the same thing, hooking up with girls, or trying to get into relationships that, were really based on nothing...
But it felt good, it was nice, felt... okay.
I'm not trying to downplay those experiences, made me who I am now, who I am today.

I'm not perfect. I am weak as fuck. But I am me. Ima keep going.
That's what makes me strong.
Willpower, na'mean?

I'm bitter towards a lot of the actions that I felt like I missed out on, that I didn't receive from a lot of people in my life. I felt like... I had to figure things out on my own.
Do things on my own.
Fight on my own.
Live on my own.

And I still feel that way.

I just wanna be free. Let me be, God, can't you leave me alone??
Can't you?
Just let go of me. Shit.

This isn't like some huge revival in my heart.
This isn't some sort of... amazing mystical moment, ineffable and inequal to anything else...
Well, it might be.
This isn't a life changing moment...
Well, actually, I guess it might be. Don't really think I'll forget this night...
Me time, alone time. Studying, music in the background... keepin me awake.
This is me man, just doing my thing, moving along.


I am just trying to do. To live. To do what I think is right.


My faith is dead, I need a revival somehow.

Shit man. This shit hurts.

This is a start.

My God is not dead, He's surely alive, and he's living on the inside.

Roarin' like a muddafuckin lion.

Living on the inside.
Roaring like a lion.

*

Yeah I think I'll post this publicly.

My faith is dead. I need a resurrection somehow.





Verse:
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow.
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Pre- chorus
Now I'm lost in your freedom
This world I'll overcome.

Chorus:
My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Verse 2:
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead
I need a resurrection somehow

Bridge:
Let Heaven roar and fire fall
come shake the ground
with the sound of revival

*

My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

*

Aigoo.

Ugh.

*

First drink in a while tonight maybe?

*

Hahaha...

How interesting...

In my dream(s) last night...

I texted with the Devil.

I killed zombies... in my church/home/waterpark.

People who I thought were cool tried to break in and steal stuff.

Had a small Kawi Kum. But realized, that my life is great. That the Devils hold on me makes me feel like my life sucks. But that isn't true. Because my life is great. Even when it is bad, it is great.

Get off me.

Zombies started taking over my town, we tried eating fake meat to survive...

We ran away.

School/Comp labs. Game tournament.

Really nice Korean house, met one of the most powerful Korean families...

(Really good food too...)

So intense... Aigoo.

20 days later I picked up the bible.

*

Thanks for stopping the rain... who knows what I would've done if I continued...

Well, I guess you would've known, which is why you stopped it. right?

*

I'm trying God, I swear.

*

...good thing I didn't write anything here yesterday.

*

My dreams are getting more intense...

Hahahaha.....

Lots to write here.

Dance pushed it back into the maw.

*

I have no family.

*

I don't know how to be loved.
Nor do I know how to accept it.

*

...Because I see myself as nothing.

*

I keep striving to be _ .
Leave me be.
Leave me alone.

Hohoho.

Sunday was a little better than I expected.

But better is a direction, and I'm not necessarily sure which way, this, better is pointing.

*

Is it worth the risk?

I want to be intertwined with you. It's true.
(Will this feeling last?)
But is it worth the risk of losing all of it?

*

Hohoho.

*

Service? Or Reconnect?

Which one God?

Which one?

Which?

This is the first time I've prayed in a while.

Can I even call it praying?

Or is it just more word vomit to you, God?

How messed up I must be God...

I know there will always be something missing God, but I don't know if I miss it.

I'm... okay today. Happy. Today.

Hah. So..,

Burnt out.

Definitely burnt out.
Tired of trying...

Heart is getting colder, and colder.
I feel like I'm covering the outside with metal plates + spikes, and there's only a few open spots left.
But I've draped all of this with a smiley face banner =]

Burnt out. Bitter.

I just don't get it.

Recently I stopped doing QT. I just... missed it.

I didn't mean to.

But, life went on as if nothing had happened.

