God... are you gonna school me hard real soon?
Am I going to be paying the consequence for my sins?
I know they're forgiven...

Is it unbelief on my part?

A lack of strength? Willpower?

Or are you bringing this to the surface that you might fix this?

God I'm hoping you school me hard real soon...

My life is better in your hands.
*
Please don't cry. Please. You're doing the best you can, and I am too... Please don't cry.
*
I miss you.

For the first time in years... the voices in my head have stopped.

It's nice.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be free.

Thank you JC.

I think right now... It's like this.

I'm bitter because I feel abandoned.

As much as God has a home for me prepared, I'm still on guard, on edge...

I don't know what it means to be free.

...the FUCK do you want from me?

Deprave.

I should be sleeping now.

Morning prayer. Be up at five.

But I'm staying up trying to find someone to talk to.

And it's not going to be you.

But it's not gonna be you.

I'm in pain, but not hurt.

Come back soon.

Maybe I should just take a nap...

Looking back over the last few months... I feel so different. I've been saying this so often lately. It seems like time just... doesn't even exist. What I just did a few hours ago seems like a distant memory.
Pastor Paul said something about that... that when we get closer to God, we start living "in his time" more and more. It feels like that... I can't place myself anymore.
Meh.

But I have been growing, and God has been working in me... teaching me. Fostering me. As much as I may or may not have liked it... Ha. I have been asking for it. But I never expect it to be painful... or as painful as it was.

But I guess that's love.

Living by myself for this past summer has been an amazing gift that my Mom gave to me. I'm so thankful for that.

Ah. In comparison. I'm still such a little boy. I'm such a bride. Christ puts us to shame. Really. Hahaha. But it's not about how bad we are... It's about how good God is.

Just this morning, well, not just this morning but for a while now, demons have been trying to get me down, over and over again.

So I'm doing something right.

Ah. Even in my sinfulness, my pride, my fears, my mistakes, my doubts... Redeem me.

...even in this terrible post. Redeem me.

Ugh.

I've been itching to write something here.

Soon.

I think you just put me in limbo.

Hahaha.

Mmm. I'll wait.

"You always leave me wondering to who you're talking about. Lol"

You always leave me wondering who you are =[

I wish you would tell me how you feel.

I know that you are feeling something...

But it makes me worried, almost all the time.

Haha. I guess maybe I deserve it for all these times.

But as many times as I've done this. I feel like more and more of a child each time.

I hope God moves something in your heart. Truly.

I hope God brings you to him...

Because there's absolutely nothing I can do, that can do that.

I just wish.//

I'm trying, maybe not my best, whatever that means, to be a good

But even then, there's nothing I can do, that can do that.

I just wish you would open up to me. You say that you trust me. And I believe you, so much.

I just wish I could see a little more.

Ha. Maybe I deserve this.