I learned...

...a lot today.

I think.

I opened my eyes a little and saw the ocean.

I feel humbled, and yet I feel like I'm a part of something bigger.

I sometimes worry about us, but what happens, will happen.

I know what I feel though, and I know how I feel towards you.

No one ever said life was going to be easy.

Mm.

I am not wise, I still have much to learn.

Mm.

I have only begun to swim.

You burden...

...with your generosity.

I've been reading A Gesture Life by Chang-Rae Lee,
(I finished Native Speaker last week)
and both books have brought up interesting ideas to me.

Gesture life? Gesturing all throughout our lives?

Something's gotta give, one of us has gotta win.

Sorry. Maybe I'll complete this later.

As I was driving...

...a lot of things came in and out of my head.

If I didn't have my hand on the steering wheel I would've tried to write some of these thoughts down.

So a few things have been bouncing around in my head, one reoccurring theme continues to be this "rok" thing... the responsibility of (or that comes with) knowing. When we know about something, we become, somewhat, responsible, or connected to what we've just found out.

This brings to question the ideas behind lies and truth. Let's assume that a truthful statement is a statement that is, not false, or valid, and that the validity relies on the real-ness of the statement based upon other conjectures/assumptions we have that buttress it.

Whereas,

A false statement would be a statement in which the validity/realness is not very well supported, or not supported at all. In essence, a lie. (DUH)

But, when we don't bring in assumptions/conceptions or anything else into the picture, and just have the statement itself, most people tend to accept it as a truth. And even if they question, false premises can be created to feign the legitimacy of the original concept.

In this sense, a lie exists as a lie, only to those who know it is a lie, and not the truth.

Does that make sense?

Odd sortof idea, changes the way I think about lying and being truthful.

But I guess that was brought into question a little bit last night/today as I was driving.

For a while I had said to myself, let's always be honest. Then it changed to, let's always be honest unless we need to hold back the truth from people. And then it evolved into, let's be honest, unless we need to lie for certain benefits, because some people cannot take or handle this responsibility of knowing.

And now, I'm not so sure where I stand about this.

Next thing... Beauty.

A friend was talking to me last night, and this person said that if he/she could have anything in the world it would be a perfect body because even if they weren't beautiful on the inside, they could be beautiful on the outside.

Certain things make my stomach hurt, or feel weird when I hear it. When I get insecure about my girlfriend, my stomach hurts, when something bad happens or there's a lot on my mind, my stomach hurts. And not like a, stomach virus kind of hurt, but just a small little feeling, that isn't good.

And this is the same feeling I had last night when I read what my friend had said. My friend had also said that models make her/him feel bad, that he/she gets jealous of them and their figures and their beauty.

Is there really something wrong with the way that we are? Is there something wrong with my friend? Is there something wrong with me?

I ask myself this a lot when I'm deep in my thoughts, convinced that no one else in the world has ever or might have thought of these things. I know I'm wrong, but when you're drowning in the ocean your first thoughts aren't necessarily worried or aware of someone else that might also be drowning in a totally different sea.

Does anyone know the Korean fairy tale/fable about the frog who lives in the well? He thinks he's the king, and there's no other place in the world that can compete. He swims around in the water, and can rest in the sun on a rock. However, a turtle comes by, and sees the Frog. The Frog boasts that he is the king of this "sea." However, the turtle tells him that there is a whole MOTHAFUCKIN OCEAN out there (...ha...ha...).

Maybe we're all just a big mix of frogs and turtles. I like to see myself as a turtle, (Self-righteous? We'll get to that soon, I have ideas about that as well) mainly because I look around me and I keep thinking, I hope these people want better for themselves, and want more than just this.

Recently I've been telling kids who are applying to college to "get the fuck out of here." I think it's very relevant and separates the frogs from the turtles. I don't mean to narrow the issue by constricting it to college. However, a lot of people just, limit themselves by setting a standard or an example to reach for. They become to comfortable with their surroundings and would rather opt to just, "whatever" instead of becoming in charge of their own personal growth and become aware of the ocean instead of attempting to live like a king in their own well.

So, get the fuck out of here. In a good way. See the sea, see the ocean, know that you're not just a frog in a well. But if you're really comfortable living as a king of a well, Okay. That's fine. I have no right in trying to get a frog to swim in an ocean. But i guess, in a way, because of "rok" I feel somewhat obliged to tell people that I know about an ocean that does exist out there.

Meh.