I've been cursing a lot more recently.

I've been sinning, watching porn here and there.

So it goes...

I'll probably have my first drink in a while, soon.

Fck man.

I feel terrrible.

Voices... telling me too much...

Fuck everything man...

I don't wanna go to church anymore...

I swear... God's love doesn't mean sht to me...

So what... so what...

It doesn't change how I feel.

You hold me now? No suffering? No shame?

When. When...

It means nothing.

This doesn't mean anything...

I don't even know where to start... what to say...

"Just stop..."

"Yeah... the blood would look pretty..."

"You can take painkillers... lessen the pain... yaknow?"

"Leave me alone."

"I have to worry about you,
We're family now."

"You think so much, all the time, to the point where you've conditioned yourself to even think while you sleep."

'sanybody out there?

Hahaha.

I'm still up writing a paper. Talking about necessity when it comes to attempting to prove the possibility of a supreme divine being.
Interesting stuff...

I don't feel at home. Anywhere. And I almost think it's funny as hell.
Maybe that's the caffine and sleep getting to me... but it kinda is.

I could start drinking again, than my lens kicks in, says I'm not bein a good person. I beat myself up, I stop drinking. Question everything.
Over and over again.
Question everything.

Could start smoking. It's always been around me. The smell of it is nostalgic na'msayin?
Then again, I'd probably die.

Could smoke pot. I'd probably love that feeling.
But then why?

Mutt.
Don't belong anywhere. I gotta do this stuff for me. Gotta get goin, move on with life na'msayin? There's no end, no rest for the weary.
Shit man, old wounds re-opening God, you bringing this stuff up to the top so we can deal with it?

Stop talking to me man. Are you really just trying to be like that? Do you think I'm dumb or something? What are you trying to pull?

Shitman. What's a mutt supposed to do?

Bitter towards Church, your Church God.
Indifferent towards you God.
Tryin to figure things out.
Liking some people... resenting others.

Crap I'm getting tired.

Could use some rest. Could use a vacation.

Ah. Yes.

I miss your face,
the funny things you used to say
Made me cry today,
I don't wanna cry no more,
No more...

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

Somebody's dying today and new babys are born,
Some celebrate their life and other's heart's are torn,
Some cry at the funeral, others party the birthdays,
Some say that it's a zen ying yang the earthway,
God gave it a life so he could take it away at anytime he wants
No matter how much I pray, when the time is done
Lordy Lord don't have no mercy,
When it's time to go,
Well it's time to go...
Life's a -----, then you die, I know
But Lord, how do you choose whos staying and who's not?
and I was praying with all my heart that you choose not him, not her
and why not them Crooked cops and theives
Who took my watch and teeth,
Drug dealers and killers who just pop and then leave,
Criminals and pedifiles raping women and children,
Dumb presidents and villains
On a killing spree, to fill up they greed
To get what they need at all cost.

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

I'm loosing faith like my name was BIG,
The life after death, I don't know if I be up in heaven
For questioning you and having a doubt
Would you condemned me to hell if I scream
and shout to the Lord's name in vein
For that I'm going insane,
Feeling pain for my main man that left me early,
No mercy like that thug that I met up in Jersey
was trippin for my chain, he really wanted to hurt me,
Got me nervous on purpose, acted like he gonna mirk me
Shifty undercover cop lowdown and dirty playing God's game
Just to let me know he can
I'm a brave heart, but he had a gat in his hand,
He was a one of many devils
with them heavy metals,
Who likes to meddle with them people
with hearts of angels,
But my man wasn't,
He was a good father, a son, a loving husband,
Beloved by the dozen, 9 to 5 just to get by a regular dude
But he was gifted
His mind was a miraculous tool,
Watchin' his moves like spectacular cool.
He had passions of Christ and compassions of Buddha.
When my mind wondered off 3:10 to Yuma
He dealt with my pain and many others,
For real he felt my pain, better than any doctors,
He was a reason that I'm breathing and he's not no more...
What for, Lord, I know that the world is yours, What for...
He not breathing no more,
You didn't have to take him, we got devils galore...

