I am tired.

I just cried a bit. Lame.

I wanted to cry more, get it out. It's been a while.

God i sound so fucking pathetic...

Realized something... realized that I always shrink away, I always hate being called on in class because I don't want to be wrong.

Being wrong is an imperfection.

It's funny how you've drilled that into my head Dad.

Everytime I tried to speak to you, you were either too busy, or I was wrong, or it wasn't good enough.

So I shrink away. I don't want to try, I don't want to speak, because I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to be a bad dancer, I don't want to be a shit musician, I don't want to be a shit student. But I end up being bad anyway, and the cycle continues.

Fuck you Dad.

I just want to be perfect.

*

How am I supposed to forgive you?

Sigh.

I forgive you, Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fuck you Dad.

I hate all of you.

*

I don't really, just feels that way right now...
Sigh. How do you expect me to love, God? How do you expect me to love?
Fuck.

Last night's dream was awesome...

Driving around Korea... seeing BOTY bboy battles... getting lost, having to go around backwoods to get to my car, seeing old ex's... talking to them... resturaunt... magical secondary world... running away from bad guys... magical... er... magic quest-type thing... demons taking over... us fighting back...

Uhh hanging out in central park, catching fish...

hrm... what else was there...

Hrm...

Hrm........

I'll try to be more honest.

Try. Is the keyword here... no promises.

I'm still pretty fucked up all around, got lotta issues to deal with.

Got a lot of demons to cast out.

God, I know you're bigger than my problems and my sins, but... I'll be real, I'm a little too prideful to accept that.

It's easy for me to write this here, because I feel like no one reads these, yet I can still get it out in a public place.

Oh well.

Maybe I should stop writing in my normal cryptic tone and just be straightforward.

Anyway. I see myself as a shit person.

I hate the way I am.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

But even there, I hate all of you.

I judge each and every single one of you.

Sorry. I know I need fixing =/ It's just all of these insecurities that have built up over time from a terribad father.

Really at the core of all of this, my insecurities coming out through my judgment on you, on whether or not you're a good enough person for me, is because I'm a five year old kid with daddy issues.

Ionno. It's a process yeh?

God what the hell have you planned for me? How are you changing me? Molding me?

Making me the way you have planned me to be?

Ah. Whatever. There's so much I want to share (But I'll never admit that), there are so many people I want to get to know and deepen friendships with...

But I'm awkward as fcuk. Sorry.
I don't think you want to hear it or deal with me. So I'll either distance myself from you, or just... gawk at you, or even imitate you.

I'm so weird.

We're just at the tip of the iceberg, yeh?
Or maybe I'm just so prideful that I even think I've got the most and worst problems out of everyone else around me...

So let's put it this way... and try to be as... awkwardly, shamefully, "Oh-God-why-did-i-just-share-all-of-this"-ly honest.

I'm pathetic, I'm weak, I'm lonely, alone and insecure I can't do it without help, from people, from God.

I need help.

Recent Dreams

In no order...

1. Apartment building... Red/yellow walls... white floors... black doorframes... black furniture... circular construction... Rich guy, but a bad guy... High ceilings... ninja fights... starcraft attacks... private school kids... hot tub on the balcony outside...
Left... 4 kids tried to mug me, stopped on, beat the other up 'cause he tried to steal from a lady... sat him down and talked to him...

2. Elementary school/church... you can pray but you'll still get eaten... zombies attacking... barricaded everything... survivors came in... second floor fire escape... let someone in... had to push a zombie away... keeping the kids safe... all seems clear... have a celebration... open the doors... it's sunny outside... one person gets bitten... it begins to spread... zombies come from the countryside... the church is next to a lake/ocean... can't escape that way... can't wake myself up like I usually can... run towards the zombies... wake up.

3. At home... people from a dance crew are there... in my house... seems like they're making a mess... mom and aunt are sleeping... People invade the house... gets blown up... in a forest... grab two short swords... start to fight...

4. Navy/Marine academy on the lakefront... hazing? I think I remember that... go out to the lakefront... church kids are there... we get on a boat... going around... it's like a theme park... fireworks light up the sky... blue smaller "cart boats" we jump on and start going around... don't remember the rest...

