It feels like it's been a while since I've been here...

I told someone about this.

I felt terrible about it. Like I shouldn't have said anything. Like it was such a selfish thing to do...
Everything... seems so selfish.

Maybe that's okay, that nothing really pure comes out of me... Because I am impure...

What... makes me think that I can settle for less?

Ha. I feel like everytime I delight in something... it's like saying to God...

"You're not good enough for me. I'm going to delight in something that isn't you."

What a piece of shit. Hahaha.

How dare I...

I need an encounter... but I wonder if you'll ever give it? You promised you would...
So I am not righteously earnestly seeking you...
I guess I still don't see how deprave I am...
I don't see really how much I am in need of you...

I can say that I know it... but I can't place it into my heart.

How twisted.

Hahahaha... how twisted...

God, I need you... but I'm not sure if it's you that I want... or what you bring.

How twisted.

I feel like taking the life you so graciously gave me. It's not like I asked you to create me.

How twisted.

How twisted.

How evil.

I'm too focused on that to even look at the cross for redemption.
So conceited. So greedy. So sloth. So evil. So wrathful. Condemning.
I need to break my neck. Kill myself. In order to look the other way...
I need to look forward to the cross, not the evil holding me back...

I said that I would keep try to keep praising you and praying to you even if you didn't give me anything, or show me anything.

Am I worshiping you out of bitterness now?

How twisted.

Stop.