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

I miss your face,
the funny things you used to say
Made me cry today,
I don't wanna cry no more,
No more...

***

so it goes.

Love. Smile. That's what we gotta do. No?

FUCK. GOD. THE WORLD IS BLEEDING. DO SOMETHING.

We can't.
There's nothing we can do to stop the bleeding.
God... do something...

You are good. This is all I know now. I know nothing else...

God I'm holding on I swear... I think I am... I don't know if I am...

Or are you holding onto me?

God... I know you're bringing up some deep shit that needs to be dealt with now...

Just... let's do it. Let's fix this stuff.

I can't do it on my own...

UGH. GOD.

Girr God.

Girr.

How come your love isn't reassuring to me anymore? Your blessings, your promises...

Is there something wrong with me?

Ugh.

I did have a really nice day today though.

Thanks God.

I'm going to feel depressed.
I'm going to feel joy.
I'm going to feel sadness.
I'm going to feel happiness.

But I won't give up.

I can get A's.
I can get B's.
I can get C's
I can fail.

But I will not give up.

I may not be a good son.
I may not be a good dancer.
I may not be a good student.
I may not be a good musician.
I may not be a good fencer.
I may not be a good friend.
I may not be a good Christian.

But I will not give up.

Even when I want to kill myself.
Even when I want to get high.
Even when I want to get shitfaced.
Even when I want to stop putting in an effort to be good.
Even when I want to stop putting in an effort.
Even when I want to stop.

I will not give up.

Life will throw everything at me.
The Devil will throw everything at me.
(I don't know if/but/maybe) God might throw things at me.

I will not give up.

I swear, tonight. For the rest of my life.

Whatever happens.

I swear...

I won't fuckin' give up.

You hear me?

You na'msayin?

I won't fuckin' give up.

I will not give up.

Ah. I didn't get out of bed till a few minutes ago.

I read your word.
But the words weren't being read.

I'm back in that hole again.

I don't know why I'm here.
I have theories.
They all conflict.

Usually about how messed up I am.

Last night's dream was twofold...

I drove to my grandparents/neighbors house, then we all got in the car together and started driving to church.

I then was working at a small Korean mart...
Cleaning the shelves, helping people out.
I needed a rag to clean, not a hag...
It's okay I understand, you think I don't speak Korean...

I'm not doing anything today...

Four Dreams in a hour and a half nap.

1st Dream...
At school, pouring rain, Korean restaurant, the bad guys aren't really bad people. You should be nicer to him, he sits alone. But thanks for the free food Yimo. They appreciated it. Thanks for the food, head chef. I appreciated it. Hope the trial goes well Yimo.

2nd Dream...
At home, Dad and Uncle need to do business, Phone call from Dad, Argument... But my Dad lost his phone. Don't yell at me Dad... It's not my fault I swear...

3rd Dream... I forgot??

4th Dream...
Pier, Haunted House, Scavenger Hunt, Camping/Sleepover, Special Girl, Thief...
Come back with our stuff... Oh wait you guys go on ahead, she hurt her hand...

Ho.

The last few days... have been good.

And I wont lie, God.

I'm a little nervous.

Because I want you to be my one and only, and I don't want to place anything higher than you.

And I'm scared I'll get too comfortable with this happiness.

Keep me humble... all the praise goes to you... none to me... this is all of your doing...

Hrm. But it seems like you've been answering prayers.

So I will keep on praying, trying to do what's right.

Ah.

Trying to do what's right.

Trying to do.

Trying.

Ah. Good you are good.

God it was nice that you brought me back to church. =]
Thank you for giving me happiness the last few days.
Really... all the glory goes to you.
You are... Good. So so good. Oh so good. Oh, oh, Good. Oh, OH, Good.
God you are Good.

Ah. Thank you...

