I realized this a month or so ago.

But I forgot until today.

I just spent 100$ on another new pair of shoes.

I don't really need them. A lot of my shoes are breaking apart. But I have so many pairs of perfectly fine ones.

What is wrong with me?

Mmm.

So a few months ago. I remember this time when I was very annoyed with a close friend of mine. I wouldn't hang out with this person because certain tendencies would really piss me off. And then one night this person flipped out at a mutual friend. It was then I realized why this person was like this. It was so like me about a year ago.

At that time I wished I could've made life decisions for someone else. We'll call this person J. J did tons of drugs. Cut school all the time. Was more or less what we would consider a "bad egg" or "black sheep". I remember at the time, how I wanted so badly to just make decisions for J. It's been a while since then and I've learned that, as much as I may care/we may care about other people, we cannot live for them. We cannot make decisions for them. We cannot study for them. Always be there to protect them.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. It's just the way life is. Yaknow?

But, personally for me. As much control as I have let go of certain things, as much as I'm becoming more and more of a person who just takes things as they come, I am holding on SO tightly to a few things. I still want that control. A lot of things are out of control of my life. My parents marriage. My friends and their habits.

My salvation.

I still want that control. I still want to hold onto some things.

So I buy clothes and shoes I don't need.

But here's where another frustration lies:

I hate that I do that. Everything I am I hate; I see so much fault and issues with it. I hate asking my mom for more money. Ugh.

Sigh.

I'm such a little bitch. I want to focus on myself. I like feeling this despair. I like feeling down.

But I hate it at the same time.

Why am I so afraid to say that Christ loves me?

*

Why am I in such a period of introspection?