I can't help but...

...smile.

As nostalgic as I'm feeling right now,
As slightly torn,
As calm as I was feeling before.

Because I know God is with Me.

***

Seeing you jump starts my heart a little bit.

To say that it doesn't, would be a lie.

I think I'm addicted to relationships, to attachment, to relationships.

It's something I need to work on.

There are still some things on my mind, on my heart, that I want to get out, but I dunno how, and when the right time would be.

***

It's definitely the weather, or something.
I'd much rather be skating than studying, it's...
Interesting weather.
Cloudy. If I had to describe it with a song or a few different bands...
It would definitely be... "Let the Drummer Kick - Citizen Cope"
Or something by Sigur Ros, or more like... Jonsi & Alex.

***

I still want to be in a relationship.
I still want that... emotional, physical, blahblahisical attachment, care, love. (love?)
I get jealous when I see couples.
I want to care about someone, I want to love someone.
I want someone to care about me, I want to be loved.

***

But then again, maybe I'm saying I too much.
Is someone ready for me?
Am I ready for someone?

Probably not.
I don't want to lie about myself.

***

I think it's funny how, as I wrote that last part, God just came to mind.
So of course I ask myself, what is it that I'm really desiring?
Intimacy? or Contact?
Regardless I'm still plagued and tempted by sexually immoral things.
God you've given me strength to resist, I can take no credit for that.
But, Father, I'm still yearning for that... What am I to do?
I know you'll let me know. I trust in you.

***

And God I know I cannot do it without you.
This morning, you just... gave me a nice hug.
I felt so calm, it was awesome.

***

*taken from a recent e-mail that I wrote...*

...so then Sunday rolled around...

(FOO. YOU CAN'T FIGHT GOLIATH WITHOUT GOD)

And I think God was speaking to me, reminding me that I can't do these things on my own.
That I need God, I need him more than anything, that without him I would be nothing.
That my flaws are there for his glory,
And my talents are there for his glory,
And that it's his Grace that has allowed all of these things to happen.
And it's so hard to see past the pain and the frustration in the moment,
But I want to turn to him, I want to be desperate for him.
I want to Give up this illusion of control that I have over my life.

1 Samuel 17:45-47 (New International Version)

45 David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

***

Mmm.
That is why I am calm.
Even though I feel like a storm.
I am calm.

***

I miss you.
I don't want to lie about that anymore.
It hurts.
I'm scared to talk to you, approach you.
I feel like I need to keep my distance.
I feel like, I need to get over this first.

Get over you first.

I'd usually just start hooking up with another girl to get past you.
But I'm not doing that anymore.
I don't want to.
It would just lead to more trouble.

I have so many questions.

Did it hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Do you miss me?
How have you been?
Did you start to smoke? pot? drink more?
Have you already been with other guys?

I worry.

Did I hurt you?
Did I make you feel insecure?

I'm sorry you couldn't trust me.

I don't know if you'd believe me or not.

Is everything okay?

I still care.

And you know what...

Past the awkwardness, past the sadness, the missing, the nostalgia,
Past walking around campus remembering everything,

It's okay.

It is all good.

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

And as much as it hurts,

There is nothing wrong, with feeling the way I do right now.

***

I'm a train wreck.

But God, it's okay.

It's going to be okay.

'Cause you said so.

'Cause you love me.

***

I can't help, but smile.

My crooked, awkward smile.

Even if it's just a small smile.

I can't help but smile.