Self-righteousness. I think is so weird. It seems like a misdirected form of confidence. Both the frog, and the turtle could be self-righteous. However, the frog seems to be the self-righteous one, convinced of his own kingship, while the turtle is still humble enough to admit that the sea is mightier than he is, and that he just swims within it's power.

Am I being self-righteous? or confident?

And is that what may or may not be "wrong" with me?

In Genesis 1:31, it says, clearly that:

³¹ God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

It was VERY GOOD. We are all God's creations, therefore we are, very good.

I mean we could get into a whole other argument about religion and the validity of christianity based upon it's premises, realness and ideas that back it up. But meh. It's a truth until we find out that it's a lie.

But, this is why I tell myself, and I tell people, that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, with the way we are, with the way you are.

It's only our own perversions and misdirections of our emotions and feelings that lead us (and when I say us I mean people, I just read an article about some guy who raped a four year old... sigh.) to commit "crimes" (in quotes because these are derived from ourselves, laws [very legitimate] based upon human nature and the preservation of certain human truths we hold dear to ourselves).

Mmmm.

It's up to us to decide what we think is beautiful, but we shouldn't let it limit ourselves, nor should we belittle ourselves in pursuit of what we think is beautiful. There's nothing wrong in trying to better yourself in a way you think fits you. Just don't limit yourself.

God has a plan for us, but whether or not you believe that doesn't mean you don't have free will. Take it and use it. Whether it's your own glory, helping others, or the Glory of God, do something.

Keep on swimming, I think. Make it to the ocean, see it's vastness, don't squint your eyes so that you lose sight of the world around you. Keep on swimming. There's nothing wrong with you.



*****

Endnote: This was very theraputic for me. I'm actually smiling. Getting this all out makes me feel a little bit lighter, which is one reason why I don't necessarily mind who read this. It's public for those who happen to stumble upon it, but I like this for my own personal records as well =]
KCool. Have a good day everyone.

I've had two...

...dreams recently. One last night, and one a few nights ago.

The dream last night was this: First, there was a small show, a metal band played, I moshed. Nice audience. I was supposed to play drums for a band (that might be getting together this semester). They didn't tell me what songs to learn, and my drumset was crap. So we left it at that. Skipped ahead to my highschool (or skipped back?): I'm in my science building, walking around, seeing old faces. I head over to the library to study for math, or something. Once I'm there I see a lot more people, professors, etc. Some family friends approach me, and I joke with them. They respond accordingly. Soon I'm in a schoolbus, with a lot of people that I know. People in the back begin a card game, the teachers hear them plotting it, and it comes to a stop. The next thing that happens is We arrive at a building (presumed to be in NY, although it looks like a Korean building [as in, a building that would exist in Korea/Seoul instead of New York]). As we walk in, there's a nice welcoming sign, and we head down two flights of stairs, walk through a washing/locker type room, and enter into a large auditorium. It's nice and white, has a few pillars. Greek style architecture. Nice white chairs, and instead of where a stage should be, there's a railroad track with five cars on it (small railroad track, think carnival ride). Soon people started coming in, (apparently it was my birthday). So I sat in the front row, and watched as some friends got onto the train and began a skit. There was a friend sitting to my right, and a girl sitting to my left, who had apparently planned everything, even though I didn't know her. As the skit went on, the train went into operation and took them behind the stage. There behind the stage, they were presented with odd situations in which to react to. Those who reacted "incorrectly" were killed, within that situation. Less gruesome than Saw, but oddly creepier when you think about beauty being around a life and death situation. (I mean I guess both life and death can be beautiful but we can talk about that later). That's blurry, but that was the gist of it. All of a sudden this girl hugged me from behind, and I thought "Oh this is nice!" and then she started making out with me, and I had to push her off because I had a girlfriend, and I kept telling her to stop nicely, but she wouldn't so I just got up and left. Soon a police investigation was initiated to find the people who had died in that building. Around this time, I guess there are riots going on, because some people tried to gun down a kid. He escape with some people (and me) trying to protect him. We led the gunners to the building and got onto the train. One person found a way to beat the system, by not picking either decision. (apparently the key was to pick love when you felt hatred, and supposed to hate when you felt loved in the situation). The place began to flood (the situation room[s]) and we escaped while the gunners died. As we walked out of the building, nothing looked different; except for the welcoming sign at the entrance of the building. it was night and I had to study for a math test. I drove away, ran a red light, got pulled over by the cops, realized I didn't have my permit on me, and then decided to wake up.

