Sorry but...

...right now I'm feeling alone God.
Not like... lonely.
But like I'm the only one... that no one gets me.
That no one cares.
That I'm all on my own.
***
But then I feel your presence, God and I know you are here.
But it hurts so much God.
Ah. I can't complain, you've given me so much... but it hurts.
That's all... it hurts.
***
And I just feel like I reach out in awkwardness...
Blindly fumbling around desperately trying to reach out for something to hold onto.
And all I can do is trip over my own words.
It hurts.
***
But you are here.
I am human... I'll try, I swear I'll try to understand you, what you did, that I can't complain that it's all for a plan.
I know you died on the cross for me, suffered all my sin and shame, everyone hated you and rejected you. How wonderful this world that we can suffer majesty and cruelty...
Growth God, growth.
But, it hurts.
That's all...
It hurts...
***
And I think all I'm really trying to find is a home.
Mom's in SC, Dad's in Jersey.
I'm up here in Boston.
And all I'm trying to do is find a home.
I swear... I'm just trying to fit in...
I'm just trying to see if I can fit in someone's arms.
Damn... God...
I'm just trying to find where my home is...
And I know it's in you and I know it should be in you...
But Damn God... it hurts!
And I don't wanna think about you, or what your son did for me.
I wanna forget it all and just go back to the way things were.
But I can't.
That's not my home either anymore.
God... I'm just trying to find my home.
***
Sigh...
This desperation can be a yell, a scream...
Or it can just be a whisper...
***
Where is my home...
Where is it?
***
I am so dumb... to have acted the way I did...
But I'm just looking for a home...
I swear... that's all...
And I'm sorry for what I've done... for the way I've acted...
The way I've hurt so many people...
I swear I didn't mean to... I'm just looking for a place to be God...
That's all I'm looking for...
Please...
I just wanna go home...
I just want a home...
God...
Please...