I feel like, and sadly maybe it's been a long time coming, that my heart has hardened in an odd way.

At least, odd to me.

I feel like I'm better off on my own.

Too many relationships that have just failed or left me hanging (albeit, some of them have me to blame), would reinforce a lot of bad mentalities.

Whether it's, I wasn't good enough, or I made a mistake, or I'm keeping someone busy... It's all there. Bad mentalities reinforced by bad relationships.

I feel like this is why I'm picky with girls. Why now, I second guess wanting to be in a relationship. Why I'll hook up once with someone and immediately back off if there are signs of affection.

I just feel like, "Hey, I'm better off on my own."

I mean it's much deeper and more intricate than I'm making it sound... of course I'm not gonna be deliberately mean to anyone or intentionally hurt someone, but really, I'd rather be on my own. As much as it's nice to think about being with a pretty girl.

I feel like I'm better off on my own. Y'all are gonna just let me down again and again. And maybe I have such high expectations, and maybe in my mind I'm thinking all I need is God. But where is the family? Where is the body of Christ? Wasn't that something almost (maybe? even a little bit?) guaranteed when Christ came into my life and saved me? When I accepted him as my lord and savior?

Ah. But people aren't perfect, and I understand this, so I just say, "aiite, whatever. They're just busy."

And my Bro says to me when I tell him this, "that's what grace is."

And this is also after venting to him, and telling him how bitter and angry I get when I try to talk to his ass and he never responds.

No family. Parents basically divorced. They don't live together. They don't talk. I call mom occasionally. I'm basically living by myself while my mom supports me from a couple hundred or maybe a thousand miles away. When I see a mixed couple I assume it will fail. And If they have a son, I feel sorry for that child.

Yeah. No one keeps me accountable. And I don't want to try anymore. Sorreh.

...knowing me, I will. But damn. in the back of my head, I'm already getting ready for another failure. I'm already assuming that you will get tired of me. Our interests will shift. I will hurt you. You will hurt me. Something will happen. And you will be gone.

And I mean I want that intimacy. But it's like, twisted now. I dunno how much I want it anymore. I want a committed intimacy. I want a real relationship. Not another failure. But I'm always expecting that failure.

That's a bad mentality man. Wish it wasn't like that. Should be about love.

Where's the commitment? That GODLY love? That love that commits regardless? I mean I could be wrong about this too, but damn. Just damn.

Why should I try? Why should I try? Why should I try?

I'm probably better off on my own.