I realized this a month or so ago.

But I forgot until today.

I just spent 100$ on another new pair of shoes.

I don't really need them. A lot of my shoes are breaking apart. But I have so many pairs of perfectly fine ones.

What is wrong with me?

Mmm.

So a few months ago. I remember this time when I was very annoyed with a close friend of mine. I wouldn't hang out with this person because certain tendencies would really piss me off. And then one night this person flipped out at a mutual friend. It was then I realized why this person was like this. It was so like me about a year ago.

At that time I wished I could've made life decisions for someone else. We'll call this person J. J did tons of drugs. Cut school all the time. Was more or less what we would consider a "bad egg" or "black sheep". I remember at the time, how I wanted so badly to just make decisions for J. It's been a while since then and I've learned that, as much as I may care/we may care about other people, we cannot live for them. We cannot make decisions for them. We cannot study for them. Always be there to protect them.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. It's just the way life is. Yaknow?

But, personally for me. As much control as I have let go of certain things, as much as I'm becoming more and more of a person who just takes things as they come, I am holding on SO tightly to a few things. I still want that control. A lot of things are out of control of my life. My parents marriage. My friends and their habits.

My salvation.

I still want that control. I still want to hold onto some things.

So I buy clothes and shoes I don't need.

But here's where another frustration lies:

I hate that I do that. Everything I am I hate; I see so much fault and issues with it. I hate asking my mom for more money. Ugh.

Sigh.

I'm such a little bitch. I want to focus on myself. I like feeling this despair. I like feeling down.

But I hate it at the same time.

Why am I so afraid to say that Christ loves me?

*

Why am I in such a period of introspection?

I feel like, and sadly maybe it's been a long time coming, that my heart has hardened in an odd way.

At least, odd to me.

I feel like I'm better off on my own.

Too many relationships that have just failed or left me hanging (albeit, some of them have me to blame), would reinforce a lot of bad mentalities.

Whether it's, I wasn't good enough, or I made a mistake, or I'm keeping someone busy... It's all there. Bad mentalities reinforced by bad relationships.

I feel like this is why I'm picky with girls. Why now, I second guess wanting to be in a relationship. Why I'll hook up once with someone and immediately back off if there are signs of affection.

I just feel like, "Hey, I'm better off on my own."

I mean it's much deeper and more intricate than I'm making it sound... of course I'm not gonna be deliberately mean to anyone or intentionally hurt someone, but really, I'd rather be on my own. As much as it's nice to think about being with a pretty girl.

I feel like I'm better off on my own. Y'all are gonna just let me down again and again. And maybe I have such high expectations, and maybe in my mind I'm thinking all I need is God. But where is the family? Where is the body of Christ? Wasn't that something almost (maybe? even a little bit?) guaranteed when Christ came into my life and saved me? When I accepted him as my lord and savior?

Ah. But people aren't perfect, and I understand this, so I just say, "aiite, whatever. They're just busy."

And my Bro says to me when I tell him this, "that's what grace is."

And this is also after venting to him, and telling him how bitter and angry I get when I try to talk to his ass and he never responds.

No family. Parents basically divorced. They don't live together. They don't talk. I call mom occasionally. I'm basically living by myself while my mom supports me from a couple hundred or maybe a thousand miles away. When I see a mixed couple I assume it will fail. And If they have a son, I feel sorry for that child.

Yeah. No one keeps me accountable. And I don't want to try anymore. Sorreh.

...knowing me, I will. But damn. in the back of my head, I'm already getting ready for another failure. I'm already assuming that you will get tired of me. Our interests will shift. I will hurt you. You will hurt me. Something will happen. And you will be gone.

And I mean I want that intimacy. But it's like, twisted now. I dunno how much I want it anymore. I want a committed intimacy. I want a real relationship. Not another failure. But I'm always expecting that failure.

That's a bad mentality man. Wish it wasn't like that. Should be about love.

Where's the commitment? That GODLY love? That love that commits regardless? I mean I could be wrong about this too, but damn. Just damn.

Why should I try? Why should I try? Why should I try?

I'm probably better off on my own.

I've been feeling really weird recently.

I've been very close to tears... but in the best way possible? Ah. Maybe I just want to cry.

I had a nice talk last night with a brother.

A lot was brought to the surface I think.

Definitely feeling... different. Not bad. Just... different.

Maybe it's the nice weather and just my heart.

Nice weather, heart in a mix.

Blarg.

I was gonna come here and vent a lot.

But I was so tired that I just took a nap instead. Slept one hour last night.

Cried as I walked to the campus shuttle stop.

Might've bombed my quiz.

Mom says "This will make you stronger."

I come home and sleep.

I'm craving intimacy right now. It's ridiculous how it's manifesting itself.

*

I was also reading over the comments people have posted on this blog...

I want to meet you all.

Or just you if it's one person...

*

Busy day today and for the rest of the week.

Busy day today and no rest for the weak.

...but it's gonna be all good. =]