Images...

#1 --> Big Heart... Sleeping... God Dancing over me... even when I'm not awake... A train to Vegas... "Amazing..."
#2 --> Scuba Gear... diving into water... A vast dark sky... littered with stars...
#3 --> 1st Timothy 4:12-14
#4 --> Father... Mother... Heaviness... Lightness...
#5 --> Sailor... I'm on a ship... God is on board... There are people... but I'm not necessarily connected... The ship is heading the right way... I am an officer... but I just signed on recently...
***
Interesting...
***
God... I want to grow in intimacy... and just chill with you...
So I will =]
You're already here... with me... in me...
We need your presence all the time... but you already here with me...
I just need to chill with you =]
***
Ty God, for tonight. For Today. For Your Love. For Your Grace...
***
#1 --> Big heart... want to give it... resting in God... peace...
#2 --> Swimming in his love... his grace... clarity... something bigger... awesome... fear of God...
#3 --> Remember.... focus... It's okay... God is with me... like a light...
#4 --> Lift it up to God...
#5 --> I'm on the right track... I'm headed in the right direction... Sailing with God... Family... create bonds... relationships... Anchor?
***
Oh happiness....

Thinking about...

...cutting things out... reaching out as well.
Lots of relationship-type things.
I had a great thanksgiving =]
Ended up talking to my mom about marriage + relationships, and where I am, and how awesome God is...
Good lunch... the tea at PF Chang's isn't that bad at all... hahaha
***
It was just so clear... all the things God has given me, and still is giving me, and is just blessing me with...
***
When you first get into a relationship... there's the passion, the puppy love...
And once you get past that stage... you begin to learn, and really see, (Or should be learning...) who the other person is...
And as you begin to learn... you move into the... responsibility that comes with being in a relationship...
***
I also realized some things about myself, and the relationships I have with other people... or have had with other people...
I'm generally myself, with anybody... but there are people who I tend to watch what I say with, and there are people who I feel... guarded towards.
The people who I don't feel guarded towards, the people who I can just... speak freely with, without my guard up, are the closest friends I have... are the people who I love spending time with... and... is something I want to have when it comes to... whenever the next time I get into a relationship is...
***
I felt very guarded with some people in the past... I was open, very honest... but oh so guarded...
***
I don't want that...
***
There needs to be a complete trust and open-ness, to each other...
All the physical stuff, is a by-product of love, not a pre-cursor to it...
***
Oh so broken... but oh so joyous... God just makes his perfection know through our imperfections... our weaknesses are blessings...
***
I'm trying to lift up things more and more to God, depending on him, realizing I cannot do things without him...
***
So today... I'm feeling... Blah. It may be because I'm tired... or maybe it's the weather... but I do feel.... bleeehhhh... Trying to lift it up to God... Aigoo...
***
God you are good, every day, so why should I stop praising you because of how I feel?
You are Good. God. =]
***
I want to grow with the holy spirit... converse with it... walk with it... follow it...
I want to chill with it... chill with God.
***
I want to be chillin' with the King.

Thank you...

...God.

These last couple of days have been amazing =]

And I haven't been happy for all of them,

But you have been good through it all.

God I am thankful.

***

You brought me here to South Carolina, to spend time with family, you reunited me with my mom.

Thank You.

You've given me such a great life, and even good weather down here.

Thank You.

The choices that you've given to me, the choices you've let me choose, the way you made me.

Thank You.

The hurt I feel, the pain I feel.

Thank You.

Refining Fire.

Thank You.

Grace and Mercy.

Thank You.

Love.

Thank You.

I love you.

***

Mmmm. That being said, all the glory goes to God...

So... thinking of a few things...

***

Drinks were served at dinner. I didn't drink. But I was thinking about...

Self-control.

My aunt came up to me and asked me if she should stop drinking.

I'm just thinking to myself, it's up to you. You have the power...

You have the choice of self-control.

And that doesn't mean not drinking necessarily, but that means you're choosing to control what you do.

Mmmm.

Once I get older maybe I'll start drinking with family again.

But then again by that time, maybe I won't need it at all =]

***

Potential... I've had this thought a few times... that like, when we're born, we're like circles, able to progress and grow in an infinite number of points outwards. (Yaknow? Like... perpedicular to all the infinite points of a circle...)

And as we grow, we shape ourselves, become different...

And as that happens, our potential changes as well, coming out of us at different angles and directions.

Hrm....

***

Give it all to God.

Alpha + Omega.

Wutwut. That's MY king.

***

People aren't subjects. When we love, we shouldn't love... subjectively, but... objectively...

Taking in and seeing everything there is to see.

Love vs. Blindness.

***

So.

Opposing forces...?

