GKYM Notes Day 3

So... here are my notes from the last day.
gly.
Grab your bible and gooo. =]

***

Sermon 1 Elder Steve Choi
He didn't really want to speak, because he might've been tempted to boast.
But only here for testimony.
...Reason why we're called to do business?
Well, we're called to testify. He could've been in the bahamas with his family. But he's there testifying. That's sacrifice and Glory.
We should live like Presicilla. We should keep giving money. Stewardship... everything is Gods.
We're here to fullfill his needs (sacrifice).
We could live well... and we're all busy right? (Want to get rich? Work hard.)
Well, what is sacrifice? --> The things I have for a certain reason. Just like Jesus Sacrificed Equality with God to come down here and die for us.
Glory... is like relaying experiences. It's how God is using me and how I realize this.
"I used to have a Bentley" --> lots of people with nice cars will look around after they park to see who's looking at them. --> "I used to pick up MSNs from the airport in my Bentley, but when I noticed the people were looking at me, I realized this isn't it. So I sold it."
Don't boast about yourself and what you have. (Personal Sacrifice)
What do you do when you don't have anything? (And owe a lot...) Run.
"I could've sold my kidney to pay off the debt, but instead I ran."
Article --> "Resilience through One's faith in God"
Why? Why do I go through all of this?
Deut 4:31-32 --> We do this so we would pray, so we cry out to God, so it's glory and not mine.
Sacrifice or Glory?
Give up, so life isn't sacrifice anymore, but Glory for God.
What do I know?
I want to feel God's love all the time, and want to stay there.
Sacrifice yourself, giving up the things you're entitled to. Stop me, start reaching out to others. That's glory.
What do you want to live for?
Drinking dirty water? Sacrifice? Glory?
You may have been there and done that... but HE. HE has been there and done that. He's been everywhere and done everything. That's sacrifice. That's Glory.
What do I know? God has given me anything and everything. He could've used one person for all of his ministries.
Rich? Realize what you have.
"I had to go to korean w/nothing but 1500$, but a church needed a new carpet. So I gave them the money.
What should I do, Lord? What CAN I do?
Sacrifice my life.
Acts 18:2-4

Realize what you have, you have everything.
Let him use you.
If I give up everything, to me that's sacrifice. But.
That's Glory.

Sermon 2 Pastor Joel Kim
History? --> His Story.
Lay down our own vision. But we already have it! To be children of God, Fishers of Men.
Our identity is first. Fishers of men, my identity. Then, it's our calling.
We should also steward financially. Give to God.
The second generation, we give, but it doesn't hurt. We need to give till it stings.
It's not like Jesus was stung on the cross when he sacrificed. IT HURT.
This world... can never be perfectly healed. It is CONSTANTLY BLEEDING because of SIN.
Don't bandage the world, we can't do that. So just prepare the way.
We can't just sit either. If we aren't reaching the unreached... the clock, the time of God coming, doesn't move.

God has given us gifts and power of spirit for mission. To see the unreached be reached.
Passion comes... when your feet touch the Mission Field.
Dare to step into the mission field. Do it.
We need to go and recieve, we... CANNOT JUST TAKE NOTES ( hohoho =] )

Glory + Sacrifice (Romans 1:14-17), We're all OBLIGATED to do the gospel. We owe JC. We are obligated to our faith, to our parents, to the First generation.
Missionaries sacrified in Korea. We're obligated...
We are the "Cho-sun" people. It's responsibility, not egotistical. It's the responsibility that we have to the gospel.
We need to carry this, if we don't, it's meaningless (Black & Gold... Sam Sparro? yaknow?)
The 1G's wanted to pass this to us.
It's not just... 4 days and 3 nights, we are chosen until the return of our Lord and Savior, this is about JC, and his dream, his mission.
"Finally there is a generation that will fullfil my wish."
Stop making excuses.
It's time to Mission.
When we tithe... God says to us... it's okay you can keep 9/10. When we SHOULD be GIVING 9/10. ty god.
Our first identity is Fishers of Men. How can we maximize the catch of fish?

Sermon 3 REV SOO TAE KIM WUT WUT (Hahaha my head pastor at LFC ><) Matthew 9:13 --> Why was he eating with the sinners? "I came for the sick."
Why do we worship? The purpose is to meet God, love and seek and understand his heart.
His heart?
Love for sinners.
We know what God wants. Jesus showed us how to love the sinners. He understood Gods love and plan, and drank from the cup (na mean?).
LOVE GOD?
LOVE SINNERS.
You need this in order to Go.
Romans 8:38-39
Hosea 3:1
Let's realize how much God loves his people.
Luke 15:20
Let's experience God's love for the sinners.
Reverend Yang Won Son. He prayed a LOT. And Understood.
When someone killed his son... he adopted that persons sons.
Old Testament... Sacrifice. We had to sacrifice something to take our sins! The Lamb!

WE KILLED JESUS. With our Sins.
But GOD. HE ADOPTED US even though we KILLED HIS SON.

Understand this.
Understanding this, and meeting God.
Is worship.
We need to meet with the Holy Spirit, and understand his love.
When we are brought to a higher place, we can see much much more.

PN: When we see much much more... we are more responsible. We are responsible for it once we know about it.
We are responsible now that we know about JC and his story.

God's love for us. For Sinners.

Worship.

***

Mmmm.

'nuff said na mean?

//end.day.3.

GKYM Notes Day 2

Oh my. Day 2.
So intense... Started at 6am, ended at 2/3.
Heard over 12 different people speak...
Mmm =]
Here we go.
Gly.

***

Sermon 1
We need to surrender as a missionary, obey the calling by going.
Lots of times many people resisted the call with excuses. Gideon, in the book of Judes did this.
There was a wicked cycle.
Sin --> God's anger --> Enemies --> Suffer then Deliver with a... --> Judge, who saves them.
The Midianites would steal produce every year.
But God sent Gideon, who has fear + doubt.
Many times we're struggling to do this task without the wind of the Holy Spirit.
But we are mighty warriors and only need to spread our wings and let God take us up.
Judges 6:12-13 --> God treats us as we will be in the future.
Judges 6:14-16 --> How can I go? Don't take yourself so seriously, just be used by me.
Judges 6:17 --> "Give me a sign." --> Holy Spirit will give you a sign.
We need to wrestle with God, till we get something.
We're one repentance prayer away from him. And God does it all. He'll be with us.

"Sermon" 2
(Sean, the famous Korean rapper!)
Romans 8:28
Only boast about my God, God made it happen.
Jesus has made ME a bride, the happiest wife in the world. He sacrificed his life for me. We should do this for our future wives.
As a bridge, to live the life of a Christian, we need to make him the most respected person.
God is the answer, love is the answer, we need to reciprocate that love.
Say yes to Jesus, say yes to his proposal, and that's how we can become happy --> SO that we can love others.
Wherever you go, bringing that love, is doing missions.

Sermon 3
Christian identity + ministry
Identity?
2 Classes: Worldly: Ethnicity; Godly/Biblical: we need to focus on this.
Worldly Sorrow = death
Satan tries to make us worry about the world.
Ephesians 4:22-25
Different Caterpillars + different CaterP colors.
The metamorphosis is like old vs. new life.
What about a Yellow CaterP in a White nation? What color am I? Why am I different?
Here, it's not growth, but transformation. Our external appearance is changed, we must be changed externally as we accept Christ. Our behavior, attitude + language.
Butterfly eats differently too! It is a total change, a different diet; we now have holy habits as a butterfly. (Butterfly looks for good honey. Keeps flying until it gets it. --> It's not about ourselves but family + Church and we see the world.
This stage of life is expanded after we transform. We're FLYING now. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about our former color. Like Ephesians, we have become new people. What kind of butterflies have we become? Righteous + Holy, we are NOW WITH THE KING.
1 Peter 2:9, we are set apart as kings, as holy, righteous priests, following Jesus.
King = Apostle, we work as kings to establish his kingdom.
The priest is an intercessor.
Missions, ISNT an OPTION. It's a command. Genesis 1 --> Multiply, God called us to lead + steward the nations/world.
Matthew 28:18-20, listen to J's teaching. We are called to be kingly priests, interceding for unreached people. We need to cry out and reach for them. We are no longer caterP, we shouldn't worry. We need to be holy + spiritual; and have this outlook on life.
Take up the calling God has for us, utilize our lives to establish the kingdom.
Be aware... and then ask... where am I? This will help us confirm our identity.
We should be aware of God's plan and purpose... for 2010, and for whatever else comes.
Matthrew 24, we need to prepare the lamp + oil.
Where'd you grow up? Why has God placed us where we are?
It's all God's Grace, that we are here. We must repay debt, what we doing with the Grace God has shown us?
We need to be careful as we enjoy God's Grace.
Then, God out w/GG. Is there anything we can really GIVE to NK? No. Just shine GG.
What is my dream? What will I do when God manifests?
Fear God, compassionate + Loving heart. Don't be lazy. Follow the Holy Spirit.
What will we be wearing in the last days?
CaterP's are complaining about color, and they're trying to move when they DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT THEY'RE BUTTERFLIES.
Just stretch your wings in RIGHTEOUSNESS and TRUTH, then the wind of the Spirit will move you.

Sermon 4
Remaining Task, Roles + Visions
How are we going to reach the world? What is the remaining task?
Unreached people --> 2-4% of missionaries for 25-28% of UPGs.
Youth, no one's reaching out to them.
51% of people live in cities.
And 70% of people cannot read.
We are insane to think we can keep Mission-ing the old way.
SO. Raise up the youth.
What's it going to take?
Prayer. We need God.
And Xtreme living + Vision (Ezekiel 23:30 [Reading it now.. I think I wrote down the wrong verse...])
Compassion, Information, Partnership, Strategies + Tools, Resources; Make disciples, mobilize partners.
We need to be willing to Carry Jesus.
Can you die for it? Live for it then.
Art --> Show God, ask him for creativity. Reach the world.
Dream Big, glorify God. (I think I started to fall asleep here... notes get messy...)
BUT.
WHERE WERE YOU WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE??

