"Once you see everything from the top of the mountain, you will understand."

"But do all the bears have to die for me to get there?"

"Yes."

*

4:50 am. Pwahaha. Stayed up for no reason.

Should have at least started my paper... Oh well...

I wanna get it done soon...

*

Beauty... Death... Uh... Mystic Experiences...

*

We are all beautiful... Oh so beautiful.
It's really just unbelievable. I wish I could open my eyes even more.
I wish I could see the whole Ocean. I wish.

My biggest sin... here... is not that I want to be like you Christ...
but I want to be you.

I want to be that perfection that you are, but not really at the same time.
I want to be that one that everyone can turn to... I want to be that one who has a perfect love, ever forgiving, always understanding...
But I can't. I am not Christ...
I am imperfect... work in progress. Nothing special.
But beautiful.

And I like the way I am right now...
But that seems to be a problem.
So we ask, "Will I like it in heaven?" Or... "Why does God even matter right now?"

But... divine love, a true experience crushes us... we try to make it pretty, because we don't want to die. But when a true experience comes in, it breaks our heart. It breaks us. Everything we are...

So would I like heaven? Probably not.
Will I like heaven? Probably.

For... as we grow as we mature, we lose... we die and are reborn again and again.
The little boy who wants to play with the older kids... Once he gets old, and plays with the older kids, realizes, he's not the little kid he used to be.

We need to die before we can go to heaven... hahaha. Because it's not us that will make it there... but something else... Still us... just.

different.

And I'm okay with being different. We're all different, and I'm cool with the fact that I don't necessarily fit in. Anywhere.

That's just me.

Different... Ever growing, ever trying to understand the ineffable, the incomprehensible revelation that is

God, Christ... But the experiences that I have, the revelations that I receive only explain themselves to me. They are ineffable. They are revelatory.

And these belong to me. They make my relationship, however odd it is, with my God unique, different.

Who says it has to be a certain way?

Haha. Fuck that.

There is good and there is bad. There is gray area as well.

Who says we need to have an official starting date for relationships? Who says that we need to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, or have a certain swag.

Be yourself. And if you adhere to something as well, that's fine. Don't follow without questioning...

We are all beautiful...

*

Haha I should delete this. I forced this... well, not all of it. but some of it.

Ugh. I sound like a pretentious douche...

Yeah. Definitely. Lame as hell.

*

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Your leg is still attached... hold up, let me reload.