Courage vs. Insanity Maybe not necessarily...

Knowledge enhances both sides.

Fear can stop both from happening.

We choose courage, or insanity.

But God reigns supreme here. Letting all of this happen.

Giving us this choice...

Shaping us...

Loving us...

Word.

***

Happy Thanksgiving =]

Gly. No matter what.

Good...

...morning. God.

I dunno what made me think that my life was of value.

I don't know what made me think that I was a star in your movie.

God I don't want to find value in my life.

I want to life it up to you.

The good, and the bad.

***

Get over yourself.

***

Even though I had learned recently that I don't have control over these things, I had forgotten in just as quickly...

Ha.

Get over yourself.

I want to get over myself.

I want to see past this illusion that I have control over my life.

'Cause God, there is so much out of my control.

And God, you are in control.

I need you.

Can't do it without you.

Can't do anything, without you.

I haven't...

...even done my QT yet.

And I'm damn near well about to cry.

Damn this hurts...

***

Last night, in my dreams. You were there.

Like a simple plan, pop-punk wannabe emo breakup song.

You were there.

And it hurts.

You might as well have ignored me, giving me only the leftovers of your greetings and cheer as you waltzed through the library.

And I walked home alone at one in the morning.

He was a nice guy, I even admitted it.

And he probably doesn't even exist outside of my head.

But you were happy with him.

And in your moment of weakness, you ran to him, in front of me.

Damn this hurts.

This hurts a lot.

And all I wanted was to grow.

***

I don't even know how to channel this stuff, or face it.

Months ago I would've found someone else to suck face with and move on.

Damn is it usually this hard? I mean I guess the old ones aren't supposed to be visiting you in your dreams...

I have so many questions to ask.

I have so many mixed feelings.

I want to be angry, but that wouldn't solve anything...
I want to be happy, but I'm not... not right now.
I want to move on, but for some reason it's so hard...
I feel so pathetic... 'cause it seems like this hasn't phased you at all...

I don't really mind feeling pathetic, I just don't want to lie to myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Not now.

***

I want to reach out for help.

I want a hug right now.

But I really feel like, that I would just be doing the same thing, turning to girls for comfort.

***

And I woke up that split second you went to him.

And my thoughts turned to God immediately. And that makes me happy.

And God, I want to grow...

I prayed that you would open my eyes, and help me grow. I don't want to ask for things, I don't want to ask for this or that.

I just want to understand.

To grow.

But it just hurts so much right now God.

And maybe that's okay.

Yeah. I think that's okay.

...I just want to know if there's something I should be doing about it God...

***

Growing pains.

***

So I went back to sleep...

and I became trapped in a dream.

Where you had seen

What I had written.

And of course then it all went to hell.

Yelling at friends,

Getting angry,

Eating lunch with mom in Korea,

Old guys telling me I'm going to the wrong church...

Racing atv's in a valley,

The hell is going on in my head...

Last night...

...I was blind.

I couldn't move very well.

I could only flail around on the floor...

Calling out for help, my mouth could barely open.

It uttered only a grunts, yells, calls.

People walked past me. I couldn't see them, but I could feel them.

Someone helped me up, and for a second my eyes were opened.

It was a fall day. I was in front of the gym.

The sun was shining, and the grass was green.

And I was blind again. To all of this.

I fell down again.

Unable to move.

My body not responding to what I asked it to do.

And then I pleaded to God.

God save me.

Save me...

***

So before I slept I had a talk with a... sister of mine =]

She was scared demons were going to attack her tonight.

She had gotten good at telling when they were going to attack her.

I talked to her about David and Goliath. About Jonah. About suffering.

About how pressure makes charcoal into diamonds.

Refined... the most dazzling precious treasure...

We prayed... that God would protect her if it's his will, that he would send angels down to protect her.

But then I thought... what if God wants this pressure, what if God is sending a storm to make us jump into the water?

Mmmm.

So God, we are so human, give us the ability to grow. More than being saved from demons or not, more than jumping into the ocean or not...

Give us the ability to grow God.

To be transformed...

Yaknow?


***

Instantly, my eyes were opened, and God had saved me.

***

Was it Kawi Kum? Was a demon attacking me, not just in my sleep, but in my dreams as well?

Was I unable to see the pressure? Was I unable to see the storm?

And maybe it's just a dream =]

***

God we cannot fight Goliath without you.

I'm just a kid... I'm still learning God.

I want to grow.

There seems to be...

...an issue that I keep having.

That God has been saying to me over and over again... but I just don't get it for some reason...

I need to stop trying to earn his love...

But I just... don't get it... I just don't know how...

How do... I just... let...?

God... you love me...

Why am I still trying to earn it?

Why am I still trying to earn grace?