Sermon 5 - Nari Jo testimony.
We're like gloves... for God's hand to fit in.
The holy spirit guides us and leads us.
Short term missions, IS important.

Sermon 6 - Dr. Paul Eshleman
Where can we go for the biggest impact?
Mongolia had 12 Christians to start out with. Now it's grown up to the tens of thousands.
Albania. Atheistic nation. Paul went to teach... 15 out of 18 students accepted JC.
Muslims, are actually open!
We DONT. Need to be SUCCESSFUL. But we DO need to be FAITHFUL.
Somebody needs to go.
We need to reach out...
Personal note: I thought I was compassionate, I am not. Jesus was Compassionate. I have so much more to go.
Remaining task + Explore how we can finish it.
Great Comission --> What to do (Matthrew 28:18-20) (Mark 16:15 --> Wide + Deep) (Luke 24:46 --> Sure-ity) (John 20:21 --> J is the model) (Acts 1:8 --> Extent of missions)
Great Commandment --> How to do it. (Matthew 22:38-39 --> How + With what attitude.)
How do we lead the church? Strategy...
How do I fit into the church?
We need to repent, new vision, new faith.
We decide, and God solves the problem.
PN: I want my own dream, I'm scared God. I'm scared.

Sermon 7 - ChanHoAhn (again) hahaha. He was the o + god = good guy.
Have we been warming up too much? This guy was running around getting ready for soccer, and as soon as they started, he collapsed.
1/12 of the Disciples failed.
All of this, here is preparation. What kind of potential do we have?
He's a missionary for the Masai.
Just tell God everything first. And not just bad things, but EVERYTHING.
Bring it ALL TO GOD.
It's not about teaching... it's about showing.
How "Christian" are you in 24 hours?
He was on a plane... and wanted food... and so he practiced saying "May I please have Lunch?" in english. The lady finally came by, and he said... "MAY I PLEASE HAVE LUNCH?" She said... "What?" So he changed his tone and said... "May I please have lunch?" (Just imagine heavy korean accents...) She said WHAT? and walked away... So he got angry... and was sitting there... and then he shouted GOD! in the middle of the airplane. The guy next to him spilled his food...
So then God kind of spoke to him...
The lady came back. He looked up, smiled, and pointed at the guy's food next to him.
So she gave him lunch.
MIRACLE! I just did what God told me to do and I got food!!
When you obey... you'll recieve so much more.
1) Be... Ignorant (hahaha)
2) Tell God everything through prayer.
3) Go, EVERYWHERE.
4) Don't lose your smile.
So he got to the Masai tribe...
"a;lfasd;ja"
"YES!"
"adfafa;lga?" [Angry]
(Uh oh... what did I say?) "NO!"
"asd;lgajg;lajg"
"OKAY"
So they tied him up... and he said
"LET ME GO!"
The chief spat at him. So he spat back.
They danced.
Savior, Jesus is our Savior... But we can call him Dad now (?)
...Translation...
"We'll kill you!"
"YES!"
"Really? Did you hear us wrong?"
"NO"
"So you'll live with us until you die?"
"OKAY!"

Hahahaha ><
It was God's soverignity, in all his power.
So GO! In Jesus name.
Stand before God. Go with confidence before God.
As long as you're righteous in God's sight, it's all good.
Yes, No, Okay saved my life. Don't be bound by the instruction on how to do things. Don't say, "I'll go when I'm ready." God's work is not given to those who are ready, but God gives to those who will be prepared by God.
We are his precious Children.
God won't give us a rock if we ask for bread.
He doesn't pull, he helps from behind.
So trust in him and walk forward.
"Why are you afraid? Stop just sitting there and looking at listening to me, take heart and give you life."

Workshop 3 (I didn't go to my second one... --;; It was in Korean and I couldn't understand...)
The role of the multi-ethnic church in Missions.
Crossing barriers... we are going there and coming here.
"Because we are Korean, we have to go to a Korean church." --> Why can't we reach out? Buld a multi-ethnic or a non-Korean Ethnic church?
We can still mission in a home setting.
White churches are closing, because they only want white people, and as the neighborhood shifts... there's no one to go there?
Haitians, converge in NYC. People in cities are used to crossing barriers.
And the church needs to rep the community that we're in.
We need to cross this barriers, because Jesus said so.
Well, why are we separated in Church?
There is a culture gap. Limited by barriers that we want to be in.
We... can be more effective in Missions. The differences become our strength.
John 17:20-23
We need to show the world a multiethnic church, because once we're all in heaven, we're gonna be Worshiping God together.
When the church first started... it was Homogenous, but then God scattered them through suffering. The youth... here, is key.
1G built us up, now the 2G need to unite everyone, because we're the ones who are used to crossing barriers. And once we do that, we can bring the 1G's as well.
Woot.

Sermon 8
The Persecuted Church (Pastor spoke only Russian... it was cool I understood some of it =D)
ISaiah 46:11 --> We are Korean... Eagles from the east.
God's Glory --> On his word. 1 King 19:1-9
3 Things that are significant...
Let God tell you something...
God has a wonderful plan for you. Jeremiah 29:11. But something stops us from seeing that... We're too smart. Don't say aigoo. Just say okay. Jotsumnida.
Change your mind.
We have to prepare the way for God.
John 8
Jezebel wants to kill Elijah. So we run. Fear makes us run, we want to run somewhere... we want to be hidden. Elijah decided to hide. But when we run we need to run to God.
God was watching from the top of a mountain, and he was watching and he was happy because Elijah was coming to him. God says, "Elijah, Good." But Elijah hid, and God said "Aigoo."
No mission? Elijah hid in the cave. God went to Elijah... "What are you doing here?"
God wants us to be with him on the mountain. Psalm 91:1, under his shadow.
We need to go to the Mission, 'cause he's waiting for us there.
God always test us... observes our lives and decisions.
Faith is dead without action.
When a church was persecuted by the government as spies, they just prayed. They fasted for 40 days and nights. And they made it through.
Only God can help us. There is a unity through God's word.
We need to see + pay, Jesus was the sacrifice for us. Love is sacrifice. Faith in JC is sacrifice.
Let's be thankful to God.
Mission of last time... Matthrew 24:14
Preach the Gospel, not to save, but to just preach to the nations.
The whole world might not be saved. 1 Cor 9:26.
Jesus was the first missionary. He came from heaven to earth.
Elijah has a great destination... God: "Go to Syria!" but Elijah didn't go.
Where is the end of the earth?
Israel. Jerusalem.
This time, here, is the last time, and Jesus will come. Elijah didn't realize his destiny. So he lost his chance, don't lose your chance. Do your job! preach! preach!

Sermon 9 --> KJ Choi Golfer
Act upon our words.
Passion will stay through training and effort.
Psalm 1:3, humble ourselves and pray.
Joshua 1:9, don't be afraid for God is with us.
We need to practice hard!
Godly training!
If you have thought about it, do it right away. Don't delay.
Pray --> Words + Actions --> God does.
Do it or don't, but don't do anything in between.
Don't fake praying.
We succed in God.
Live a life of prayer.
John 15:17
1. God is important... we need to have a weed like attitude, never die! constantly grow!
2. 1 Stair at a time, Good or Bad, we shouldn't slip.
3. Empty out my selfish heart + fill it with prayer in humility.
4. We need to have confidence, support and faith that comes from God.

Sermon 10
Psalm 109:17 --> True value in life is to be USED BY GOD.
Zecheriah 9:9, Luke 19:30-31, Matthew 24:14
He does not use everyone. But... we need to be stewards. In Luke, the donkey...
We are God's, and all we have is his.
Are we ready?
People knew he was coming. So they would raise donkeys along the road.
Everyday the prepared for it.
Jesus took the colt, knowing that someone had prepared it.
So.
For maybe like... 450 years, there was 1 family.
Where, every single day, they were ready for Jesus to come and take the donkey.
We need to prepare for the final coming, as we are his bride.
So look, we have already been called as fishers of men.
Abel --> Grace story. Genesis 3:21. God made clothes for Adam + Eve even though they had sinned. Abel heard this story from his mom, and raised sheep! See the thing is... not until after Noah did they eat meat. So Abel only raised skeep for their skins so they could wear those garments. Gen 1:29, Gen 9:3.
So he worshipped in making and wearing this.
Cain said, "That's dumb, I'm making the food for the family, we can't eat that", but despite this, Abel raised the flock.
Gen 4:15-17. Cain's wife... where did she come from? Other brothers + sisters... So Abel must have made clothes for them as well!
We don't need this skin anymore because of Jesus. We share this Jesus + people will come. It's not knowledge or philosophy but wisdom from God that solves EVERYTHING.
So, the Gospel allows us to live no matter how hard. So there is no sacrifice too heard to handle. God is strong, when we are weak.

Sermon 11 Pastor James Pak Testimony
Kazak mission --> Selfless life + Faith. God shows us his love for them when we go there.
PN: I want this compassion, this Christ like compassion.
James didn't really want to be there, feeling kind of down, but this girl wanted to play with him. So he turned her around and started to braid her hair. He found out her dad was always drunk, her mom was always working, and her siblings were doing drugs and having sex with each other...
Her hair, was so dirty... so oily... that there were white flakes and it was crusty.
So he washed her hair, and braided all of it. He told her not to take it out till the next morning. You know, just cause.
And the next morning as he was getting ready for service (Move type-scene here hahaha), the door burst open, and a light was shining, and the girl was there, with beautiful wavy hair, and she was smiling and so happy. And she ran to him and hugged him.
Mission is service.
If you can braid hair. You're a missionary.
If you can play soccer. You're a missionary.

