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"sukidayo"
"am I supposed to google that?"
"look it up after I log off"I haven't written in here in a while.
It's been that bad.
God...
I need you...
When has that not been the case?
That every breath I take is only by your grace?
Why doesn't your name bring tears to my eyes anymore?
Your love... doesn't move me the way it used to...
But how could that be?
Of course, you were always there, arms wide open. Of course, your love has never failed, it is enduring, forever. It is an everlasting love.
I was running... I... don't like the sound of you... maybe out of bitterness, which you don't deserve.
But I was running.
Your blessings, didn't seem appealing.
Your gifts, I didn't want them.
Your grace, meant nothing.
Your love, I didn't want it.
I didn't feel it.
(Maybe that's the issue)
It wasn't appealing to me...
Why? Yeah, your love is unending, everlasting, perfect. Always giving... always faithful.
But that didn't appeal to me...
So my prayer has been,
"God I want to want you..."
Ugh.
God. I want to want you.
So now I'm sick in bed. Literally, writing this from my bed...
Who am I when no one is watching?
Weak.
Be real with myself? Own up to what I'm not good at?
I'm dumb. I hate... so many things about myself God...
And... I don't know how to accept your love... I don't remember what it feels like to be loved.
Really.
Really...
Loved.
I want to write more.
I want to *vent more.
I want to *vomit more.
I want to *bitch more.
But I'm sick...
I need to get better.
I need to *move on.
I need to *keep living.
I need to *do.
I can't give up.
Life's always gonna be a battle.
I'm gonna be fighting these voices for the rest of my life.
I don't know if I'm okay with that right now.
I need you God... But I don't know how much of me is behind that.
Proverbs.
"God loves you so much, and knows you so well that he knew if he gave you a home here on earth, you would be satisfied."
I want, to want God so much.
And I sin... and I like it, because it satisfies me, if only for a second.
But then I hate it. I hate the way that it makes me feel. I hate the emptiness that comes right afterwards.
God, I want, to want you so much.
Show me... please... I am weak, I forget so easily... I give in to temptation...
Show me... refine me... make me want to want you more than anything in the world.
I want to understand your love... I want to be able to accept it.
I'm just trying to be real.
Damn. I hated you, God, so much this past weekend. I was so damn bitter.
I hated everyone. Fuck them... what do they know about me?
I hated my parents. Fuck them... I feel like I've been without parents for so long now.
I hated my friends. Fuck them... they don't give a shit.
I hated my church. Fuck them. Both of them. I don't belong there.
I hated my God. Why... I can't even say...
"Thanks for calling me."
All I did was cry... and maybe even at the time you might not think that you helped.
But you did...
But I know deep down... I love all of these things... As much as it hurts me, as much as they hurt me... as much as I hurt myself...
I love the people around me...
I love my parents...
I love my friends...
I love my churches...
I love my God.
And then you had to go and be good...
I wish you would just let go of me sometimes... but Christ's blood binds the holy spirit to me... that every time I fall, I fail, I sin, I curse you... all you do is look at me with arms open wide... saying, "Son, I love you come back to me..."
You just had to hold on to me... when I didn't want you at all.
UGH. Why'd you have to go and be so good?
And then you showed me how you see me...
You showed me what you see when you look at me...
And again, I am ashamed... I am so ashamed...
I don't want to just... know. I want... the reassurance... I want to really know...
With all of my being...
That everything will be okay.
I want to know with all of my being, what it feels like to be loved.
God you love me... but I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that feels like.
I don't know.
I don't.
"Has your Dad ever touched you lovingly?"
I don't know.
I don't.
"God loves you so much, Sean, I don't know why, but he does."
I don't know...
I don't...
"I'm pretty sure when you get to heaven... and if there are those layers that those guys talked about... You'll be in the layer right next to God. And you're gonna be leading worship, and playing praise all the time when you're in heaven."
I don't... know.
"Stop trying to push him away, accept it. God loves you. Accept it. ACCEPT IT."
I don't... want to...
No...
"You have a good heart."
I don't think so...
I don't...
"Sean, you have a good heart. You're a good kid."
(I don't even know if those words resonate with me anymore.)
"Sean, God loves you!"
k...
"Never give up."
I won't.
yea...