Mmm.

The other dream (a few days ago) was interesting. It turned into a nightmare towards the end.

I'll make this a little shorter. Marching band competition at my highschool (which had blended with my college campus) was in the gym right next to the library. In the library people were there socializing and studying. Family friends showed up, one of them was coming here. I introduced her to Pastor Ron, and then we drove towards my dorm. I called Tina to let her know I was almost back but couldn't speak for some reason. As I walked up, around one of the dorm buildings to mine. I saw an old lady dragging a dead body, and a severed head (belonging to the body, I presume) into "her" dorm building. We made eye contact, and I kept walking. As I neared a bend in the road, I saw her appear on the ledge above me. Straight and solemn faced, she pulled out a sword and jumped down at me. (This is where it gets kinda cool, because this is one of the dreams where I had full control of what was happening. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was scary... this old lady.) I tried to talk to her out of it, but she kept on approaching me, so I pushed her into a river, froze the river, and then killed her. I jumped up to fly out of there, and as I took to the skies I noticed three little kids, doll-like flying near me. I went over to them and noticed they had knives and were plotting to kill me. In turn, in defense, I grabbed one of their knives and procedeed to kill them. As I cut them, cotton came out of them, for in the end they were just dolls and not actual people. I woke up at this point. I think. That what was so scary was the notion of people trying to kill me, and my lack of reluctancy to defend myself. Ionno.

I wanna turn these into short stories. I've always liked short stories better than novels. You have fewer pages to present something just as interesting. In a short amount of time, you present people, characters, settings and then develop them within just a few pages.

Maybe I'll try to write this summer...

More to come later...
Don't steal my dreams please =]

I had something...

....to say here, but I can't seem to remember.

Vaguely remember...
Something that had to do with sympathy vs. love, and the idea of taking advantage of someone/something being a byproduct thought of that.
and/or
Being nice vs. being a pushover
and/or
My changing view of what praise is/is meant to be.

Maybe I'll write more later.

...Mutt? Moment of Weakness?

You don't have to read this. This may or may not be a moment of weakness for me.
And yes, I am putting it up publicly. It helps me. You do not have to read it if you don't want.
And for those of you that are thinking that possibly I am putting this up with the intention of looking over my shoulder, and hoping that someone will say something to me, to point something out to me.
You're right. I am putting this up to help myself get some things out, to help cope and possibly to see if anyone wants to say anything in response.
You will hear this many times in the following paragraphs.
I love you all, but right now, and just for right now, maybe possibly again in the future when I get to this point of anger again,

Fuck you all. I love you all, but right now. Fuck your shit. All of you. I've had enough of your bullshit.

