I am tired.

I just cried a bit. Lame.

I wanted to cry more, get it out. It's been a while.

God i sound so fucking pathetic...

Realized something... realized that I always shrink away, I always hate being called on in class because I don't want to be wrong.

Being wrong is an imperfection.

It's funny how you've drilled that into my head Dad.

Everytime I tried to speak to you, you were either too busy, or I was wrong, or it wasn't good enough.

So I shrink away. I don't want to try, I don't want to speak, because I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to be a bad dancer, I don't want to be a shit musician, I don't want to be a shit student. But I end up being bad anyway, and the cycle continues.

Fuck you Dad.

I just want to be perfect.

*

How am I supposed to forgive you?

Sigh.

I forgive you, Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fuck you Dad.

I hate all of you.

*

I don't really, just feels that way right now...
Sigh. How do you expect me to love, God? How do you expect me to love?
Fuck.

Last night's dream was awesome...

Driving around Korea... seeing BOTY bboy battles... getting lost, having to go around backwoods to get to my car, seeing old ex's... talking to them... resturaunt... magical secondary world... running away from bad guys... magical... er... magic quest-type thing... demons taking over... us fighting back...

Uhh hanging out in central park, catching fish...

hrm... what else was there...

Hrm...

Hrm........

I'll try to be more honest.

Try. Is the keyword here... no promises.

I'm still pretty fucked up all around, got lotta issues to deal with.

Got a lot of demons to cast out.

God, I know you're bigger than my problems and my sins, but... I'll be real, I'm a little too prideful to accept that.

It's easy for me to write this here, because I feel like no one reads these, yet I can still get it out in a public place.

Oh well.

Maybe I should stop writing in my normal cryptic tone and just be straightforward.

Anyway. I see myself as a shit person.

I hate the way I am.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

But even there, I hate all of you.

I judge each and every single one of you.

Sorry. I know I need fixing =/ It's just all of these insecurities that have built up over time from a terribad father.

Really at the core of all of this, my insecurities coming out through my judgment on you, on whether or not you're a good enough person for me, is because I'm a five year old kid with daddy issues.

Ionno. It's a process yeh?

God what the hell have you planned for me? How are you changing me? Molding me?

Making me the way you have planned me to be?

Ah. Whatever. There's so much I want to share (But I'll never admit that), there are so many people I want to get to know and deepen friendships with...

But I'm awkward as fcuk. Sorry.
I don't think you want to hear it or deal with me. So I'll either distance myself from you, or just... gawk at you, or even imitate you.

I'm so weird.

We're just at the tip of the iceberg, yeh?
Or maybe I'm just so prideful that I even think I've got the most and worst problems out of everyone else around me...

So let's put it this way... and try to be as... awkwardly, shamefully, "Oh-God-why-did-i-just-share-all-of-this"-ly honest.

I'm pathetic, I'm weak, I'm lonely, alone and insecure I can't do it without help, from people, from God.

I need help.