I haven't written in here in a while.

It's been that bad.

God...

I need you...

When has that not been the case?

That every breath I take is only by your grace?

Why doesn't your name bring tears to my eyes anymore?

Your love... doesn't move me the way it used to...

But how could that be?

Of course, you were always there, arms wide open. Of course, your love has never failed, it is enduring, forever. It is an everlasting love.

I was running... I... don't like the sound of you... maybe out of bitterness, which you don't deserve.

But I was running.

Your blessings, didn't seem appealing.
Your gifts, I didn't want them.
Your grace, meant nothing.
Your love, I didn't want it.
I didn't feel it.
(Maybe that's the issue)

It wasn't appealing to me...

Why? Yeah, your love is unending, everlasting, perfect. Always giving... always faithful.

But that didn't appeal to me...

So my prayer has been,

"God I want to want you..."

Ugh.

God. I want to want you.

So now I'm sick in bed. Literally, writing this from my bed...

Who am I when no one is watching?

Weak.

Be real with myself? Own up to what I'm not good at?

I'm dumb. I hate... so many things about myself God...

And... I don't know how to accept your love... I don't remember what it feels like to be loved.

Really.
Really...

Loved.

I want to write more.
I want to *vent more.
I want to *vomit more.
I want to *bitch more.

But I'm sick...

I need to get better.
I need to *move on.
I need to *keep living.
I need to *do.

I can't give up.
Life's always gonna be a battle.
I'm gonna be fighting these voices for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I'm okay with that right now.

I need you God... But I don't know how much of me is behind that.

Proverbs.