Is there heaven for a mutt? Is there love for a mutt?
I feel like I stick out wherever I go. My church, the churches I’ve visited. The people at my school, my highschool friends.
I am, a “mutt”
Mixed breed, mudblood, impure, tarnished. Whatever you would like to classify me as.
Go ahead, string me up, give me your kingdoms and phylums so you can know where to place me, this misdirection of your fear of unknowing.
Your insecurities and even your failures at attempting to keep your race pure. Your close-mindedness, your tunnel-vision that only allows you to work with people of your own kind, to never branch out to keep yourself locked into a neverending cycle of racial superiority and discrimination. You feel this need to chain me down, another “new race” that you are unsure of how to deal with it. You will look at me and think of my parents, how they could ever love each other, eyes closed, looking past skin color.
You cannot comprehend the love, or at least what love there was when I was conceived, created, destined to become an amalgamation of my parents’ traits and heritages.
I know where I’m from. Do you? Do you have written history that dates back almost three thousand years?
Do you know the stories of how your great-grandparents met? And how their love and the loves of their children spiraled all the way down to me? The black sheep of this family.
You say you love me. You say I make you proud. You say that I am to be a bridge between different peoples of color. I believe you.
But the way he looks at me makes me think otherwise.
“What is this thing, what is this child that I have created?”
I am a mutt. You fuck. And right now, I am very angry.
I will chew apart your couches, and shit and piss everywhere until you decide to either finally accept me, or take me to a pound.
Do not fuck with me. You have no Idea where I’ve been, what I am capable of, and who is behind me.
This is a-fuckin-merica. The YEW ESS OF AY. If you so desire to stick to your own races, to stick to yourselves, move back to your own countries, your unsoiled, unspoiled countries, filled with your untarnished purities that you so love, cherish, and would hate to go to waste on someone like me.
This is the fucking melting pot of the world, and you’re going to try to keep your integrity? You will be in close contact with so many different people. In fact, you are GIVEN the PRIVILEDGE of being able to interact with people of all different races and color and creed and social status and financial status. And yet you can only shut yourself into the same thing that your ancestors have done, and their ancestors before you.
“Is he Korean? I only work well with Korean people.” I really like you, really, truly, you’re a great guy, you sing well and you play guitar well, and God has a plan for you, I mean it with all my heart, I love working with you, playing with you, praising with you.
BUT REALLY? I swear, if anyone else were to say that….
GO THE FUCK BACK TO KOREA IF YOU REALLY ONLY WORK WELL WITH KOREAN PEOPLE.
GODS LOVE ISN’T JUST FOR KOREANS YOU FUCKHEAD.
YOU GO ON MISSION TRIPS YOU PREACH THE GOSPEL, JESUS’ LAST COMMANDMENT FOR US
This really isn’t just to you, and I’ve forgiven you the moment you said that, but I am just using you as an example of… let’s say a moment of weakness that you showed to me.
Missions means shit if you aren’t willing to break yourself down. Christianity means shit unless you are willing to sacrifice yourself.
Fuck you all.
Seriously.
You tell me that you have a nice community of people, that they are all accepting and caring and loving.
Fuck your shit. Honestly.
Don’t let me sell short everyone else that has shown me, really, just love that, I don’t deserve. Thank you guys for really taking me into your family, your communities.
But for the rest of you, fuck you.
Don’t bullshit me, I see the way you stare at me, my eyes may not be as small as yours OR even as big as yours, but I am a part of you, there is a part of you in me.
Fuck you all. You make me feel like shit. There is no one around me that I can relate to, and all you do is continue to shun me from either side.
I am too Asian to be white, and too white to be Asian. No matter where I am, you will always stare at me, and point me out. You will wonder many things. But I tell you right now,
I am a mutt. And you are Dog Food.

100 Days....

...was yesterday for me and Tina =]. So I woke up about 20 minutes ago (What I'm already on the computer?) and I'm heading off to "work" soon where I will sift through hundreds of LPs trying to find some that might be able to get me some money. I'm saving up for:
A) Rent
B) Bass Cab (I got/have a MarkBass LMII)
C) Wireless Instrument system (If anyone's seen me play....)

But all of this, is moneyyyyy.
And it's kind of invigorating. I have a job now, I'm working at a hakwon (Korean afterschool/SAT Classes kinda thing). But until the summer session starts, I will be trying to make money by selling LPs. But here's the thing, yesterday Tina and I wanted to get couple rings, yeah, how lame. Hahaha. But it seemed nice, and I wanted to.

We didn't end up getting any rings. The one's that were inexpensive enough just wasn't what we were looking for, and the one's that looked nice were out of my price range. It was... jarring I guess, and a little depressing that we couldn't get the rings.

Moneymoneymoney. I gotta pay rent for the room that no one's living in... Sigh.

Everything is money. Which clearly isn't true. But it seems like it right now, for the last week or so. I really don't know what's gonna happen once I'm on my own...

That and the summer retreat is getting me slightly frustrated.

Ugh. Depressing.

We did have a really great day though, we ended up sitting down in a park and talking about a lot of stuff (mainly me venting...) and then eating dinner (Ruby Tuesday's in NYC is really really nice O.o) and ultimately me heading back home. We also saw UP, which was SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. Yeah....

A couple things I realized yesterday...

1. The reason why I like drinking/spending time with friends/playing video games, and yes, even praising, is that it stops me from thinking. My mind is on something else. Whether it's planting the bomb or screaming Gods glory, it puts the focus of my mind on something else, it doesn't let it wander. Reading this over, it sounds almost naive to say this, but that matters so much to me, just getting my mind to STOP thinking for a little. It seems odd, because maybe you could just relate this to drugs or something. What I'm trying to say is that it may be seen as an escape, a way to get away from everything. I don't necessarily think that's the case... It's more like, shifting the focus of what my mind is on. When that focus isn't "shifted," it allows my mind to wander, and that's what gives me my moments.
Yeah...

Did I realize anything else yesterday...?

Yeah, I'm not gonna share this one though. (My mind is now beginning to wander...)

I made some CDs for Tina, hope she likes them...

Mmmm. I think I gotta get going to work. Peace.