Heh.

Peace right now...

I've been up since 4 studying for a test that's in about three hours.

I dunno if I'll post this up in a more public place eventually...

Sigh.

*

I'll admit admit that as much as I'm pushing God away, and as much as I don't want to go to Church and how much I'm pissed at the people... I did lose the point of it (God, Christ)... that... really underneath all of that, it seems like who I am... hasn't really left. In a way... my connection with God... how much he means to me... hasn't really gone. I just need to deal with some...

Issues.
Parents and stuff.
Friends and stuff.
Girls and stuff.
Church and stuff.

I am feeling... good though. The sun is up...
I've watched the light in my room get brighter as it creeps around my windowshades...

Life goes on. I'm happy you're a part of it.

I'm happy that my friends are a part of it.
I'm happy that the people I fuckin hate are a part of it >=]
I'm happy that my God, God, is a part of it.

I'm happy that my parents are a part of it...

As bitter as I am.

'Cause honestly...

Part of me, all of me, well, just something of me.

Is tired. Fuckin hates going to church. Feels like it's all a facade, so fake.
So... not... the way it should be.

Oh man I am judging so hard... perfect me kickin in here...

I'm sick of a lot of things, oh so tired.

I've been sinning. I mean we all do, we have been.
But... even when I felt as if I was clinging to God with all my might, it still... didn't feel right.
Looking back at it.

But now... after listening to some things, listening to some people... part of me says fuck that. I was fine the way I was, I am who I am now... but I should've held on...

I am growing, continuing to grow. Refining. Fire. God.

But God I am so tired. So tired of going to church. So tired of praising your name when I really don't want to. So tired of lying to people about how I feel. So tried of just trying to be... something.

Hey God, remember that time when I said "fuck you to your face"?
Yeah, you do...
Man, I was hurting that day, so pissed.
I told myself you have a perfect timing, that you're waiting for the best, for what's right, what's perfect.
But shit. It hurts. Fuck you... I'm sorry... but man it hurts.

I've always been myself, I've just, held back, or not let it out in certain places.

But.

All y'all fucks make me feel like y'all are judging me, not gonna lie.
I don't feel welcome almost anywhere I go.
But maybe that's the price of being... me.
Or maybe that's just me being me.
Or maybe that's me being hella immature.

I don't have a family, and as much as... the care and the love that people have for me is finally getting to me, getting to my heart, it feels so unfamiliar.

I don't remember what it feels like to feel loved.
To feel cared for.

I don't.

Haha Damn that shit sounds so emo... Whatever that even means... Over-used stereotypical statement that has no meaning or value. It's shittt.

And I still don't feel like I have a family.
I'll admit.
Parents not really together anymore.
Shit bothers me as much as I'll shrug it off and say whatever.

Damn, the things I did, and still do to try and find a family...
Frat. Drinking. Girls. Dance.

And I'll admit I'm a pretty horny fuck. Hahaha.
I probably hurt a lot of girls in my life (giving myself too much credit here? Hahaha)
But I got hurt a lot as well.
But into a bad place of insecurity that manifested itself in the continual, and somewhat delusional thought that i could keep, searching for family if I kept on trying, kept on going back to the same thing, hooking up with girls, or trying to get into relationships that, were really based on nothing...
But it felt good, it was nice, felt... okay.
I'm not trying to downplay those experiences, made me who I am now, who I am today.

I'm not perfect. I am weak as fuck. But I am me. Ima keep going.
That's what makes me strong.
Willpower, na'mean?

I'm bitter towards a lot of the actions that I felt like I missed out on, that I didn't receive from a lot of people in my life. I felt like... I had to figure things out on my own.
Do things on my own.
Fight on my own.
Live on my own.

And I still feel that way.

I just wanna be free. Let me be, God, can't you leave me alone??
Can't you?
Just let go of me. Shit.

This isn't like some huge revival in my heart.
This isn't some sort of... amazing mystical moment, ineffable and inequal to anything else...
Well, it might be.
This isn't a life changing moment...
Well, actually, I guess it might be. Don't really think I'll forget this night...
Me time, alone time. Studying, music in the background... keepin me awake.
This is me man, just doing my thing, moving along.


I am just trying to do. To live. To do what I think is right.


My faith is dead, I need a revival somehow.

Shit man. This shit hurts.

This is a start.

My God is not dead, He's surely alive, and he's living on the inside.

Roarin' like a muddafuckin lion.

Living on the inside.
Roaring like a lion.

*

Yeah I think I'll post this publicly.