I'm a missionary =]
Serve.
Love.

Sermon 12 Chaney Kim Testimony
2 Cor 4:18 --> HARDCORE complete surrender.
Matthew 28:18 --> Have faith, it's not our plan, or our life. It's what God has planned for us. Anything we can do is a means, always. Obey + Go.
Acts 5:41 --> Chaney got sick, but we need to commit to suffering as well, because god's kingdom can be advanced with this.
God loves you, and has a wonderful plan for you.

***

This day was crazy intense. It was like 6am to 2am.

I did feel very =[ that night. But after re-typing my notes and re-reading through them... I am feeling much more encouraged.

Life is so interesting when you let God in... and stop blocking him out.

Ah. gly.

//end.day.2.

GKYM Notes Day 1

Hey, so... these are my notes from the first full day of the GKYM conference/festival.
Being... half-asian and not entirely awesome at Korean... I may have missed some things here and there... (not to mention I was very very tired...)
These are the notes that I got down...
Chea.
Public for anyone... but my notes... and my own ideas in response...
I hope that, in sharing these... God's message and will may be done, and that, whoever does read this, may somehow be blessed.
Take yo bible out nd read. =]
gly.

***

Sermon 1
(I didn't get much... it was in Korean and the translation came at a slow-ish pace >< hahaha oh my...)
Diaspora --> Koreans, we were conqured that we would be spread. Korea was a closed nation until we were invaded. If we weren't invaded, we would have never be spread across the world, to where we are now.
Psalm 126.
1st Peter.
God is permissive, and has a perfect plan. If he didn't let Japan invade, we wouldn't be in these positions to preach the gospel.

Sermon 2
1 Cor 15:10
Luke 9:23-25
How, as Korean Americans, are we involved in missions? Why are we here exactly?
Like in the movie, the terminal, we are somewhere in between, neither Korean nor American.

1. Who are you?
We are third culture kids/Missionary Kids (not same, but similar). We are Global Nomads, moving around from country to country. There is always a mix of cultures.
These mix of cultures can be Kor + Am = KoreanAmerican, and then we can add anything else... but it tends to be another Asian culture, thus creating a common "Third culture"
Being TCK we can even get "reverse-culture shock" when we go back to our respective countries.
Paul.
He was a Jew, but also had Roman citizenship.
BUT. Our primary identity is in God --> 1 Cor 15:10
Our secondary identity, is for use in our primary identity.
Our Spiritual identity (Romans 7:15) is in conflict because we are living with the past identity of a sinner and the new identity of a saint. There is a conflict here of cultures.
However, just like we, as TCK's have a common third culture.
So fight! God is in us. This is our common Spiritual Third Culture.

2. Love Your People
Paul, loves Jesus (Yay!), loves his people even though he has been called to mission.
Grace is power + love. We serve out of/in response to this grace.
Romans 9:3 --> Paul wanted to die for his race. He truly loved them.
In order to love ANYONE, we need to be like Jesus.
Deny ourselves, and carry the Cross. Luke 9:23.
We can get stuck in unhappy cycles, but for a happy cycle, we need to repent, carry the cross, and love.
"Everything means nothing if I ain't got you."
"Lord" --> Glory (God's Grace, infusion of this into us, then love) --> We can then find happiness in heaven.

3. Love others
Paul loves his G's (?), he diversely loves. Romans 12:4-5.
Why grow? Why do we need many people?
We need to grow deep and wide cause of Christ and for the Glory of God so more and more people can come to see and know Christ.
There was an Emperor who asked the best artist in the land to draw him a Bird.
Three years went by, and no picture arrived. So the emperor went to the artist and asked him where his picture was.
The artist then drew the picture in 10 minutes.
He then showed the emperor all of his practice pictures.
We need to be able to draw Jesus, and paint him to show other people.

4. Missions
Pauls God is a great missionary God.
John 13:34-35, 1 John 3:16
Here, we need to have our Faith Locally,
There, we need to serve Globally.
We need that fire in our hearts.

Sermon 3
What is Mission? Acts 2:8
It's throwing away what we know. Like breaking the perfume Jar like the woman.
It sounds hard, but it is very easy. And even though it is easy, not everyone can do it.
Missionary vs. Mission Worker
What is the Holy Spirit? --> Well, if you don't have it, you boast and speak more than acting. (So act.)
Are miracles just good things happening? --> In God's work, bad things can happen too.
God is waiting for us, but Satan is holding us back.
Blessings? Deuteronomy 21:28
Don't ain to be the best, it's unstable up there. God seeks to make us Good.
We have nothing without God, we need to humble ourselves.
The Disciples were a bunch of misfits...

Good - God = 0, zero, nothing.
O + God = Good! and, "Oh God!" --> we can now be a missionary.
We must be thankful.
We need to scatter the seeds and be adaptable. Let the seeds grow, leave it alone till the harvest, make sure it is growing well.
Let us be like the staff of Moses, it is a staff of nothing. But it holds so much power.

Workshop 1
4 Points of the New (2nd Generation) Direction of the Church.
Our Secondary Identity for the Pimary Identity --> We need to get involved in the church and really BELONG. This church... should care if you die. And should discipline you as well, and be involved.

1. Strategic --> The Biblical Church, Matthrew 28:19-20
19 --> Baptize them, make them Christian, involve them in the local church.
20 --> As they are plugged in, teach and mentor them, help them become like JC, and then they will, in turn, Mission.
19 --> Evangelism, Planting, Justification, Birth
20 --> Discipleship, teaching, sanctification, glorification, growth.

2. Past 1st Generation Koreans (Super Immigrants)
We need to be thankful, they worked so hard and sacrificed so much for us. They solidified what's important.

3. Present Trends and Models --> The Youth doesn't stay at church, look at EM's. There is an inevitable separation here.
The church is becoming a Pan-Asian Church. There is Comraderie amongst TCKs.
We need to appreciate the differences within the multi-ethnic church.
In an Anglo/Mega Church, are we attending or belonging?
We need to become strategically involved. Where do I go? What church to I belong to? We need to have a ministry fire. Ephesians 5:6

4. Future
Which ministry?
The Gap between Generations is getting smaller. Here, we need to be involved, there we need to explore the world. We need to pray for the un-knowers.
College years are so important that we get a church-centered life.

Sermon 4
What the Gospel REALLY is.
It's lifestyle change.
Matthew 24:14, 2 Timothy 3
We do easy-believeing, but this is WRONG.
Where is the power? Timothy says to PREACH THE WORD!!!
"Come follow me" This is very hard.
Luke Ch. 9:23, we need to deny ourselves.
Take up our crosses, this is hard, because the crucifixtion was for capital punishment. Killed, publically, seen by all.
We need to die every single day.
It's not like, adding Jesus to our sinful lives, but trading ours for his.
We leave ours behind and take his.
We haven't had that conversion experience, so we deny God's power.
Let's kill ourselves on a daily basis.
1 Cor 2, Religion vs. Christianity

***

This is the part where I decided, to re-give my life to God.
I had some doubts in my heart as, so I went up just to be sure.

It was a very intense day...

I think the main thing I got out of it was... humbling ourselves.
We serve a greater purpose...

Live daily with a missional thinking...

Hrm.

//end.day.1.

Last night...

...I saw your new boyfriend.
You looked happy.
You... permed? your hair? Didn't think you would do that.
He's blond. Hahaha I didn't think you'd like that either.
You looked happy though.
You were smiling and laughing. You held his hand as you both walked up the stairs.

Good for you.

We made eye contact, I kept on walking and put my headphones in as someone shouted my name.
***
Last night dream...
1. Drove into NYC to see a play...
2. Ended up near a new building/in the ruins of an old one... Picked up some friends.
2.1 Was supposed to go home and watch a movie with a family friend.
2.2 Escaped a bulldozer, even though he was just messin with us.
2.3 Getting out of the... "ruins" led to the streets.
3. Saw... that.
4. Kept on walking uptown, made it to the bridge.
4.1 Met a viking? He was driving around. I was gonna hitch a ride but he was going the other way.
5. Biked across the bridge. Saw a best friend. You got jacked man... I didn't know you could run across the bridge and back now...
5.1 Some people were headed to church... You should stop eating McDonalds man... It's not good for you.
6. Made it home.
6.1 Dad was there.
7. Woke up.
***
Good morning God. I want to be pleasing in your eyes today.
I can't fix these things on my own...
It hurts a lot...
I need you.
I love you.

I got a...

...Christmas card from a family friend.
It was homemade and very cute =]
The most interesting part was... an orange piece of paper cut into the shape of a hedgehog...
On it... it said...
"Kind, Caring, Humorous, Understanding, Calm... Basically the best damn asian."
***

Is that really me?

When I read that all I could think about were all the bad things I've done and the hurt I've caused.

I feel like a crooked man.

***
Merry Christmas...
Happy Birthday Jesus...
How great you are... I need you so much...
We all need you so much...
Your love is amazing, neverending.
Your grace is overflowing, all-consuming.
I am a crooked man...
And you, you are perfect.
All praise and glory to your name.
***
Night y'all.

I can't...

