I know this isn't a twitter...

...but for real, just wanted to put this up...

That everything's gonna be just fine.

And EVEN IF it isn't or it wont be, I'll keep praising you.

***

Oct 12.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't want to turn to anyone anymore.

I don't want to seek help from what I used to in the past,

Part of me just wants to be alone.

Part of me just wants to turn to you God, and only you.

How selfish of me to say that...

***

Do I really want to be alone?
Or am I doing it while looking over my shoulder?
I know you speak to me and care for me through other people...

But I really think I just want to be alone right now.

***

refining process?

Your promises...

...are fullfilled.

All your promises, will never let go of me.

That you said, in 2nd Timothy 4:17: "But the Lord stood at my side and

GAVE ME STRENGTH

so that

THROUGH ME the MESSAGE might be FULLY PROCLAIMED

and ALL the Gentiles might hear it, and I was

DELIVERED from the LION'S MOUTH.

***

That, you God, Father, Friend, Redeemer, have fulfilled the scriptures.

As broken as I am, as, troubled, as hurt, as weak, as a sinner,
you choose to use me, and strengthen me, for your glory.

To YOU ALONE. Will I continue to turn, for I depend on you God, and no one else.

That your grace reaches me, and overflows over the world, and drowns me God.

You, God, choose to keep me safe at night, and provide me with food, shelter, friends, and especially a family.
For you I am eternally indebted, and thankful.

God. You speak to me, through people, through scripture, through the weather.
And you remind me of your SHEER POWER.
And UNFAILING LOVE.

That your love is purest of all.

For it doesn't hurt, or cheat, or lie, bring about insecurity, but it knows what is best, and cares for your people.
That your LOVE is SO PURE that you love for the sake of those people.
That your LOVE for us was SO PURE and SO PERFECT, that you chose to care for us, and die for us.

Continue to USE ME God, I want that privilege, to serve.

I will continue to turn to you, for now and forever.

***

It's interesting. What has happened in the last few days, and weeks.

The life change that is happening to me.
It's weird.
God won't let go of me.
I feel like, I can't go back, not that I shouldn't, but that I am actually incapable of going back to the way I was, because God is just holding me so tightly.

Life is interesting.

It ain't about me, 'cause me isn't gonna matter in a hundred years.

It's about what is and is to come

NA MEAN?

Word.

...as much as I want to write more...

...I think It's time to get some sleep.

Thank you God for a huge bed all to myself... and awesome sheets...

Hook me up with a teddy bear soon. LOL.

...see you tommorrow God.

I didn't have...

...a really good nap =P

It was only for twenty minutes but it felt like an hour or so...
I had a dream. It wasn't very long. And I didn't like it very much.

It's interesting to think about the life that I once led,
And the frustration that comes from wanting that, and what I have now.

But more and more I feel as if my past life is sinking away.
And my new life is taking over, filling me up.

Ah.

Frustrated...

I think I need a teddybear.

What a waste of a post...

***

I know that the verses that have been speaking to me recently have been about,
facing temptation,
and perseverance.

I just feel myself in a battle every day.

And it's tiring.

It'd be easy to not deal with it.
But right now, it's hard to go back to it.
It's hard to go back to my past life,
I don't know what's left for me there.

Or anywhere for that matter.

Once I've seen and felt your Grace, it's hard to want to go back.

And I know you know, but I've kinda been wanting to go back.

***

It's like... I'm in... purgatory? Hahahaha.

***

I'll be delivered.

I remember trying to understand quotes from Fight Club,
and one that always stuck out to me was

"I'll bring us through this. As always, I'll carry you- kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me."

I don't really see myself as kicking and screaming against God carrying me,

But I'm still attached to the past.

I just want to be uprooted.
And placed near new streams of water.

...but it's never that easy, is it?

Na. Everything'll be fine.

***

Yeah. 1 Peter 7-9.

I should be doing work.

Definitely not in the mood to.

I'll find rest in your arms God. No one else.

I was... going to write something.

Probably would have been long-ish.
Possibly depressing.
Most definitely would have had to do with God.
Would have spoken of his glory, grace, mercy, favor, love.
Something along those lines.
A pinch of venting.
Probably a few play on words, or something.
Definitely a few "LOLs" here and there.


And then I decided not to.

***

10:30 --> the Sun came out and the rain clouds blew away.

It's interesting...

...when people point out some things about your own life that you've failed to see.
So.

***

dream xliv (6:16:17 PM): im so like...
dream xliv (6:16:19 PM): melancholy.
dream xliv (6:16:26 PM): i feel like a flatline.
*** (6:16:56 PM): cuz
*** (6:17:06 PM): ur going through a ton of stuff right now
dream xliv (6:17:42 PM): like what?
*** (6:18:08 PM): a breakup, reforming ur relationship with god
*** (6:18:13 PM): those two alone are pretty heavy
*** (6:18:38 PM): and ur doing tons of work with fencing, dancing, praise team, classes,......
dream xliv (6:18:51 PM): oh.
dream xliv (6:18:52 PM): yeah.
*** (6:18:59 PM): lol
dream xliv (6:19:03 PM): HAHAHAHA I kinda forget about that...
dream xliv (6:19:04 PM): >_>
dream xliv (6:19:05 PM): hrm.
dream xliv (6:19:11 PM): that's depressing.
dream xliv (6:19:19 PM): or funny, in a dark way.
*** (6:19:30 PM): thats amazing to me
*** (6:19:36 PM): that youre still standing
dream xliv (6:20:58 PM): why?
dream xliv (6:21:20 PM): =X honest question.
*** (6:21:31 PM): cuz
*** (6:21:37 PM): when i see u or talk to you
*** (6:21:45 PM): you seem to be doing okaY (That irks me for some reason... LOL)
*** (6:21:55 PM): but when i like actually think about everything ur going through
*** (6:22:06 PM): its like wham train hitting you
*** (6:23:54 PM): lol am i just making it worse for you
*** (6:25:27 PM): but the fact that ur withstanding all that and making the best of it is worthy of a round of applause
*** (6:25:28 PM): i think
dream xliv (6:26:00 PM): haa.

***

Haa.
I'm sitting in the library.

Reading a book about... Bluegrass, and death?
I'm enjoying it a lot.

Is that really a lot to be going through? I thought it was kinda normal...

Err... somewhat?

I'd like a hug.
I'd like to cry into someone right now.
I'm pretty tired too.

***

And who cares? I mean, God cares, my friends care, I guess I care.
That's right, I do care.
Less about me, more about other people...
I won't be here for too long. I don't think. It won't seem like that when I look back at my life.
Ha.

***

I'm still here.
Do I want to stand firm like a tree?
Mm. Maybe not a tree... more like...
a shrubbery? (LOL)
or...
something...
something planted near streams. Of living water.
Growing, ever so slowly, yet, yielding.
How Zen.

I've always liked weeping willows.

I'll stop typing now.