Blarg.

This one...

...wont be too long.

God you are too good.

So good.

Amazing.

I am in awe... in fear, not scared of, but in fear of you God.

For you are great, your glory fills the temple, your grace is overflowing, and your love is unconditional and pure.

***

You answered my prayers God, you have opened my eyes.

I am a sinner God, I am a terrible person.

But thank you God.

Thank you for making me aware of this.

***

There is refining fire, and cleansing water.

Numbers 31:22-23.

You are providing me with both.

Thank you God, for answering my prayers.

***

Repentance...

Thank you God.

You are still refining me.

You are changing me.

Cleansing me...

Fixing me.

'Cause you know, I am so messed up.

I am so messed up =]

But in this... your Glory shines...

***

So God, thank you, for refining me, saving me, cleansing me, changing me, opening my eyes to help me see.

God you are GOOD.

Hosanna... Hosanna... Hosanna...

I need you.

I fear you.

I am in awe of you.

I love you.

***

Goodnight.

I've been...

...coughing for the last few days.

I am sick.

Hahahaha Oh my... I was bed ridden yesterday, more or less.

Going out even for a meeting was a bad idea.

I've been having the craziest body sores and coughing attacks...

Blarg =P

God will heal me. (That being said I also took some tylenol. ty God)

***

I was thinking about possibly going after a leadership position.
I wanted to revert the organization back to it's roots, back to it's purpose,
It's pillars.

I talked to a bunch of people about this possibility.

And of course, I got very mixed reviews.

I think in the end I decided not to.

How can I be a part of something that may or may not require me to be in support of something...

That I, and God doesn't support.

Hrm... I was thinking however,

That maybe God's light could've been shined, if I was up there... in that position.

***

But then again... I think the answer is love.

We shouldn't be trying to fix people.

Nothing's wrong with us to begin with... In a... general overview, that is...

Genesis 1:31

Of course, we are sinners, we sin.

We do things we shouldn't do.

We think of things we shouldn't.

We are so human and we need God.

But the fixing comes from love.

We need to love, not fix.

The fixing, happens, but it isn't a concious fixing... no?

What we are concious of, are our flaws.

But our flaws are okay. We are still made that way, and there really is, nothing wrong with us.

We realize that we have our issues, that we need rescue, that although there is "nothing wrong with us", our flaws, our imperfection allows for grace and love to fill us up.

Our Flaws are a blessing.

Our Flaws lead us to love.

Through our flaws, God's glory is known, his perfection.

His Love.

We need to reflect his love.

We need to understand his love for us, so that we too can love.

'Cause we all need rescue...

***

We twist love...

We don't know love...

Not true love...

***

So God, open my eyes, and my ears and my heart.

I want to see, I want to know.

***

I'm sorry, I've twisted love so many times.

How could I have said, "I Love You"

When I didn't know what it really meant...

"Love"

***

I feel so much pain sometimes.

I feel like the weight of the world is there.

I want to open my eyes, and to thank God for making me aware of the pain.

God, would you drown us....

Saturate us...

Flood us...

...with your love.

***

God, you are my joy... But sometimes in the moment it's so hard to see.

Open my eyes...

You are my joy...

Set me on fire...

***

There's so much stuff floating around in my head...

I just want to sleep...

I just want to find rest in your arms God...

You bring me so much Joy, even when I am down.

***

Love is the answer.

Love is going to win.

I am so frustrated...

...with my powerlessness, the fact that I cannot be there telling her not to take ecstasy.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her not to cut herself.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her not to drink.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her to eat.
The fact that I cannot be there like I used to, 'cause I miss this one so much it hurts.
The fact that I cannot be there to hug him and tell him it's okay, that he has a family.
The fact that I cannot bring him out of his shell.
The fact that I cannot get him to stop doing what he's doing.
The fact that I cannot get him to stop sleeping with girls, that there is a security that comes from above.
The fact that I cannot break down his wall of pride.
The fact that I cannot help him understand that there is love, and that he cannot do it on his own.

That God.

You have all of them in your hands.

And I, I AM POWERLESS.

I cannot live for them, I cannot make decisions for them, I cannot bring them to you God.

GOD I AM SO POWERLESS.

And you are POWERFUL.

You have all of them in your hands God.

Each and every single one of them.

God please, take care of them.

But let your will be done.

GOD LET YOUR WILL BE DONE.

I just... wish...

***

Todays sermon was about Joy.

Real joy doesn't come from circumstances. Because the circumstances always change.

Real joy comes from within.

From God.

Christ.

Believing, then having faith in and then knowing,

God.

Christ.

That there is love.

That there is something better.

That we shouldn't die for the ones we love, that we shouldn't dare to die.

That we should dare to live.