...really sleep right now.
There are a few things running through my head.
A bunch of people are on my mind.
a)A Missionary
b)Two Sisters
c)A Brother
d)A Girl
e)A Mother and her two kids
***
So there's a new art portal on newgrounds.
And they have thumbnails on the frontpage.
And there's this picture that someone drew, and I've only seen the thumbnail.
But I feel like it's taunting me >=[
There's a girl, seems to be lying on a bed... (Clothes on mind you.)
But... the expression and the position seems so... happy. So... relaxed, and comfortable.
I don't want to see the whole image, and yet I do...
I'm choosing not to...
But it seems so... Happy.
The situation, or at least the one I've made in my mind about this...
Seems so... loving. Not a really twisted love... or lust or sex...
But almost like... "Good morning... I'm still here. I'm happy to see you. Let's spend the day together"
a;sdlgkjadg;lajgd;aj
I don't really know... I'm just ranting at this point.
But... that... feeling that I get when thinking about that... is nice.
Hrm...
I definitely would like that... no lying there...
***
Where are you taking me God? =]
It'd be cool to know... but then there would be no fun... no growth in it.
***
I took a nap today...
The thoughts that ran through my head... drove me a little crazy ><
When I woke up... it felt like I had been fighting...
Hrm...
***
I wanna hold fast to you God.
I want to be obedient and pleasing.
Stick to my Guns... stick to You.
I need j00 God.
I wouldn't be alive without you.
***
Is this path that I have chosen a lonely one?
Regardless... I know there is a reason for me feeling this way.
***
Totally feel that holy spirit workin in me...
It's gonna happen.

Even though...

...I say I'm gonna switch to Tumblr... I'm probably not.
There's something much more intimate about... this.
Hohoho...
***
It's probably just the music I've been listening to...
But I've been feeling so mellowed out for the last few days.
The only person I'm really close to who I'm around right now, is my Mom.
I have like... two friends down here =P
And most of my day is either at my mom's shop or on the computer back at the apt ><
And I'm not gonna lie...

...I kinda like it.
***
It feels like... I'm somewhere... further away.
Hahaha... In some sort of distant world...
And it's not like I'm out of touch with people...
But I definitely feel... alone.
Not lonely... but alone.
And it feels... interesting.
It feels okay.
I wanna see what God does with this =P
***
Today...
2 Kings 17:38-39.
I wanna stay on track.
Focused.
It's hard... I'm so human yaknow?
I need more of God. 24/7.
***
I've been talking to someone every night since I got here...
It's been... nice. Without a doubt.
But I'm scared >< HAHAHAHA damn...
Who would've thought...
***
Blink-182; Stockholm Syndrome, All of This, Stay Together for the Kids
Flyleaf; Treasure, Who Am I
Citizen Cope; Sideways (feat. Carlos Santana)
The Cinematic Orchestra; To Build a Home
David Crowder Band; *How He Loves* (Chea.)
***
I've also been thinking about... my relationships in the past.
And it just seems like, there is going to be a bit of my heart that's always gonna stay with them...

Well.
Maybe.

But right now it just seems like, even though I may not "feel" for them anymore, they're always gonna be those people that I let in... yaknow?
***
Ho ho ho... I definitely want God to take the wheel and drive...
Take OVA my life...

Hahaha...

....I wonder if I'll be really lame and switch over to tumblr ><

Real quick...

...dreams I've been having...

1--> Dad, being girr... I'm getting frustrated... Hitting a tree with a kumdo sword...
2--> It's like... street fighter? Or some sort of fighting game? and it's being re-lived?
3--> People are asking me to speak to them in french/take french with them...
4--> Forgot to take my Russian final, end up spending time with friends...
5--> Hrm... Don't remember...

Hrm...

...been thinking...
***
2 Corinthians 6:10 (NLT)
¹⁰ Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.
***
our hearts... they ACHE.
but we ALWAYS.
ALWAYS.
have.
Joy.

We may be... POOR.
but yet, we are the RICHEST.
We have... NOTHING.
But we have EVERYTHING.

God you are worth EVERYTHING.
***
I think the first part speaks to me a lot...
Lots of people have commented on my heart recently...
Some things like Big, or... Delicate came up.
I think I am... a fairly good person.
I try to be nice, and caring.
And I think I am fairly nice and caring...
To say that I don't need work, would be wrong.
I'd like to be able to love people more...
***
To say that I judge a little would be an understatement...
***
The closer and closer I get to God, the more and more depraved, wretched, sick, wicked I see myself.
And that's fine.
God has blessed me with these problems... so that I would turn to him.
To be fixed.
So that his glory might fill in the cracks.
***
My heart does ache.
I know that God will mold it... fix it up.
Make it nice.
Without a doubt, I have been growing this semester.
Without a doubt, God has been teaching me this semester.
Raising me, caring for me, loving for me.
***
Today I read about Solomon.
How he was so wise and people saw YOU GOD,
They saw you through his wisdom.
And his heart was led astray by women (Hohoho...)
***
God keep my eyes focused. Straight. On you.
***
But I think here...
Is that my heart has been aching.
It hurts a lot.
And I cannot say that I've been the best person to care for another's heart...
And I realize this God, and I am sorry...
My heart hurts a lot too.
It Aches. So much.
But recently,
Fighting it has gotten better.
I know that... I am unlike most.
I know that... I am different, and that I stand out, whether I do it to myself, or others do it...
But... there is an underlying Joy.
There is a joy there.
As much as my heart aches.
As much as I wish to be a part of something.
As much as I want to be back into a relationship,
As much as I want to be a part of a community,
I think I'm becoming more and more okay, with not being a part of all of this.
I think I'm becoming more and more okay, with me just being me.
And God, that's all you.
I want to build my house with you as the foundation.
I want to stick to my guns.
And God I want to love everyone, from this freedom that you have given me God.
And I'll trust in you God.
I will trust in you.
***
Ah. Good morning God, How can I be pleasing in your eyes today?

Last Night...

...I was listening to you God.

I had been speaking so much I couldn't hear you...

And in that moment where I breathed in, you spoke.

You held my heart in your hands and you said to me,

"This is mine...

THIS... is mine...

...It needs a little work,

It seems broken here and there, and some parts are twisted,

but nothing that I can't fix...

...and once it's fixed, it will be beautiful.

You are mine. You are my son. And I love you."

I want to...

...stick to my guns.

So God here I am.
I can't do anything without you.
You are my strength, my rock, my redeemer.
You Love me, you run after me.
And I am weak. Lame. I can't do anything... Everything I can do... will fall short of your glory God.
And so I need you God.
The things I've invested in... were worth nothing, they are still nothing.
You God... are forever. Endless. Caring. Loving. Perfect.
God you are perfect.
And you made me God... blessed me with who I am, what I have...
You even blessed me with imperfection, that your glory would be seen...
And God... I felt far from you... Even though you were working so hard...
And I hate it. I hate that I'm on my knees because of a small stick thrown into a chain.
I hate that I'm not more and more desperate for you.
I hate myself God. I love what you've done. But I am dirty. I am broken. I am twisted God.
And I need you God. I need your love. I need your refining fire.
And I feel myself getting bitter towards the things around me.
And I don't like that. I don't like it at all.
And I feel myself disliking the people that I love.
When you loved everyone... God I need you.
I am sick. I am twisted. I am messed up God.
I am in pain God.
But how can I complain.
How can I complain, when you bled to death, suffocated to death, were beaten to death?
How can I complain.
When you Died for me.
How can I complain,
When you breathed life into me, and gave me all that I have.
And Bless me time and time again.
I am sick. I am twisted.
And I feel like a child.
And I thought I was growing up, but the minute I stepped out the door, I felt like a child again.
God I need you.
God you are too good.
God I need you.
God where am I to go?
And I hear all these different messages, everyone's telling me different things...

Fuck Off.

And I don't want to say that. I don't want to curse. I want praise for your name to flow from my lips, God.
But this stuff is bugging me...
I am a failure.
When I can't even turn to you God.

GOD YOU ARE GOOD.

GOD YOU ARE PERFECT.

I can't even hold a candle to you...
I feel so sick on the inside God...
So sick...

GOD I NEED YOU.

GOD I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU.

You are my home.
You are my shelter God...
Test grades don't make me who I am, you do God.
My growth, my growth in you, my growth as a person is much more important.
God, who am I to even call you my gun... You are my father God.
I want to stick to you God...
I believe in you...
I want to stick to my guns...
God I love you.
God you love me...
Even though I am nothing...
Even though I can't do anything God.
And it hurts God... 'cause I feel like you're all I have... and you're all I need God...
But it hurts so much... But rip it out God... rip it out...
God I am different... I am unique you made me this way...
Take me... I belong nowhere. To no one... but to you God.
God I love you.
And I'm in pain. I am so sick. So WRETCHED.
I don't deserve any of this God...
God I need you.
God I love you.
God...

Maybe I'm...

...cursed.

Hahaha like...

In the context of girls.

I'm constantly looking for my comfort/home in them...

And girls somewhat like me, or just like me enough to go out with me...

And then I just ruin relationships...

Hurt them...

And I'm not trying to be malicious... but I am apparently very insecure-making...

Gir.

It hurts to see and talk to some of you.

So I'm stick here... wanting this, wanting it...

but realizing I'm not suited for it...

That I don't think I should.

And it's ripping me in two...

Gir.

***

I think It really just stems from a messed up definition of home/comfort...

i feel like...

…I’m becoming slightly more and more okay with the thought of me being lonely.

And not in a bad way… but just in the way that I’m probably better off alone =P

At least for now…?

I’m sure God’s got a great girl in store for me… but I also think that the way God made me… I’m meant to be a little different, stand out a little…

Be a little… alone…

Plan for errything. God is faithful to me…

I cannot complain.

Gen 1:31

stick to your guns. build your own house. =D

***

That being said... totally feeling the holy spirit na mean? =P

Mmm... God be with me as I take my exams... I can't study without you.

I'm not smart without you.