I do not like the person I am becoming right now.

But this direction changes like every other day.

Hrm.

Since when was reading the whole bible cleansing? =O LOL

So today, I read the bible once.
Err rather I finished reading the bible once through.

And then we had a youth service.

And I'm not trying to write cryptic, or like I usually do... because this is how i'm thinking right now.

After that I went to go dance.

Talked with the guys that I was driving around.

Heard an amazing sermon.

Was in prayer like 75% of the time.

It was awesome.

And then I went to go dance with friends.

And something was different...

In my head i'm like, wtf?

So... I danced with a few girls.

And something just... was different.

Again, in my head, I'm like, wtf?

So I just left...

It ain't the same.

I'm not saying that reading the bible once through is just... life changing.

But it's an odd coincidence... that today I feel this way.

That today I feel like all of that other stuff... is so nothing, is so un-filling,

UNSATISFYING.

I'm going to try a beer... if this feels weird too, oh damn...

HAHAHAHA

Attitude check, Ptl.

August 27th 2009 - November 12th 2010... Read the Bible once...

Yeah I stopped, started again, I may have not REALLY read through it...


But I stuck with it God, and I'm hoping that you look upon that, upon my sinfulness and see Christ, and see even just a figment of my sinfully stained commitment...

Cryptic message about the girl I like... here.

I am not perfect...
I'm pretty insecure.
I got a bunch of issues I gotta fix...

But it's all good. Because, you're in control God.

Thanks for loving me. Thanks for Dying for me.

I gotta understand surrendering more.

I'm so excited...

God you are good.

Thanks for bringing out the sun for me.

God you are gracious.

Thank you for the bad grade on my french exam.

God you are slow to anger.

Thank you for all of the work that i've had to do.

God you are rich in love.

I'm sorry for sinning.

God you are good to all.

God you are good.

God you are good.

God you are.

God you.

God.

You are sovereign. You have everything in your hand.

And I want to cry God. I want to give up. I want to stop.

But I know that you have my best interests in mind. And you have someone you want me to become.

God you are good.

Shooooooooooooooooot.

Think I miss you. It feels like it, for sure...

But this is probably another reason why I can't talk to you...

See what I gotta get fixed? Jeez.

Hahaha so random, but I guess nice?

******: hahahaha
sean, you know something i really admire about you though?
me: ?
******: it's your capacity to think!
and think deeply
me: Pshhhhh ><
******: yo, i'm serious
i've been trying to be more introspective (since i tend to sweep things under the rug, even in my own head)
and i realized that i really don't like to think, as strange as that sounds
thinking deeply is hard for me
:(
so the fact that you think so deeply is very admirable!

Interesting.
Btw. I totally killed the conversation shortly afterwards with my superhero-like awkwardness.

Ah.

I wanna talk to you so badly.

But I have so many things I need to work out first.

I secretly hope that you see this;

And that you also have feelings for me too.

But I gotta get fixed first.

And you can't be the one who fixes me.

I can't want you to be the one who fixes me.

That's not how things work.

Ugh.

You hella cool tho.

Me... being christian has nothing to do with me.

That even though I was still a sinner Christ was interceding for me, praying for me.

That even when I may have chosen to accept Christ as my Lord and savior, he's still saving me.

That his blood has washed me clean...

I'm not... "Christian."

I'm "saved."

//unfinished.

What I did instead of paying attention in econ.

