Just posted this on my tumblr...

So uh. Last few days I’ve been so unmotivated to study.

Both of my parents have MAs. Where are they working now?

It seems as if, and I could be wrong about this, that me getting a BA only slightly increases the amount of money I could be making once I get out of college (taking into consideration some of the connections I have with potential future employers…). Not to mention the way things, and again I could be wrong about this, are going, jobs seem to be more and more scarce, and although education seems to be the key to the future, I am very discouraged. I’m surrounded by tons of people who work hard and study hard. I’ve grown up with this my entire life. I can literally name you person after person after person who has played this role in my life (Or maybe I’ve let them play that role) in which I have just felt so… dispensable? Maybe commonplace is the better word. I never made it into the college I wanted to get into. Sure I’m in a great college, but again, most of the people here placed it as a fourth, fifth or even sixth choice school.

When I even begin to think about the possibility of me becoming a doctor or a lawyer or some sort of engineer or CEO. I just think of all of those other people who were that much better than me who would probably fit those jobs better… take those jobs. And yeah, there are a lot of jobs left for me, but that’s exactly what I’m saying…

Dad. (It’s funny how I think a lot of things stem from this. And I keep a lot of things about my dad private…) He read to me almost every night. Instilled a passion, a yearning to learn. And I think he was also the one to destroy that.

When people tell me to do something, I hate it. That’s why I hate doing the things my father tells me to do. I hate doing the things my father loves. Which sadly, may be my downfall in the end. My undoing. Fatal Flaw. Hubris.

He tells me to study; I basically go completely against that.

I have no motivation now. Where is he now? With your masters? With this broken family? If he is supposed to be my role model for what a man should be, what is he instilling in me?

I’m also finally referring to my father in the third person instead of the second person. I’m tired of posts where it’s just ‘you this’ and ‘you that’. What family brah? What family do I have? I’ve been on my own for the past few years with the help of mom basically supporting me. Where you at brah?

All I think when I see mixed couples with kids is how that family is destined to fail.

People point out that I don’t talk about my parents or my family very often.

Yep.

I don’t want to do my work. It seems futile.

It’s funny how it seems as if I have symptoms which remind me of those of ressentiment: I’m learning about it this semester in one of my sociology classes.

What’s out there for me? God I know you have a plan, but right now I’m just feeling so unmotivated.

My GPA’s shit. Law school seems so distant at this point; Mom’s hopes for me seem like they’re going to turn into big letdowns.

I feel like I’m stuck. Maybe some sort of middle class.

Maybe I’m not thinking about the right things right now. I’m probably just focusing on the bad things.

Time to hit the books. Then hit the bed. Or maybe just the bed.

*

Blarg.

I hope I dream a full week tonight.