***

Gir >=]

Ah.

Stick to your Guns.
***
I think it's... always interesting, looking back especially at hard times how...
God never lets go of me, that even though I may be kicking and screaming...
God pulls me through.
And I always learn something.
I really hope I don't forget this...
***
Stick to your Guns.
Make your own Home.
***
God loves us so much that he gave us free will to what we want, even if it makes him sad.
We have choices to make. We can choose self-control. We can choose to submit.
There is such limitless potential that God has given to us...
I choose God.
He wont let go of me, and I don't want to let go of him.
***
When I build my house...
I will make God the foundation, the pillars upon which my home rests.
I will make my own home. =]
***
God, you will be the gun that I stick to.
As hard as it may be, I will do my best to fight. To keep living God.
And I can't do it without you God.
God, you will be the gun that I stick to.

Oh God...

...help me fight off the voices... I swear...

Remind me that it's worth it.

***

"You should do it. You'd be better off dead.

...Everyone else would be better off if you were dead...

Just do it..."

"My body is a temple for the holy spirit to live in..."

"Just do it..."

"There'd be a huge mess..."

"You don't have to care once you're dead... Just do it..."

"What about everyone that cares about me... How selfish of me to think this..."

"Just shut up and do it... Nobody cares..."

"But they do, some people do..."

"Is that enough to outweigh how you feel? Is it? Just do it... You know you want to, otherwise I wouldn't be saying this to you... It's not even like you feel at home here. You feel at home nowhere. You would be better off dead. Just kill yourself."

I feel like...

...everything I've done.

Every hurt that I've inflicted.

Every broken heart.

Every hookup.

Every drink.

Every sin.

Every energetic awkward encounter.

Every.

Has been in search of a home.

***

I feel terribly pathetic.

Terribly dumb.

Terribly lost.

***

I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark.

Sorry but...

...right now I'm feeling alone God.
Not like... lonely.
But like I'm the only one... that no one gets me.
That no one cares.
That I'm all on my own.
***
But then I feel your presence, God and I know you are here.
But it hurts so much God.
Ah. I can't complain, you've given me so much... but it hurts.
That's all... it hurts.
***
And I just feel like I reach out in awkwardness...
Blindly fumbling around desperately trying to reach out for something to hold onto.
And all I can do is trip over my own words.
It hurts.
***
But you are here.
I am human... I'll try, I swear I'll try to understand you, what you did, that I can't complain that it's all for a plan.
I know you died on the cross for me, suffered all my sin and shame, everyone hated you and rejected you. How wonderful this world that we can suffer majesty and cruelty...
Growth God, growth.
But, it hurts.
That's all...
It hurts...
***
And I think all I'm really trying to find is a home.
Mom's in SC, Dad's in Jersey.
I'm up here in Boston.
And all I'm trying to do is find a home.
I swear... I'm just trying to fit in...
I'm just trying to see if I can fit in someone's arms.
Damn... God...
I'm just trying to find where my home is...
And I know it's in you and I know it should be in you...
But Damn God... it hurts!
And I don't wanna think about you, or what your son did for me.
I wanna forget it all and just go back to the way things were.
But I can't.
That's not my home either anymore.
God... I'm just trying to find my home.
***
Sigh...
This desperation can be a yell, a scream...
Or it can just be a whisper...
***
Where is my home...
Where is it?
***
I am so dumb... to have acted the way I did...
But I'm just looking for a home...
I swear... that's all...
And I'm sorry for what I've done... for the way I've acted...
The way I've hurt so many people...
I swear I didn't mean to... I'm just looking for a place to be God...
That's all I'm looking for...
Please...
I just wanna go home...
I just want a home...
God...
Please...

Seeing as...

...I just got a tumblr... I have no idea where to post things... Tumblr seems kinda public hohoho....
***
Anyway.
Last few days have been busy...
But God does a really good job of just... being awesome...
***
I know that on Friday I had so much to do... study, help set up for a meet, take my Russian Oral Exam, then run into Boston for Encounter.
And, you know what? The day went so well. And That's all God.
How can I take credit for something that I didn't do?
***
Praise is given to where praise is due =]
***
But I still feel... not at home. And I wonder what God is planning with that.
It kinda stings.
Kinda hurts.
But God is faithful, and I know that he's got something in store.
Refining Fire.
***
Mmmm. So we had a fencing meet yesterday.
It's kind of funny to see that I made it to David and Goliath in my QT.
***

1 Samuel 17:46 (New International Version)

⁴⁶ This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.

Hohoho...
FOO.
You cannot fight GOLIATH without GOD.
God proved his glory =]
***
It was 13-13 against Brown, and I was completely unaware of this,
And God, I cannot fence without you.
I cannot do anything without you.
For you give me strength.
And God let me win.
God gave me that bout =]
I hope... that... people saw that there is a God.
That he reigns in me...
That I love him,
That I depend on him.
***
How can I take credit for something I didn't do?
All praise to where praise is due.
***
Mmmm. And although we didn't do to well against other schools, God proved himself.
God wins. Always.
***
God... gave me an awesome day, being able to see an old friend.
It made me so happy.
So happy. =]
Made me realize some more things about... what I like and what I don't like...
Hohoho...
I always wonder what you're planning God...
Aigoo.
***
My feelings are always going a hundred miles an hour into any direction...
***
Love you God.

This will be...

...a short one =]
***
It's interesting how life is right now...
It feels fine. Not all the time... but I've been so content...
So busy... but more or less... happy =]
Joyful more than that. 'Cause I have been sad and worried and hurt at times.
But I see God's glory unfolding more and more each day.
Just how much he's taking care of me... as busy as things get,
However I feel, I feel like God, is with me. Chillin with me...
And not all the time, but I want to be more in tune with the spirit. 24/7.
***
I'm realizing more and more about myself, and just how well God is making me,
And has made me.
I realize now that... how can I take credit for something I didn't do?
God made me to be the way I am =]
...So.
As... nice/cool/happy/sad/depressed/friendly/joyful whatever I may be...
(I think I'm joyful, caring, loyal, honest... and awkward and a little odd...)
I can't take credit for that. =]
So when people say positive things about me,
I'm thinking, that's the way God made me.
I can't take credit for something I didn't make.
God gets the credit =P
***
In other news... Life goes on.
But God is good =]
Oh and Soilwork is a good band.
It's funny how when I put things on shuffle, even though I have more hxc/secular/punk/whatever songs on my iPod than Christian or praise, God just seems to let his praise songs keep coming =]
How cool.
***
Mmmm.

Images...

#1 --> Big Heart... Sleeping... God Dancing over me... even when I'm not awake... A train to Vegas... "Amazing..."
#2 --> Scuba Gear... diving into water... A vast dark sky... littered with stars...
#3 --> 1st Timothy 4:12-14
#4 --> Father... Mother... Heaviness... Lightness...
#5 --> Sailor... I'm on a ship... God is on board... There are people... but I'm not necessarily connected... The ship is heading the right way... I am an officer... but I just signed on recently...
***
Interesting...
***
God... I want to grow in intimacy... and just chill with you...
So I will =]
You're already here... with me... in me...
We need your presence all the time... but you already here with me...
I just need to chill with you =]
***
Ty God, for tonight. For Today. For Your Love. For Your Grace...
***
#1 --> Big heart... want to give it... resting in God... peace...
#2 --> Swimming in his love... his grace... clarity... something bigger... awesome... fear of God...
#3 --> Remember.... focus... It's okay... God is with me... like a light...
#4 --> Lift it up to God...
#5 --> I'm on the right track... I'm headed in the right direction... Sailing with God... Family... create bonds... relationships... Anchor?
***
Oh happiness....

Thinking about...

...cutting things out... reaching out as well.
Lots of relationship-type things.
I had a great thanksgiving =]
Ended up talking to my mom about marriage + relationships, and where I am, and how awesome God is...
Good lunch... the tea at PF Chang's isn't that bad at all... hahaha
***
It was just so clear... all the things God has given me, and still is giving me, and is just blessing me with...
***
When you first get into a relationship... there's the passion, the puppy love...
And once you get past that stage... you begin to learn, and really see, (Or should be learning...) who the other person is...
And as you begin to learn... you move into the... responsibility that comes with being in a relationship...
***
I also realized some things about myself, and the relationships I have with other people... or have had with other people...
I'm generally myself, with anybody... but there are people who I tend to watch what I say with, and there are people who I feel... guarded towards.
The people who I don't feel guarded towards, the people who I can just... speak freely with, without my guard up, are the closest friends I have... are the people who I love spending time with... and... is something I want to have when it comes to... whenever the next time I get into a relationship is...
***
I felt very guarded with some people in the past... I was open, very honest... but oh so guarded...
***
I don't want that...
***
There needs to be a complete trust and open-ness, to each other...
All the physical stuff, is a by-product of love, not a pre-cursor to it...
***
Oh so broken... but oh so joyous... God just makes his perfection know through our imperfections... our weaknesses are blessings...
***
I'm trying to lift up things more and more to God, depending on him, realizing I cannot do things without him...
***
So today... I'm feeling... Blah. It may be because I'm tired... or maybe it's the weather... but I do feel.... bleeehhhh... Trying to lift it up to God... Aigoo...
***
God you are good, every day, so why should I stop praising you because of how I feel?
You are Good. God. =]
***
I want to grow with the holy spirit... converse with it... walk with it... follow it...
I want to chill with it... chill with God.
***
I want to be chillin' with the King.

Thank you...

...God.

These last couple of days have been amazing =]

And I haven't been happy for all of them,

But you have been good through it all.

God I am thankful.

***

You brought me here to South Carolina, to spend time with family, you reunited me with my mom.

Thank You.