Once upon a time… in a land kinda-semi-far away- more like your backyard far when you’re a small child, everything seems bigger when you’re smaller anyway…
There were bears. Tons and tons of bears. And they slept and ate all day, and dance and partied all night. Of course this shallow lifestyle wasn’t all that they did with their time; they frequently dabbled in arts and philosophies and theories that mankind would come up with years later… Well why didn’t they share? How mean of them! Well…
It was simply because they were way to fuckin’ chill to. These bears didn’t take themselves seriously. Yeah, they could’ve ripped a man in two with their bear (HAHA BEAR.) hands and gorged themselves upon the bleeding warm flesh of people, or they could’ve mobilized their bear artillery and laid siege upon the early settlements of people, but they knew that wouldn’t be very nice. And they knew that in the end, they were just some chillin’ bears who wanted to enjoy life and be any prouder than the next bear, human or animal. So they just acted, and continue to act, the fool.
You see, if mankind were to somehow develop, and come to realize the theories that the bears had realized, or even achieve the same intelligence as the bears, not only would it lead to massive conflicts but also huge amounts of hate and discrimination across the globe. It was the bears hope that the humans would just chill the fuck out as much as they did so as to not endanger the human race or any other races that inhibited the world.
The leader of said bears was Brown Bear. Brown bear was a bear. He was big, brown, and bear-like. His right hand man was Black Bear, who, like his name, was bear-like, big and black as well. Brown bear was unmarried, as being in a relationship was way too much of a hassle for someone as chill as he was. Black bear however, was married to Panda Bear, and they had two kids, both of which were a nice shade of grey with black and white patches. This couple, and their children were actually never subject to racial discrimination, because everyone was so damn chill and too busy painting, drawing, dancing, philosophizing, playing music to even think about hating each other.
One day, Brown Bear approach Black Bear and Panda Bear.
“I think, now is the time to commemorate ourselves.”
“Why?” Black Bear questioned, for he was the much more down-to-earth bear of the pair.
“Well Brah, we’re just so chill, that I think that maybe… just maybe we could celebrate that. Have a huge dance party and whatnot, invite everyone in the animal kingdom, and we could also showcase our work and invite other animals to do the same. I hear the Owls have really good expositions on the theory of infinity.”
“I think that’s a splendid idea”, Commented Panda Bear, “You should make the announcement to all the bears tomorrow! And then we can begin planning for the event.”
Black bear thought for a moment.
He began to speak.
Stopped.
Then said,
“Sure, the Owls are pretty fuckin’ ballin and I haven’t seen the lions in a damn long time.”
So that night Brown Bear prepared what he was going to say to the bear population. He slept well that night; after dancing a bit with his favorite friends. He awoke the next morning and munched on some nuts and berries before getting dressed in a better-than-usual attire. All the bears had already gathered before a large rock where Brown Bear, when needed to, and very rarely at that, would give his announcements and speeches.
Brown bear approach the podium.
Stood up.
And got shot in the head by a hunter.

The end.

Yeah and they would let go as soon as I feel that way...

Making me feel worse.

Y'all are some fucks.

...I'm going back to sleep.

Demonds are dragging me down... Please... Pray for me...

Please somebody help...

God I need you I can't fight...

I've lost confidence in the power of your name...

I feel like a weight on my shoulders...

Voices in my head telling me to kill myself...

End it all...

That I'm not good...

That I'm worthless...

I dunno if I can hold on much longer...

Fuck man, I don't wanna be a failure...

I don't feel like I can fight back...

I don't "get it" how it's not about me.

I'm stuck in this middleground...

Flirting with sin...

Ugh.

Wasn't I fine two days ago?

Jeez...

I tend to come out of our conversations with more questions than I did going into them...

Ionno.

Thank you Jesus may I have another?

Why do I feel so weird?

Why do I feel so different?

Why do I feel so lonely?

How fuckin' lame...

Why am I so lame?

Why do I feel so alone?

I wish you could just... live for me God...

I feel so overwhelmed...

Things to do:

Catch up in Plato
Catch up in Infinity
Catch up in French
Do well in Econ
Do well in Plato
Do well in Infinity
Do well in French
Get back to my attorney
Choreograph Mecha Love
Choreograph Taeyang Songs (If I'm still doing that)
Choreograph for Kaos Kids
Go to fencing practice
Go to Kaos Kids practice
Go to Elements

Wait. Maybe I'm overwhelming myself...

asldgalkshglkawhsdlk

Things to do:

Love Christ.

Mmmm. I know... that I'm not alone.

But I want YOU to be up so I can talk to you...

Jeez. =P