Hahaha I'm so lame.

But I love this.

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Love
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I think it's easy to think that, I shouldn't say anything. Or I have no right to.
And in a way, I can't. What can I say?
What can I boast in? (I'm not referring to the passage right now...) I've messed up so many times, rolled around in my own shit complaining, spoiled me, and blaming God. I've closed my heart to him so many times out of fear. I've also done the same to the people around me, then boxed myself inside this wall of bitterness, forced myself into loneliness and really just shot myself in the foot.

The only thing that gives me the right to write this is the blood of Christ washing me clean, adopting me into his family, as a heir of the king...

And it's available to all, all of us dearly loved children; more than conquerors we are. But it's easy to forget our identity, at least part of it when we roll around in the dirt, when we roll around in sin, play with fire... We think that we have no part in it because we're so dirty... But Christ's blood washes all; and with this we can approach God boldly knowing that Christ has paid it all for us.

Hahahaha.

I'm lame.

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It's Halloween, and all I think is... it's all so nothing.
I did have so much fun in the past. Smoking, drinking. Getting high getting drunk.
I'm so easily pleased... it's so nothing.
But maybe it was all a part of growing up.
Will you all see?

Who am I to say anything?

It's just the blood of Christ.
Just love Jesus.
Just love.

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From my praise team leader...

If all Paul knows about love is Christ, having been show such great grace and love...

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Christ
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not Christ, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not Christ, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not Christ, I gain nothing.

4 Christ is patient and kind; Christ does not envy or boast; Christ is not arrogant 5or rude. Christ does not insist on its own way; Christ is not irritable or resentful; 6Christ does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Christ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

CHRIST. ENDURES ALL THINGS.

We'll get up, dust ourselves off, and try again.

Do you ever wonder if there's anything more?

Do YOU ever wonder if there's anything more?

I don't know much...

Is it worth it?

Y'all make it seem so attractive, to be completely honest.

I'll admit I had my fun and games as well.

But it was so nothing.

You make me question why I decided to keep trying, to keep fighting.

*

Stop speaking in cliches...

Do I speak in cliches...?

What a douche.

How vain of me to write like this.

Lawl.

Did you just clean it all off, break off that ugly crust?

Bound to me by blood, constantly cleaning and washing.

Even if I barely held on.

Even if I didn't hold on.

Even if I didn't hold.

Even if I didn't.

Even if I.

Even if.

Even.

Not even.

It's not fair, your grace, at all.

Ugh.

Ugh.

It's hard. Why should I trust you?

I'm sorry I'm bitter.

It's just hard.

I'm imperfect.

I have so many flaws.

So sinful.

I feel like I've been bathing in shit.

Ugh.

Can I say I'm trying?

Can I say?

Can I?

Can?

Is this my low stamina or sin weighing my heart down?

Hrm. I hope I never forget that feeling.

I'm sure it'll happen again.

It's funny... I feel your presence. Holding me back even when I'm this close...

I'm so torn.

Just letting sin right back in.

I'm tired God.

I don't want to try right now...

I don't.

Last night when they attacked me as I put my head down to rest...

I couldn't move, as usual... I couldn't fight back.

All I could think to myself was, "In Jesus name."

Couldn't even think to actually pray. To actually cast them out in your name.

To fight them in your name.

And I'm hella lonely right now.

Hella, hella lonely.

Bitterness is taking me over again.

Sin is leaking in.

I have no urge to fight it.

But I spoke to momma today.

So I'm trying, right?

I want to go get healed.

So I'm trying, right?

...right?

Or am I just rolling around in my own shit-sinfullness...

I'm tired.

Sin is leaking in.

Im sitting in my infinity lecture right now.
It's hard to understand. I zone out most of the time or play a stupid game to waste time.

I had an odd day today.

I've been dreaming again, and I love it.
Really, lucid dreaming, dreaming.
I'm so happy God is giving this to me... (I'm just assuming that he is...)

And I hate saying this, but it's nice being able to get away from everything.
It's nice to just go to a place that doesn't exist and have an adventure.

Today was hard God. I woke up, and temptation was already at my door. I'm trying to fight... but I'm scared I'm just going to turn this into a process.

I haven't eaten since breakfast because I took a nap in between classes.

I dreamed then too.

I'm worrying about money.

About time.

About stretching myself too thin.

About my future.

But I offer all of it up to you... It's hard for me to trust in your promise...

But I offer all of it up to you... in the hope, and the very small faith and knowledge that your promises never do fail.

I hope you're doing something with me. With this crap life that wouldn't amount to anything unless, really, unless you were up there and in control.

Today was a weird day.

*

I'd give up all of my desires for marriage, for a wife, for just having someone there to fill up this void, for a person who can understand (But would ANYONE be willing, or even be able to?) and take me, if I could just commune with you, to eat with you, to speak with you, to hear you, to just be intimate with you God.

God, I'd love to be a prophet.

I'd give that up to become one.

*

It'd be nice to get married though, to be in a real relationship... to have someone who'd understand, who I can talk to... but more and more it seems like that's a fading hope...

But maybe, just maybe, praise you... because you're the only one I can talk to and confide in.

Ionno if that's biblical-y correct, or not... or even if this is what you want or what you're planning for me...

*

This is small. Compared to your love God.

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/10/three-more-words/

*

I haven't written here in what seems like a while.

Today was a weird day.

That was a good weekend.

Definitely more rooted.

Love to death.
Love to Life.

Love to your life? Their Death.
Love to your death? Their Life.

When we don't pay back. We die.
Christ took that debt and kept it.
And died.

This is forgiveness.
This is love.
It will kill you.

Love to Death.

I'm not denying that you're here...

I'm not denying that you're with me...

I know that you love me...

But it feels like more and more I know less and less of what to do and how to act.

I literally do not know what to do.

I literally do not know what to say.

So everytime you ask me what I think, or how I feel about something, and I say "I don't know" or "what do you want me to think", it's because I really don't know.

And if I say LOL, or OKAY to something that you say. Chances are I agree with you, really, or I do find it funny... but I literally do not know what else to say.

It really feels like no one taught me how to act... what to do.

It seems like everyone knows what's going on except for me.

I don't know what to do or what to say.

lol.

"People want to get to know you, before they get to know what you believe in."

"...but when you do stuff like that for girls,

they misunderstand a lot."

"I want you to be a conquering Christian"

There is a teeny tiny small desire.

But it's there.

There is a teeny tiny small heart.

But it's there.

Hrm.

"I want to be blessed by your testimony"

You are a redeemer, and an architect. My maker.

This is for sure. I have no reservations against that.

It's hard for me to believe that you can actually do something with this... nothing that I have.

But if you do, and I think you will, (for the holy spirit told me so) change me, I just can't wait to see it, and I wonder how I will be; What will you do?

I can't wait to see...

I hope I can just let your will be done in me.

Unless that's not up to me, in which case, I still pray that your will will be done.

It seems as if my life is better in your hands.

I feel like I'm about to break another person's heart.

Such a killer.

I'm so ashamed.

I have no heart.

I need a heart.

Give up, everything?

Am I a fool?

I don't know if I can do that.