God, thanks for letting me... talk to her about you, really, just really show her what you mean to me.
God you are my first love, as much as I like her, and as much as she makes me happy, God, you are 100x better.

I want you to mean to her, what you mean to me...
and I mean that.

Thanks for her God =]
She makes me happy.

aslghasldghasldkghas;ghasgh

"sukidayo"

"am I supposed to google that?"

"look it up after I log off"

I... dunno... what to feel right now...

...please, don't take this away from me...

Is it bad of me to ask that?

I haven't been this scared... yet happy... in a long time...

...I need to keep studying for my Russian test...

Right now I'm not okay. I'm going to sleep.

Right now I feel okay. I like this feeling.

I haven't written in here in a while.

It's been that bad.

God...

I need you...

When has that not been the case?

That every breath I take is only by your grace?

Why doesn't your name bring tears to my eyes anymore?

Your love... doesn't move me the way it used to...

But how could that be?

Of course, you were always there, arms wide open. Of course, your love has never failed, it is enduring, forever. It is an everlasting love.

I was running... I... don't like the sound of you... maybe out of bitterness, which you don't deserve.

But I was running.

Your blessings, didn't seem appealing.
Your gifts, I didn't want them.
Your grace, meant nothing.
Your love, I didn't want it.
I didn't feel it.
(Maybe that's the issue)

It wasn't appealing to me...

Why? Yeah, your love is unending, everlasting, perfect. Always giving... always faithful.

But that didn't appeal to me...

So my prayer has been,

"God I want to want you..."

Ugh.

God. I want to want you.

So now I'm sick in bed. Literally, writing this from my bed...

Who am I when no one is watching?

Weak.

Be real with myself? Own up to what I'm not good at?

I'm dumb. I hate... so many things about myself God...

And... I don't know how to accept your love... I don't remember what it feels like to be loved.

Really.
Really...

Loved.

I want to write more.
I want to *vent more.
I want to *vomit more.
I want to *bitch more.

But I'm sick...

I need to get better.
I need to *move on.
I need to *keep living.
I need to *do.

I can't give up.
Life's always gonna be a battle.
I'm gonna be fighting these voices for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I'm okay with that right now.

I need you God... But I don't know how much of me is behind that.

Proverbs.

я не знаю

I don't like the way I feel.

I am angry and bitter.

I feel okay today.

Yesterday, I realized I didn't need to do some things.

This morning I did them.

And... it seemed like nothing.

God I want to want you. So much.

And I think I am. Little by little.

Today seems so much less intimidating.

My earring is back in btw.

"God loves you so much, and knows you so well that he knew if he gave you a home here on earth, you would be satisfied."

I want, to want God so much.

And I sin... and I like it, because it satisfies me, if only for a second.
But then I hate it. I hate the way that it makes me feel. I hate the emptiness that comes right afterwards.

God, I want, to want you so much.

Show me... please... I am weak, I forget so easily... I give in to temptation...

Show me... refine me... make me want to want you more than anything in the world.

I want to understand your love... I want to be able to accept it.

I'm just trying to be real.

Damn. I hated you, God, so much this past weekend. I was so damn bitter.

I hated everyone. Fuck them... what do they know about me?
I hated my parents. Fuck them... I feel like I've been without parents for so long now.
I hated my friends. Fuck them... they don't give a shit.
I hated my church. Fuck them. Both of them. I don't belong there.

I hated my God. Why... I can't even say...

"Thanks for calling me."

All I did was cry... and maybe even at the time you might not think that you helped.
But you did...

But I know deep down... I love all of these things... As much as it hurts me, as much as they hurt me... as much as I hurt myself...

I love the people around me...
I love my parents...
I love my friends...
I love my churches...


I love my God.


And then you had to go and be good...

I wish you would just let go of me sometimes... but Christ's blood binds the holy spirit to me... that every time I fall, I fail, I sin, I curse you... all you do is look at me with arms open wide... saying, "Son, I love you come back to me..."

