Hahaha I'm so lame.

But I love this.

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Love
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I think it's easy to think that, I shouldn't say anything. Or I have no right to.
And in a way, I can't. What can I say?
What can I boast in? (I'm not referring to the passage right now...) I've messed up so many times, rolled around in my own shit complaining, spoiled me, and blaming God. I've closed my heart to him so many times out of fear. I've also done the same to the people around me, then boxed myself inside this wall of bitterness, forced myself into loneliness and really just shot myself in the foot.

The only thing that gives me the right to write this is the blood of Christ washing me clean, adopting me into his family, as a heir of the king...

And it's available to all, all of us dearly loved children; more than conquerors we are. But it's easy to forget our identity, at least part of it when we roll around in the dirt, when we roll around in sin, play with fire... We think that we have no part in it because we're so dirty... But Christ's blood washes all; and with this we can approach God boldly knowing that Christ has paid it all for us.

Hahahaha.

I'm lame.

*

It's Halloween, and all I think is... it's all so nothing.
I did have so much fun in the past. Smoking, drinking. Getting high getting drunk.
I'm so easily pleased... it's so nothing.
But maybe it was all a part of growing up.
Will you all see?

Who am I to say anything?

It's just the blood of Christ.
Just love Jesus.
Just love.

*

From my praise team leader...

If all Paul knows about love is Christ, having been show such great grace and love...

1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Christ
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not Christ, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not Christ, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not Christ, I gain nothing.

4 Christ is patient and kind; Christ does not envy or boast; Christ is not arrogant 5or rude. Christ does not insist on its own way; Christ is not irritable or resentful; 6Christ does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Christ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

CHRIST. ENDURES ALL THINGS.

We'll get up, dust ourselves off, and try again.

Do you ever wonder if there's anything more?

Do YOU ever wonder if there's anything more?

I don't know much...

Is it worth it?

Y'all make it seem so attractive, to be completely honest.

I'll admit I had my fun and games as well.

But it was so nothing.

You make me question why I decided to keep trying, to keep fighting.

*

Stop speaking in cliches...

Do I speak in cliches...?

What a douche.

How vain of me to write like this.

Lawl.

Did you just clean it all off, break off that ugly crust?

Bound to me by blood, constantly cleaning and washing.

Even if I barely held on.

Even if I didn't hold on.

Even if I didn't hold.

Even if I didn't.

Even if I.

Even if.

Even.

Not even.

It's not fair, your grace, at all.

Ugh.

Ugh.

It's hard. Why should I trust you?

I'm sorry I'm bitter.

It's just hard.

I'm imperfect.

I have so many flaws.

So sinful.

I feel like I've been bathing in shit.

Ugh.

Can I say I'm trying?

Can I say?

Can I?

Can?

Is this my low stamina or sin weighing my heart down?