You've given me such a great life, and even good weather down here.

Thank You.

The choices that you've given to me, the choices you've let me choose, the way you made me.

Thank You.

The hurt I feel, the pain I feel.

Thank You.

Refining Fire.

Thank You.

Grace and Mercy.

Thank You.

Love.

Thank You.

I love you.

***

Mmmm. That being said, all the glory goes to God...

So... thinking of a few things...

***

Drinks were served at dinner. I didn't drink. But I was thinking about...

Self-control.

My aunt came up to me and asked me if she should stop drinking.

I'm just thinking to myself, it's up to you. You have the power...

You have the choice of self-control.

And that doesn't mean not drinking necessarily, but that means you're choosing to control what you do.

Mmmm.

Once I get older maybe I'll start drinking with family again.

But then again by that time, maybe I won't need it at all =]

***

Potential... I've had this thought a few times... that like, when we're born, we're like circles, able to progress and grow in an infinite number of points outwards. (Yaknow? Like... perpedicular to all the infinite points of a circle...)

And as we grow, we shape ourselves, become different...

And as that happens, our potential changes as well, coming out of us at different angles and directions.

Hrm....

***

Give it all to God.

Alpha + Omega.

Wutwut. That's MY king.

***

People aren't subjects. When we love, we shouldn't love... subjectively, but... objectively...

Taking in and seeing everything there is to see.

Love vs. Blindness.

***

So.

Opposing forces...?

Courage vs. Insanity Maybe not necessarily...

Knowledge enhances both sides.

Fear can stop both from happening.

We choose courage, or insanity.

But God reigns supreme here. Letting all of this happen.

Giving us this choice...

Shaping us...

Loving us...

Word.

***

Happy Thanksgiving =]

Gly. No matter what.

Good...

...morning. God.

I dunno what made me think that my life was of value.

I don't know what made me think that I was a star in your movie.

God I don't want to find value in my life.

I want to life it up to you.

The good, and the bad.

***

Get over yourself.

***

Even though I had learned recently that I don't have control over these things, I had forgotten in just as quickly...

Ha.

Get over yourself.

I want to get over myself.

I want to see past this illusion that I have control over my life.

'Cause God, there is so much out of my control.

And God, you are in control.

I need you.

Can't do it without you.

Can't do anything, without you.

I haven't...

...even done my QT yet.

And I'm damn near well about to cry.

Damn this hurts...

***

Last night, in my dreams. You were there.

Like a simple plan, pop-punk wannabe emo breakup song.

You were there.

And it hurts.

You might as well have ignored me, giving me only the leftovers of your greetings and cheer as you waltzed through the library.

And I walked home alone at one in the morning.

He was a nice guy, I even admitted it.

And he probably doesn't even exist outside of my head.

But you were happy with him.

And in your moment of weakness, you ran to him, in front of me.

Damn this hurts.

This hurts a lot.

And all I wanted was to grow.

***

I don't even know how to channel this stuff, or face it.

Months ago I would've found someone else to suck face with and move on.

Damn is it usually this hard? I mean I guess the old ones aren't supposed to be visiting you in your dreams...

I have so many questions to ask.

I have so many mixed feelings.

I want to be angry, but that wouldn't solve anything...
I want to be happy, but I'm not... not right now.
I want to move on, but for some reason it's so hard...
I feel so pathetic... 'cause it seems like this hasn't phased you at all...

I don't really mind feeling pathetic, I just don't want to lie to myself.

I just don't know what to do.

Not now.

***

I want to reach out for help.

I want a hug right now.

But I really feel like, that I would just be doing the same thing, turning to girls for comfort.

***

And I woke up that split second you went to him.

And my thoughts turned to God immediately. And that makes me happy.

And God, I want to grow...

I prayed that you would open my eyes, and help me grow. I don't want to ask for things, I don't want to ask for this or that.

I just want to understand.

To grow.

But it just hurts so much right now God.

And maybe that's okay.

Yeah. I think that's okay.

...I just want to know if there's something I should be doing about it God...

***

Growing pains.

***

So I went back to sleep...

and I became trapped in a dream.

Where you had seen

What I had written.

And of course then it all went to hell.

Yelling at friends,

Getting angry,

Eating lunch with mom in Korea,

Old guys telling me I'm going to the wrong church...

Racing atv's in a valley,

The hell is going on in my head...

Last night...

...I was blind.

I couldn't move very well.

I could only flail around on the floor...

Calling out for help, my mouth could barely open.

It uttered only a grunts, yells, calls.

People walked past me. I couldn't see them, but I could feel them.

Someone helped me up, and for a second my eyes were opened.

It was a fall day. I was in front of the gym.

The sun was shining, and the grass was green.

And I was blind again. To all of this.

I fell down again.

Unable to move.

My body not responding to what I asked it to do.

And then I pleaded to God.

God save me.

Save me...

***

So before I slept I had a talk with a... sister of mine =]

She was scared demons were going to attack her tonight.

She had gotten good at telling when they were going to attack her.

I talked to her about David and Goliath. About Jonah. About suffering.

About how pressure makes charcoal into diamonds.

Refined... the most dazzling precious treasure...

We prayed... that God would protect her if it's his will, that he would send angels down to protect her.

But then I thought... what if God wants this pressure, what if God is sending a storm to make us jump into the water?

Mmmm.

So God, we are so human, give us the ability to grow. More than being saved from demons or not, more than jumping into the ocean or not...

Give us the ability to grow God.

To be transformed...

Yaknow?


***

Instantly, my eyes were opened, and God had saved me.

***

Was it Kawi Kum? Was a demon attacking me, not just in my sleep, but in my dreams as well?

Was I unable to see the pressure? Was I unable to see the storm?

And maybe it's just a dream =]

***

God we cannot fight Goliath without you.

I'm just a kid... I'm still learning God.

I want to grow.

There seems to be...

...an issue that I keep having.

That God has been saying to me over and over again... but I just don't get it for some reason...

I need to stop trying to earn his love...

But I just... don't get it... I just don't know how...

How do... I just... let...?

God... you love me...

Why am I still trying to earn it?

Why am I still trying to earn grace?

Blarg.

This one...

...wont be too long.

God you are too good.

So good.

Amazing.

I am in awe... in fear, not scared of, but in fear of you God.

For you are great, your glory fills the temple, your grace is overflowing, and your love is unconditional and pure.

***

You answered my prayers God, you have opened my eyes.

I am a sinner God, I am a terrible person.

But thank you God.

Thank you for making me aware of this.

***

There is refining fire, and cleansing water.

Numbers 31:22-23.

You are providing me with both.

Thank you God, for answering my prayers.

***

Repentance...

Thank you God.

You are still refining me.

You are changing me.

Cleansing me...

Fixing me.

'Cause you know, I am so messed up.

I am so messed up =]

But in this... your Glory shines...

***

So God, thank you, for refining me, saving me, cleansing me, changing me, opening my eyes to help me see.

God you are GOOD.

Hosanna... Hosanna... Hosanna...

I need you.

I fear you.

I am in awe of you.

I love you.

***

Goodnight.

I've been...

...coughing for the last few days.

I am sick.

Hahahaha Oh my... I was bed ridden yesterday, more or less.

Going out even for a meeting was a bad idea.

I've been having the craziest body sores and coughing attacks...

Blarg =P

God will heal me. (That being said I also took some tylenol. ty God)

***

I was thinking about possibly going after a leadership position.
I wanted to revert the organization back to it's roots, back to it's purpose,
It's pillars.

I talked to a bunch of people about this possibility.

And of course, I got very mixed reviews.

I think in the end I decided not to.

How can I be a part of something that may or may not require me to be in support of something...

That I, and God doesn't support.

Hrm... I was thinking however,

That maybe God's light could've been shined, if I was up there... in that position.

***

But then again... I think the answer is love.

We shouldn't be trying to fix people.

Nothing's wrong with us to begin with... In a... general overview, that is...

Genesis 1:31

Of course, we are sinners, we sin.

We do things we shouldn't do.

We think of things we shouldn't.

We are so human and we need God.

But the fixing comes from love.

We need to love, not fix.

The fixing, happens, but it isn't a concious fixing... no?

What we are concious of, are our flaws.

But our flaws are okay. We are still made that way, and there really is, nothing wrong with us.

We realize that we have our issues, that we need rescue, that although there is "nothing wrong with us", our flaws, our imperfection allows for grace and love to fill us up.

Our Flaws are a blessing.

Our Flaws lead us to love.

Through our flaws, God's glory is known, his perfection.

His Love.

We need to reflect his love.

We need to understand his love for us, so that we too can love.

'Cause we all need rescue...

***

We twist love...

We don't know love...

Not true love...

***

So God, open my eyes, and my ears and my heart.

I want to see, I want to know.

***

I'm sorry, I've twisted love so many times.

How could I have said, "I Love You"

When I didn't know what it really meant...

"Love"

***

I feel so much pain sometimes.

I feel like the weight of the world is there.

I want to open my eyes, and to thank God for making me aware of the pain.

God, would you drown us....

Saturate us...

Flood us...

...with your love.

***

God, you are my joy... But sometimes in the moment it's so hard to see.

Open my eyes...

You are my joy...

Set me on fire...

***

There's so much stuff floating around in my head...

I just want to sleep...

I just want to find rest in your arms God...

You bring me so much Joy, even when I am down.

***

Love is the answer.

Love is going to win.

I am so frustrated...