(Verse 1)
My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel
(Chorus)
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take
'cuz I'm ready for a funeral
(Verse 2)
My mind runs I can never catch it even if I got a head start
God please tell me I am feeling so alone way
I don't need to worry 'cuz I know the world'll feel this nigga
Blessing in disguise but I am not hiding who I am open your eyes bro
If I ever met you, I appreciate the love yo
Girls that I dated, it's ok I am not mad yo
Unless you stabbed me in the heart, no love ho, this shit is so ill
Play it back from the top if you recognize real
(Chorus 2x)
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
But please don't cry, just know that I have made these songs for you
And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take
'cuz I'm ready for a funeral
'cuz I'm ready for a funeral (I'm ready for the funeral, I'm ready for the funeral)
Neva give up. Neva. Eva. Eva. Give up.
URGH.
Hahaha.
Neva give up.
"God has never shaken his head at you, he's just been saying, 'Come back to me', with open arms."
I guess. Something has been won. Something small. So it doesn't feel like a victory...
But it is, nonetheless.
We'll keep going on.
I'll keep going on.
Hold fast.
Na'msayin?
God... You've shown me how you see me... you look upon me and smile... I'll try to accept that... really I will.
I'm feeling pretty... bitter.
My head doesn't seem to be in the right place.
I don't want to care about anything.
Fuck everyone.
I gotta do, me.
Yeah, I think that's how I feel right now...
I was... reading through some old letters.
What the hell happened to me?
Damn I feel like I fucked up real bad.
Feel like I'm so fucked up.
I never gave a fuck
I never a fuck about what niggas thought about me
I mean I did but like fuck it na'msayin
You gon' love me man
You gon' love me man
V1
They can't comprehend
They even come close to understanding him
I guess if I was borin they would love me more
Guess if I was simple in the mind
Everything would be fine
Maybe if I was jerk to girls
Instead of being nice and speakin kind words
Then maybe it would be ok to say then
I wasn't a good guy to begin with
HOOK
But my mind is all crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came in from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a airplane in the sky
But then they say I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came in from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a bird sittin high high
CHORUS
I be that man on the moon
I'm that man on the moon
And imma do what I do so
Do you hey hey
I be posted with my blunt and a brew my dude
I'm that man on the moon
I'm up up on the moon
V2
Close my eyes, hide in the dark
It's a curtain call, come one come all
All I do is try to make it simple
The ones that make it complicated
Never get congradulated
I'm somethin different in all aspects
Don't want a woman just to love her assets
I Still wife her up even with her flat chest
The type to get hurt
But that's the past tense
HOOK
My mind is all hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
Cuz they used to call me lame, lame, lame, lame...
My swag was a little different
But then my mind is hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
But they the ones who lame, lame, lame, lame...
I got the last laugh nigga
CHORUS
I be that man on the moon
I'm that man on the moon
And imma do what I do so
Do you hey hey
I be posted with my blunt and a brew my dude
I'm that man on the moon
I'm up up on the moon
***
I be that man on the moon.
It feels so familiar but so different at the same time.
It's like an old face... I know you, you've changed... you're different now...
---
I wish you were right next to me right now.
I wish we could drive around until the sun comes up and then sleep the day away.
I wish I could bring Gods love to you
I wish I could be floating with you right now.
---
I want to ease your burden...
I want to be a better person for you...
I want you to see, that God loves you so much.
---
HAH. What is happening...
She wasn't very tall, had green hair.
The snow fell down slowly, but all of it stuck.
I told him to hold my blade, she smirked and stepped forward.
I cut her neck. She said, in her childlike voice that could've only belonged to a twelve year old, "Him... =]"
He lunged forward.
Losing against me was playing easy. A large headed person floated around them, watching.
They bounded through the buildings, knocking things down; snow flew through the air.
Everything fell and moved so smoothly.
There was no moon. It seemed like night.
Everything was blurry.
Family issues. She ran away from home. Her friend left behind something big. Her brother was trying to get them back. They were fighting.
Broke through a small house.
Darts flew through the air.
Blue... illuminate by orange... magnificent.
Her friend was taken down, out of the sky.
Out burst another man as he took off into the night.
She was in the snow.
He stood a few feet away.
I woke up.
"There was once a great piano teacher who had two different students. The first would curve his fingers too much when he would play, and the second would flatten his fingers when he would play. So the teacher told the first one to straighten out his fingers a little, and told the second one to curve his fingers a little."
***
That being said, someone really needs to tune the piano in the ICC.
I have a new enemy in my dreams...
He drives a red Rav-4, wears camo shorts... has spiky hair... acts like a druggy, but is really an... alien.
In my dream he cut off my Dad's head and went after my Mom. I made fun of him, and he came after me...
And I woke up as I slid down the hill, this guy in pursuit...