You just had to hold on to me... when I didn't want you at all.

UGH. Why'd you have to go and be so good?

And then you showed me how you see me...

You showed me what you see when you look at me...

And again, I am ashamed... I am so ashamed...

I don't want to just... know. I want... the reassurance... I want to really know...
With all of my being...
That everything will be okay.

I want to know with all of my being, what it feels like to be loved.

God you love me... but I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that feels like.
I don't know.
I don't.

"Has your Dad ever touched you lovingly?"

I don't know.
I don't.

"God loves you so much, Sean, I don't know why, but he does."

I don't know...
I don't...

"I'm pretty sure when you get to heaven... and if there are those layers that those guys talked about... You'll be in the layer right next to God. And you're gonna be leading worship, and playing praise all the time when you're in heaven."

I don't... know.

"Stop trying to push him away, accept it. God loves you. Accept it. ACCEPT IT."

I don't... want to...
No...

"You have a good heart."

I don't think so...
I don't...

"Sean, you have a good heart. You're a good kid."

(I don't even know if those words resonate with me anymore.)

"Sean, God loves you!"

k...

"Never give up."

I won't.

yea...

(Verse 1)
My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel

(Chorus)
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take
'cuz I'm ready for a funeral

(Verse 2)
My mind runs I can never catch it even if I got a head start
God please tell me I am feeling so alone way
I don't need to worry 'cuz I know the world'll feel this nigga
Blessing in disguise but I am not hiding who I am open your eyes bro
If I ever met you, I appreciate the love yo
Girls that I dated, it's ok I am not mad yo
Unless you stabbed me in the heart, no love ho, this shit is so ill
Play it back from the top if you recognize real

(Chorus 2x)
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
'cuz I'm ready for a funeral

'cuz I'm ready for a funeral (I'm ready for the funeral, I'm ready for the funeral)

Neva give up. Neva. Eva. Eva. Give up.

URGH.

Hahaha.

Neva give up.

"God has never shaken his head at you, he's just been saying, 'Come back to me', with open arms."

I guess. Something has been won. Something small. So it doesn't feel like a victory...

But it is, nonetheless.

We'll keep going on.

I'll keep going on.

Hold fast.

Na'msayin?

God... You've shown me how you see me... you look upon me and smile... I'll try to accept that... really I will.

I'm feeling pretty... bitter.

My head doesn't seem to be in the right place.

I don't want to care about anything.
Fuck everyone.
I gotta do, me.
Yeah, I think that's how I feel right now...

I was... reading through some old letters.
What the hell happened to me?
Damn I feel like I fucked up real bad.
Feel like I'm so fucked up.

I never gave a fuck
I never a fuck about what niggas thought about me
I mean I did but like fuck it na'msayin
You gon' love me man
You gon' love me man

V1
They can't comprehend
They even come close to understanding him
I guess if I was borin they would love me more
Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
Then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with

HOOK
But my mind is all crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came in from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a airplane in the sky
But then they say I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came in from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a bird sittin high high

CHORUS
I be that man on the moon
I'm that man on the moon
And imma do what I do so
Do you hey hey
I be posted with my blunt and a brew my dude
I'm that man on the moon
I'm up up on the moon

V2
Close my eyes, hide in the dark
It's a curtain call, come one come all
All I do is try to make it simple
The ones that make it complicated
Never get congradulated
I'm somethin different in all aspects
Don't want a woman just to love her assets
I Still wife her up even with her flat chest
The type to get hurt
But that's the past tense

HOOK
My mind is all hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
Cuz they used to call me lame, lame, lame, lame...
My swag was a little different
But then my mind is hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
But they the ones who lame, lame, lame, lame...
I got the last laugh nigga

CHORUS
I be that man on the moon
I'm that man on the moon
And imma do what I do so
Do you hey hey
I be posted with my blunt and a brew my dude
I'm that man on the moon
I'm up up on the moon
***

I be that man on the moon.