It's odd how...

...the night's and days are slowly becoming blurred, especially as I've been staying up insanely late to do work, or just late talking to old friends.

It's interesting how God speaks to me, and even provides to me when I disobey him, even if it's something small.

It's interesting how my troubles, which used to be a roar in my heart are subsiding. Not leaving, but just a small growl or purr.

***

A few days ago, it's odd how I don't even remember when because every night seems so odd to me... I think it was... Monday night going into Tuesday night.

I decided to give up, on my control of the world in a way.

At four in the morning I remember talking to someone about this, and he phrased it so well...

That, "God, i can't do this on my own, i realize that. but since you called me to it, i'll do it, knowing that it's only by your strength that i'll be able to do it"

And I know that... there are certain things that CAN be changed about myself, but to deny the way that they are right now, would be wrong.

I need to deal with some issues that I've either been lying to myself or been putting off for too long, and for the glory of God, I surrender. I can't do this on my own. I need help God.

***

And yes, lately, as intense as the days have been, God, I know that you've been walking with me. Just standing next to me keeping me safe. As hard as it's been, as depressed as I've been as busy i've been, you've been there with me God.

***

Today I woke up late, and skipped my first class. I knew that God didn't want me to do that...
But he still provided me with a car ride to campus for my next class.
You are good.

...and it hasn't rained yet.

I can't wait for the weekend...

***

In giving up, my fears are subsided...
That I will be taken care of, and everything in due time.

I know that I will continue to follow you, and what you've called me to do.

My faith in you is growing God.

Light me on fire. Set me ablaze.

I know this isn't a twitter...

...but for real, just wanted to put this up...

That everything's gonna be just fine.

And EVEN IF it isn't or it wont be, I'll keep praising you.

***

Oct 12.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't want to turn to anyone anymore.

I don't want to seek help from what I used to in the past,

Part of me just wants to be alone.

Part of me just wants to turn to you God, and only you.

How selfish of me to say that...

***

Do I really want to be alone?
Or am I doing it while looking over my shoulder?
I know you speak to me and care for me through other people...

But I really think I just want to be alone right now.

***

refining process?

Your promises...

...are fullfilled.

All your promises, will never let go of me.

That you said, in 2nd Timothy 4:17: "But the Lord stood at my side and

GAVE ME STRENGTH

so that

THROUGH ME the MESSAGE might be FULLY PROCLAIMED

and ALL the Gentiles might hear it, and I was

DELIVERED from the LION'S MOUTH.

***

That, you God, Father, Friend, Redeemer, have fulfilled the scriptures.

As broken as I am, as, troubled, as hurt, as weak, as a sinner,
you choose to use me, and strengthen me, for your glory.

To YOU ALONE. Will I continue to turn, for I depend on you God, and no one else.

That your grace reaches me, and overflows over the world, and drowns me God.

You, God, choose to keep me safe at night, and provide me with food, shelter, friends, and especially a family.
For you I am eternally indebted, and thankful.

God. You speak to me, through people, through scripture, through the weather.
And you remind me of your SHEER POWER.
And UNFAILING LOVE.

That your love is purest of all.

For it doesn't hurt, or cheat, or lie, bring about insecurity, but it knows what is best, and cares for your people.
That your LOVE is SO PURE that you love for the sake of those people.
That your LOVE for us was SO PURE and SO PERFECT, that you chose to care for us, and die for us.

Continue to USE ME God, I want that privilege, to serve.

I will continue to turn to you, for now and forever.

***

It's interesting. What has happened in the last few days, and weeks.

The life change that is happening to me.
It's weird.
God won't let go of me.
I feel like, I can't go back, not that I shouldn't, but that I am actually incapable of going back to the way I was, because God is just holding me so tightly.

Life is interesting.

It ain't about me, 'cause me isn't gonna matter in a hundred years.

It's about what is and is to come

NA MEAN?

Word.

...as much as I want to write more...

...I think It's time to get some sleep.

Thank you God for a huge bed all to myself... and awesome sheets...

Hook me up with a teddy bear soon. LOL.

...see you tommorrow God.

I didn't have...

...a really good nap =P

It was only for twenty minutes but it felt like an hour or so...
I had a dream. It wasn't very long. And I didn't like it very much.

It's interesting to think about the life that I once led,
And the frustration that comes from wanting that, and what I have now.

But more and more I feel as if my past life is sinking away.
And my new life is taking over, filling me up.

Ah.

Frustrated...

I think I need a teddybear.

What a waste of a post...

***

I know that the verses that have been speaking to me recently have been about,
facing temptation,
and perseverance.

I just feel myself in a battle every day.

And it's tiring.

It'd be easy to not deal with it.
But right now, it's hard to go back to it.
It's hard to go back to my past life,
I don't know what's left for me there.

Or anywhere for that matter.

Once I've seen and felt your Grace, it's hard to want to go back.

And I know you know, but I've kinda been wanting to go back.

***

It's like... I'm in... purgatory? Hahahaha.

***

I'll be delivered.

I remember trying to understand quotes from Fight Club,
and one that always stuck out to me was

"I'll bring us through this. As always, I'll carry you- kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me."

I don't really see myself as kicking and screaming against God carrying me,

But I'm still attached to the past.

I just want to be uprooted.
And placed near new streams of water.

...but it's never that easy, is it?

Na. Everything'll be fine.

***

Yeah. 1 Peter 7-9.

I should be doing work.

Definitely not in the mood to.

I'll find rest in your arms God. No one else.

I was... going to write something.

Probably would have been long-ish.
Possibly depressing.
Most definitely would have had to do with God.
Would have spoken of his glory, grace, mercy, favor, love.
Something along those lines.
A pinch of venting.
Probably a few play on words, or something.
Definitely a few "LOLs" here and there.


And then I decided not to.

***

10:30 --> the Sun came out and the rain clouds blew away.