"God loves you so much, and knows you so well that he knew if he gave you a home here on earth, you would be satisfied."

I want, to want God so much.

And I sin... and I like it, because it satisfies me, if only for a second.
But then I hate it. I hate the way that it makes me feel. I hate the emptiness that comes right afterwards.

God, I want, to want you so much.

Show me... please... I am weak, I forget so easily... I give in to temptation...

Show me... refine me... make me want to want you more than anything in the world.

I want to understand your love... I want to be able to accept it.

I'm just trying to be real.

Damn. I hated you, God, so much this past weekend. I was so damn bitter.

I hated everyone. Fuck them... what do they know about me?
I hated my parents. Fuck them... I feel like I've been without parents for so long now.
I hated my friends. Fuck them... they don't give a shit.
I hated my church. Fuck them. Both of them. I don't belong there.

I hated my God. Why... I can't even say...

"Thanks for calling me."

All I did was cry... and maybe even at the time you might not think that you helped.
But you did...

But I know deep down... I love all of these things... As much as it hurts me, as much as they hurt me... as much as I hurt myself...

I love the people around me...
I love my parents...
I love my friends...
I love my churches...


I love my God.


And then you had to go and be good...

I wish you would just let go of me sometimes... but Christ's blood binds the holy spirit to me... that every time I fall, I fail, I sin, I curse you... all you do is look at me with arms open wide... saying, "Son, I love you come back to me..."

You just had to hold on to me... when I didn't want you at all.

UGH. Why'd you have to go and be so good?

And then you showed me how you see me...

You showed me what you see when you look at me...

And again, I am ashamed... I am so ashamed...

I don't want to just... know. I want... the reassurance... I want to really know...
With all of my being...
That everything will be okay.

I want to know with all of my being, what it feels like to be loved.

God you love me... but I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that feels like.
I don't know.
I don't.

"Has your Dad ever touched you lovingly?"

I don't know.
I don't.

"God loves you so much, Sean, I don't know why, but he does."

I don't know...
I don't...

"I'm pretty sure when you get to heaven... and if there are those layers that those guys talked about... You'll be in the layer right next to God. And you're gonna be leading worship, and playing praise all the time when you're in heaven."

I don't... know.

"Stop trying to push him away, accept it. God loves you. Accept it. ACCEPT IT."

I don't... want to...
No...

"You have a good heart."

I don't think so...
I don't...

"Sean, you have a good heart. You're a good kid."

(I don't even know if those words resonate with me anymore.)

"Sean, God loves you!"

k...

"Never give up."

I won't.