...with my powerlessness, the fact that I cannot be there telling her not to take ecstasy.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her not to cut herself.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her not to drink.
The fact that I cannot be there telling her to eat.
The fact that I cannot be there like I used to, 'cause I miss this one so much it hurts.
The fact that I cannot be there to hug him and tell him it's okay, that he has a family.
The fact that I cannot bring him out of his shell.
The fact that I cannot get him to stop doing what he's doing.
The fact that I cannot get him to stop sleeping with girls, that there is a security that comes from above.
The fact that I cannot break down his wall of pride.
The fact that I cannot help him understand that there is love, and that he cannot do it on his own.

That God.

You have all of them in your hands.

And I, I AM POWERLESS.

I cannot live for them, I cannot make decisions for them, I cannot bring them to you God.

GOD I AM SO POWERLESS.

And you are POWERFUL.

You have all of them in your hands God.

Each and every single one of them.

God please, take care of them.

But let your will be done.

GOD LET YOUR WILL BE DONE.

I just... wish...

***

Todays sermon was about Joy.

Real joy doesn't come from circumstances. Because the circumstances always change.

Real joy comes from within.

From God.

Christ.

Believing, then having faith in and then knowing,

God.

Christ.

That there is love.

That there is something better.

That we shouldn't die for the ones we love, that we shouldn't dare to die.

That we should dare to live.

That, "I dare you to live."

That we all need...

***

...Rescue.

That we all need love, we all need

a hug.

***

Barry needed a hug.

Barry is homeless.

He stumbled into church on Friday night.

He sat up front.

No one else was sitting there.

He cried when we sang praise.

He cried when I talked to him.

He cried when I prayed for him.

God, you have him in your hands.

God, please...

He cried when we hugged.

God please...

***

God has been speaking to me through dreams.

All the glory goes to him.

I will not become cocky because of this.

...super friends... unite...

We cannot fight the mall master. We cannot fight the machine. We cannot fight the army that is against us.

...but we grow.

God equips us, every single day.

He helps us, every single day.

He teaches us

Guides us

Holds us

Loves us

As the monsters get bigger and bigger, we can face them, day after day after day.

Not on our own, not because of ourselves.

But because of God.

Because God is Good.

All the glory and praise to you God.

***

God send me super friends to fight alongside with me.

***

When I fenced yesterday. You were there God.

You were the one that helped me fence well.

You were the one that got me to top 16.

God.

All the glory goes to you.

Without you, I would not have done well.

Without you, we wouldn't have gotten a car after waking up late, we wouldn't still have made it on time.

We might have died on the freeway... going 105 miles an hour.
We might have not gotten a car, and missed the tournament 'cause we missed the bus.
But your glory prevailed God.

***

It would be so awesome if like...

We could just fight everything with love.


Just imagine an ocean...
Putting out all the fires, drowning everything bad, and us just swimming in all of it...


That would be awesome...

And God is shining down on us...
We're just...

Swimming in his Grace.

And Jesus is there chillin with us...

And they're smiling.

Delighted that we have returned.

And we're smiling.

Overcome with happiness being in his presence.

Oh Happiness...

There is grace enough for us and the whole human race.

We're all smiling.

***

Barry is homeless.

Pray for him.

***

God...

...I'm lost for words.

Hrm...

...Chillin with God...

Gifts... You give them... you'll provide...

Evangelism? Joy? Off the beaten path?

Where have you placed me?

What are you trying to say?

God I pray, make it clear.

I'm happy God, most definitely.

I feel you... right now.

Speaking to people...? Spiritual sensitivity...?

Gotta head back and grab those people before they get eaten up...

I need to depend on you...

You want all of me...

Teach me to let Go, for you are jealous for me...

May I find my rest in you....

This stuff is crazy...

You are AWESOME God...

Make it clear...

SUPER-Natural... namean???

Hrmmm...

I will pray about this =]

To be chillin with you, to let go... to be used... God.

I love you... But this is so much at once, hahahaha ><

Peace, I will be chillin with DA KING...

Last weekend...

...was awesome.

I had a great time at the cornerstone college retreat.

I don't ever want to forget this weekend.

I felt... comfortable.

I was reminded of just how much Jesus Loves us,

How much he loves me, and how much he went through for me.

***

I had a dream I was... astro boy.

I had just been created, I was re-learning how to walk.
Let alone how to fly.

This big machine like thing came to life and began to attack me.

It had drills and it chased me,

Swinging it's arms as I jumped between levels of a parking complex.

With the help of some friends, we managed to trip it into the sea.

Once it was there, it grew.
I was able to fly now, and I flew around the water, and it would try to swat me from underneath, 'cause he knew I wasn't able to see into the polluted water.

I started to shoot out little drills, and I would dodge most of them, but some of them would hit me.

But all this time I couldn't fight back.

It then changed. It became organic, and floated around, breaking things, destroying things.

I watched as it split, and grew, and grew. It fed on other people, on other animals.

It then moved to the middle of the sea, and formed a giant city.

It sent out smaller creatures, that began to shake the foundations of the building we were in.

The building shifted, and fell on it's side, and began to sink.

I ran at first, and then someone told me I should go back and save my friends. So I dove in and pulled them out.

As we left, I caught a robber who was trying to steal from us. I ended up carrying her to the safe zone along with my friends.

I pulled out my papers just as the military asked, and they told me I could come in...

And then I woke up...

***

I also had a dream where I was driving a car for the president of the frat.

...fix your brakes...

***

Hrmm...

I've been born again... and fighting an enemy I cannot necessarily kill.
It grows and grows, and takes and takes.
It'll grow huge... and take people with it.
And although WE cannot fight it, we can find refuge, and we should bring as many people as we can...

...maybe?

***

I met the most awesome people over the weekend.

And God, you love me so much. I just break into tears at the thought of what you've done for me.

I have so many questions... I'm so excited God... I want to learn more and more...

Mmmm. Life isn't always easy, and I'm not always happy, but there is Joy.

***

...and love. Don't forget to smile.

Your love...

...is like a hurricane,

I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy...

***

A few days ago I felt so odd.

I felt, calm, beautiful, suicidal, pleasant.

I don't really know any better way to describe it.

Maybe I was feeling like the weather or something...

But I felt so tranquil, and that somewhere in the tranquility I felt... satisfied, and yet at the same time I wanted to end my life... or just drain the blood out of my veins.

It was... an odd feeling, that's for sure...

***

Last night was Adagio dancefest. It went very well.

And God, YOU WIN.

That you have blessed me with weakness,
Yet you have blessed me with talents,
That in my weaknesses,
You still use me.

I prayed a lot beforehand, I wanted God to be seen through the way I danced, choreographed or not.

It's your Grace God, I want it to overflow.

And so I began to think... as I went to sleep...

***

...that God's will, WILL BE DONE.

How can it not be? God's in control, hold me, holding us, and through we have free will,
That God loves us so much to give that to us,

His will, will be done.

Think about how God kept Pharaoh's heart hard, all throughout the time when Moses was trying to get the Israelites out of Egypt.

Your will was DONE. Your PROMISES were FULLFILLED.

So I think, God, I want to bend to your will.

Your will be done.

I want to be able to bend to your will.

Hrmmm....

***

I want to see your glory and grace in everything around me.

It's cool how you're opening my eyes to these things.

***

Woo. I wanna dance moar.

I can't help but...

...smile.

As nostalgic as I'm feeling right now,
As slightly torn,
As calm as I was feeling before.

Because I know God is with Me.

***

Seeing you jump starts my heart a little bit.

To say that it doesn't, would be a lie.

I think I'm addicted to relationships, to attachment, to relationships.

It's something I need to work on.

There are still some things on my mind, on my heart, that I want to get out, but I dunno how, and when the right time would be.

***

It's definitely the weather, or something.
I'd much rather be skating than studying, it's...
Interesting weather.
Cloudy. If I had to describe it with a song or a few different bands...
It would definitely be... "Let the Drummer Kick - Citizen Cope"
Or something by Sigur Ros, or more like... Jonsi & Alex.

***

I still want to be in a relationship.
I still want that... emotional, physical, blahblahisical attachment, care, love. (love?)
I get jealous when I see couples.
I want to care about someone, I want to love someone.
I want someone to care about me, I want to be loved.

***

But then again, maybe I'm saying I too much.
Is someone ready for me?
Am I ready for someone?

Probably not.
I don't want to lie about myself.

***

I think it's funny how, as I wrote that last part, God just came to mind.
So of course I ask myself, what is it that I'm really desiring?
Intimacy? or Contact?
Regardless I'm still plagued and tempted by sexually immoral things.
God you've given me strength to resist, I can take no credit for that.
But, Father, I'm still yearning for that... What am I to do?
I know you'll let me know. I trust in you.

***

And God I know I cannot do it without you.
This morning, you just... gave me a nice hug.
I felt so calm, it was awesome.

***

*taken from a recent e-mail that I wrote...*

...so then Sunday rolled around...

(FOO. YOU CAN'T FIGHT GOLIATH WITHOUT GOD)

And I think God was speaking to me, reminding me that I can't do these things on my own.
That I need God, I need him more than anything, that without him I would be nothing.
That my flaws are there for his glory,
And my talents are there for his glory,
And that it's his Grace that has allowed all of these things to happen.
And it's so hard to see past the pain and the frustration in the moment,
But I want to turn to him, I want to be desperate for him.
I want to Give up this illusion of control that I have over my life.

1 Samuel 17:45-47 (New International Version)

45 David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

***

Mmm.
That is why I am calm.
Even though I feel like a storm.
I am calm.

***

I miss you.
I don't want to lie about that anymore.
It hurts.
I'm scared to talk to you, approach you.
I feel like I need to keep my distance.
I feel like, I need to get over this first.

Get over you first.

I'd usually just start hooking up with another girl to get past you.
But I'm not doing that anymore.
I don't want to.
It would just lead to more trouble.

I have so many questions.