That, "I dare you to live."

That we all need...

***

...Rescue.

That we all need love, we all need

a hug.

***

Barry needed a hug.

Barry is homeless.

He stumbled into church on Friday night.

He sat up front.

No one else was sitting there.

He cried when we sang praise.

He cried when I talked to him.

He cried when I prayed for him.

God, you have him in your hands.

God, please...

He cried when we hugged.

God please...

***

God has been speaking to me through dreams.

All the glory goes to him.

I will not become cocky because of this.

...super friends... unite...

We cannot fight the mall master. We cannot fight the machine. We cannot fight the army that is against us.

...but we grow.

God equips us, every single day.

He helps us, every single day.

He teaches us

Guides us

Holds us

Loves us

As the monsters get bigger and bigger, we can face them, day after day after day.

Not on our own, not because of ourselves.

But because of God.

Because God is Good.

All the glory and praise to you God.

***

God send me super friends to fight alongside with me.

***

When I fenced yesterday. You were there God.

You were the one that helped me fence well.

You were the one that got me to top 16.

God.

All the glory goes to you.

Without you, I would not have done well.

Without you, we wouldn't have gotten a car after waking up late, we wouldn't still have made it on time.

We might have died on the freeway... going 105 miles an hour.
We might have not gotten a car, and missed the tournament 'cause we missed the bus.
But your glory prevailed God.

***

It would be so awesome if like...

We could just fight everything with love.


Just imagine an ocean...
Putting out all the fires, drowning everything bad, and us just swimming in all of it...


That would be awesome...

And God is shining down on us...
We're just...

Swimming in his Grace.

And Jesus is there chillin with us...

And they're smiling.

Delighted that we have returned.

And we're smiling.

Overcome with happiness being in his presence.

Oh Happiness...

There is grace enough for us and the whole human race.

We're all smiling.

***

Barry is homeless.

Pray for him.

***

God...

...I'm lost for words.

Hrm...

...Chillin with God...

Gifts... You give them... you'll provide...

Evangelism? Joy? Off the beaten path?

Where have you placed me?

What are you trying to say?

God I pray, make it clear.

I'm happy God, most definitely.

I feel you... right now.

Speaking to people...? Spiritual sensitivity...?

Gotta head back and grab those people before they get eaten up...

I need to depend on you...

You want all of me...

Teach me to let Go, for you are jealous for me...

May I find my rest in you....

This stuff is crazy...

You are AWESOME God...

Make it clear...

SUPER-Natural... namean???

Hrmmm...

I will pray about this =]

To be chillin with you, to let go... to be used... God.

I love you... But this is so much at once, hahahaha ><

Peace, I will be chillin with DA KING...

Last weekend...

...was awesome.

I had a great time at the cornerstone college retreat.

I don't ever want to forget this weekend.

I felt... comfortable.

I was reminded of just how much Jesus Loves us,

How much he loves me, and how much he went through for me.

***

I had a dream I was... astro boy.

I had just been created, I was re-learning how to walk.
Let alone how to fly.

This big machine like thing came to life and began to attack me.

It had drills and it chased me,

Swinging it's arms as I jumped between levels of a parking complex.

With the help of some friends, we managed to trip it into the sea.

Once it was there, it grew.
I was able to fly now, and I flew around the water, and it would try to swat me from underneath, 'cause he knew I wasn't able to see into the polluted water.

I started to shoot out little drills, and I would dodge most of them, but some of them would hit me.

But all this time I couldn't fight back.

It then changed. It became organic, and floated around, breaking things, destroying things.

I watched as it split, and grew, and grew. It fed on other people, on other animals.

It then moved to the middle of the sea, and formed a giant city.

It sent out smaller creatures, that began to shake the foundations of the building we were in.

The building shifted, and fell on it's side, and began to sink.

I ran at first, and then someone told me I should go back and save my friends. So I dove in and pulled them out.

As we left, I caught a robber who was trying to steal from us. I ended up carrying her to the safe zone along with my friends.

I pulled out my papers just as the military asked, and they told me I could come in...

And then I woke up...

***

I also had a dream where I was driving a car for the president of the frat.

...fix your brakes...

***

Hrmm...

I've been born again... and fighting an enemy I cannot necessarily kill.
It grows and grows, and takes and takes.
It'll grow huge... and take people with it.
And although WE cannot fight it, we can find refuge, and we should bring as many people as we can...

...maybe?

***

I met the most awesome people over the weekend.

And God, you love me so much. I just break into tears at the thought of what you've done for me.

I have so many questions... I'm so excited God... I want to learn more and more...

Mmmm. Life isn't always easy, and I'm not always happy, but there is Joy.

***

...and love. Don't forget to smile.