Did it hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Do you miss me?
How have you been?
Did you start to smoke? pot? drink more?
Have you already been with other guys?

I worry.

Did I hurt you?
Did I make you feel insecure?

I'm sorry you couldn't trust me.

I don't know if you'd believe me or not.

Is everything okay?

I still care.

And you know what...

Past the awkwardness, past the sadness, the missing, the nostalgia,
Past walking around campus remembering everything,

It's okay.

It is all good.

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

And as much as it hurts,

There is nothing wrong, with feeling the way I do right now.

***

I'm a train wreck.

But God, it's okay.

It's going to be okay.

'Cause you said so.

'Cause you love me.

***

I can't help, but smile.

My crooked, awkward smile.

Even if it's just a small smile.

I can't help but smile.

Foo...

...you can't fight Goliath without GOD.

I had an interesting week...

I know early on I learned a bit more about faith.

Towards the end I stumbled. And God brought me back to my feet.

I also recently got my external hard drive back and put a lot of music back onto my iPod.
It's very different, I'm seeing a lot of old bands/songs in a new light.
And I like that.

So...

***

Friday, I had a blearg day.

My therapist and I talked, and I didn't really feel good at all afterwards.

I just... felt... "the weight of the world" or something.

That people didn't deserve the situations they were in,

That there was so much injustice and pain
And everyone needed help.

So I didn't do a lot of things I would usually do on a Friday;

Like go to class.
Go to Bible Study at BU.
Fencing Practice.
Dance Practice.

Instead.

I stayed home.
I did go to dance practice...
Didn't go to BU
Didn't fence.

I eventually went to campus to do work, get out of the house.

I got some work done, and I ended up sleeping over this girl's room.

We had some nice conversations.

But I shouldn't have been there.
I was conflicted most of the time.

Girls are one of my biggest weaknesses, and for a second I got complacent in my faith.

We didn't "do" anything.
All we did was talk.
And sleep.

But I shouldn't have been there.

God I'm sorry.

God I cannot fight Goliath without you.

David was picked because of his faithfulness, even with the little things.

And God equipped him as time went on, as he grew in faith and intimacy.

When any single sheep got away from him, he chased after it, and protected it from lions and wolves.

Of course he'd be able to kill Goliath; 'Cause God was with him.

Mmmm.

And I know that... God was with me...

But I was doing it on my own.

I am not perfect.

God I can't do anything without you.

***

I'm tired.

...I'd like to nap...

Aigoo.

***

It's very... humbling.

When something like this happens.

I know a friend of mine more or less kept me accountable.

And in that moment I got so angry, so... frustrated and confused.

But feeding that would've been the wrong thing to do...

And turning back to God is really the only option.

You win.

***

Mmmm. It's also, humbling to be open with the things that are wrong with me.

That "Hey, look, I sure as hell ain't perfect, but God still loves me. It doesn't give me the right to do things that are wrong, but I know God's working in me, and the more and more refined and broken I get, the more and more I will be able to say I am strong because of God's everlasting Grace.

So look at me, how imperfect I am,

and how perfect HE is.

And how much he loves me.

Fix me.

More than fighting Goliath's or tending sheep.

I just want to be close to you.

That will all come,

but for now I just want to be close to you.

You win.

I can't do anything without you God."

I am learning how...

...to let go and give you control.

It's so interesting how you taught me about faith.

***

Someone very close to me passed out while we were on the phone

We were in the middle of praying (Odd timing huh? lol.)

And I just hear

*Gasp* then *Thunk*

dream xliv (11:52:09 PM):i got in contact with one of the jdsn's
dream xliv (11:52:10 PM):the old one
dream xliv (11:52:14 PM):who's closer to ***
dream xliv (11:52:19 PM):and he said he knows where she lives
dream xliv (11:52:24 PM):and he's going to try to find her home number.
dream xliv (11:52:37 PM):And he'll let me know what happens
*** (11:52:42 PM):okay thats good
*** (11:53:03 PM):im sure shell be fine
dream xliv (11:53:08 PM):is this...
dream xliv (11:53:17 PM):what it means to rest in God do you think?
*** (11:53:26 PM):?
dream xliv (11:53:34 PM):to... have faith that everything's going to be fine dream xliv (11:53:38 PM):as much as I'm worrying right now?
*** (11:53:56 PM):yeah
*** (11:53:57 PM):it is

So I prayed and went to sleep.

And I woke up the next morning with two texts, both showing me that God is alive, working, keeping people safe.

Mmmm.

dream xliv (11:32:40 AM):I think... there's only so much we can do
dream xliv (11:32:44 AM):and the rest is up to God
dream xliv (11:32:59 AM):And like my verse... yesterday? makes sense now
dream xliv (11:33:12 AM):that if... i were to bring people to church, and they were converted to me, I would get the glory not God
dream xliv (11:33:19 AM):*by me
dream xliv (11:33:38 AM):But we can still bring them to Church....
dream xliv (11:33:42 AM):but it's up to God
*** (11:33:49 AM):mmmmm
dream xliv (11:34:02 AM):And I think like, for instance last night, staying up freaking out may not have done anything
dream xliv (11:34:08 AM):there's only so much I could've done

And the rest is up to God.

***

So there are some people that I haven't talked to in a while,

That I would like to.

And there are some people that I want to know what's going on with them,

I want to be a part of their lives.

But I am learning to let go.

It's okay, 'cause God's got all of us.

And you've got those people that I care about in your hands.

***

I'll trust in you God.

I'll be patient, and pray, and listen.

I KNOW. You are faithful.

I will find rest in you, knowing that you've got the WHOLE WORLD

in your hands. (lol "He's got the whooolleeee worlldddddddd...")

Word.

What does it mean...

...to find rest in God?
I'm questioning myself about that right now...

Not in a bad way at all.

I met with my new therapist this morning.

We talked.

I left the meeting feeling blessed, feeling the holy spirit in my heart, na mean?

But right now I think a lot of things are telling me that right now I don't have to do, do, do. Serve, serve, serve.

But think about what it means to rest in God, to think, and to know that God loves me, regardless of what I do for him.

That maybe these actions and service ultimately come out of our intimacy with him.

I'm going to keep this in mind as the week goes on...

That, and patience. I'm learning about what it means to be patient and wait on God, and not be so NOW NOW NOW all the time, but wait on him, and pray for an answer, that everything will come in his time.

So, God, I will patiently wait. And turn to you.

What DO you think of me God?

I know you love me.

What do you think of me God?

I will wait, be still, and listen.

What do you think of me God?

Mmm...

***

A blaze? Maybe embers.

Right now...

...I'm feeling so ronery.
Oh so ronery.

haa. ha.

I know that you're here with me God, I know it.
KNOW.

Not THINK.
Not HOPE.

I KNOW.

But yeah.

I can't help but feel kinda lonely God.

***

I had this dream.

There was a wedding, in a giant pool.
Floating seats, laughing guests. Celebration.
Cake, presents, little kids fidgeting in their uncomfortable suits.

All on top of water.

Camera flashes. The bride and groom, hand in hand, walked? swam? floated? down the aisle.

We all clapped and cheered, we were all so happy that they were together, finally united in happiness. Nothing could separate them now.

They kissed.

The band played and they went back down the aisle.
(Hillsong? LOL They were there. It was cool)

We worshipped. It was a time of celebration. The groom and the bride had been united. And all of this happened on top of water.

We made our way back to our houses.
It was a nice neighborhood; green lawns, dogs barking, kids playing in sprinklers.

And we were all hanging out at a house, when the lights shut down. It would've been pitch black if it weren't for the laptop screen and our cellphones somewhat lighting the room.

A shot rang out, there was a hole in the glass, and then a hole in my friend.

***

Ah. Every once in a while I get this feeling, like everyone's gonna fail me and all of my friends are gonna poof.

Right now I'm feeling that.
I'm editing the post, so it's like out of time order... anachronistic?

I think it makes me depend on you more God, because I think that people are just gonna end up leaving me... Which may or may not be a good thing.

God provides me a family, brothers and sisters.

Hrm...

I also think God has blessed me with being multi-racial, to be both a part of things, yet separate as well.

Being separate has made me chase after you God. Bless the Storm.

I don't want my friends to fall to sleep though God. Ah. I care a lot about them. I want to say more than they think, but that would be selfish of me to say.
God you care about them as well.

Ah.

It's all good, as confused as I am.

Even if; I'll keep turning to you. faith+patience.

***

We dropped to the floor, and then the man began to attack.

He teased us.

Hung a girl in front of the door where we could see her.

We tried to shoot at him, fight back, but couldn't do anything.
We saw him coming, from the cracks under the doors, the silhouettes in the windows.
But we could never do anything to retaliate.

We finally escaped, a few of us, following a man, a leader.

Got into a new house, but they were behind us, scaling the telephone poles and wires.

Once we got there, some of them said that we were safe, and that we didn't need to run anymore.

When that was said, they dropped through the ceiling, surrounding us, trying to get at us, to attack us, to kill us.

Clothed in black, they were like ninjas in the way they moved, seamlessly, purposely, with a killer intent.

And There I was, scrambling to get into the car, barely starting it and driving it out of the house before they could catch me and whoever was in the passenger seat.
He was the one who saved us from the house, and was now telling me exactly where to Go.

I had no Idea where we were going, but I trusted him.

We got very far away.

But then I wanted to go back, to save the ones who were left behind.

I turned the car around, and started to drive back.

And then I woke up, at the top of one of the hills, as we rounded the bend before we made it back to the house where my friends were.

***

Did I make it back in time to save them?
Should I have dragged them with me?
Was I too concerned about my own salvation?
If I had brought them with me, would I not feel so alone right now?

Which way do I drive God?

I'll trust in you.

A Blaze.