Last night. Rats in my bag. Bugs everywhere.

Everything seems so twisted. So wrong.

Last night peury was telling me she needed my help. But that she couldnt accept it it... until I really accepted Christ. Odd.

Much to learn.

Nothing is pure.

Last night...

So much happened.
It's hard to remember.

Chased through New York city... By some guy...
There were some girls...
A group of friends...
Basketball...?

The on part that I remember... the most clearly...

We were all separated into... these... balls. (haha. balls.)
And at the center... was an orb of water, that would burst... and begin to fill the ball...
And it would drown people...
But there were some people that said... "I can't do this... I need help."
And then the water changed into sand... and they were safe.

Ho ho ho.

Sometimes I'm looking from the outside in.

I feel. Transcendent.
Like I can see the whole Ocean.
It's peaceful. Yes.
God-given. Maybe.

*

Lol. It seems like some people are taking notice.

To lead is to serve.

Dichotomy… a lion and a lamb. as one.

Do I go more public? Or do I stay the course?

Pride is a battle always fought.
I think. Woah what the hell…
happened to my font… jeez. this is why i never use tumblr —;;

Anyway.

Oh hahaha.

It’s not like I’ve been hiding anything… it’s always been there.

I think I’ll keep it that way. Art.

No explanation. No need to show. Just to create/exist. People will find it if they look.

This notice is subject to change at the whim of its author.

Peace.

…I’m going to have to stay up late tonight if I really want to get anything done…

*

Lame. Vomited that out a few minutes ago onto my tumblr.

The way I feel... about that at least... is that the potential for genuine... ity(?) is there. But... it seems pretty. not beautiful. a re-creation, an attempt at beauty that is just reduced to prettiness only because people are afraid of beauty.

Then again, it's what you do with it.

I'm sure if I was this open on my tumblr I could reverse this just as quickly.

HAH BITCH.

hrm. yes.

But that being said. I like this. I don't need to explain myself. I don't feel the need to dumb-down what I'm writing. I don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Art.

Na'msayin? Who gives a fuck if people are looking or not...? We don't have to necessarily explain what we create... it means something to us. We can choose.

Choice.

Free will.

*

It has been brought to my attention by a certain young (er) individual that...
Maybe people actually do see this, and feel, if anything, a degree of home-y-ness.
And that... maybe there becomes an added element to what I write here. What I post.
What has been in the back of my mind, has been brought to the front.
And Pride is always something that needs to be fought.
Ha.
But anyway...

*

I wanted to summarize a few things that have happened recently.

But I just decided against that...

Maybe I'll change my mind.

Right now I feel transcendent.

I think I can see the ocean.

Interesting day.
*
Underoath makin a comeback in my life...
*
Apostle John. The beloved one.
*
Haha maybe you're right, in fact, I think you were.
I am looking for something that doesn't exist... in this world at least.
But... I don't belong here. And i guess it will hurt.
But... this isn't my home.
I don't fit in here...
I wont.
Even my current state wont fit in once I make it there.
But things will be different once we make it there.
*
Hahaha...
*

*
We shall see what happens. For sure.
But for now... I know that this isn't my home.
*
Christ is not my escape. He's my Savior.

don't sulk.

Let me tell you something.

You do not know what It feels like to be a Mutt.

I am not the way I was before I forced myself to write something.

I am not the way I was before I came back to college last august.

I am not the way I was even two weeks ago.

But that's okay.

I may not be the same person you talked to a little big ago.

But that's okay.

We are constantly dying. Changing. Living.

I hope I don't leave you behind by accident somehow.

I am a bit volatile.

"Once you see everything from the top of the mountain, you will understand."

"But do all the bears have to die for me to get there?"

"Yes."

*

4:50 am. Pwahaha. Stayed up for no reason.

Should have at least started my paper... Oh well...

I wanna get it done soon...

*

Beauty... Death... Uh... Mystic Experiences...

*

We are all beautiful... Oh so beautiful.
It's really just unbelievable. I wish I could open my eyes even more.
I wish I could see the whole Ocean. I wish.

My biggest sin... here... is not that I want to be like you Christ...
but I want to be you.

I want to be that perfection that you are, but not really at the same time.
I want to be that one that everyone can turn to... I want to be that one who has a perfect love, ever forgiving, always understanding...
But I can't. I am not Christ...
I am imperfect... work in progress. Nothing special.
But beautiful.

And I like the way I am right now...
But that seems to be a problem.
So we ask, "Will I like it in heaven?" Or... "Why does God even matter right now?"

But... divine love, a true experience crushes us... we try to make it pretty, because we don't want to die. But when a true experience comes in, it breaks our heart. It breaks us. Everything we are...

So would I like heaven? Probably not.
Will I like heaven? Probably.

For... as we grow as we mature, we lose... we die and are reborn again and again.
The little boy who wants to play with the older kids... Once he gets old, and plays with the older kids, realizes, he's not the little kid he used to be.

We need to die before we can go to heaven... hahaha. Because it's not us that will make it there... but something else... Still us... just.

different.

And I'm okay with being different. We're all different, and I'm cool with the fact that I don't necessarily fit in. Anywhere.

That's just me.

Different... Ever growing, ever trying to understand the ineffable, the incomprehensible revelation that is

God, Christ... But the experiences that I have, the revelations that I receive only explain themselves to me. They are ineffable. They are revelatory.

And these belong to me. They make my relationship, however odd it is, with my God unique, different.

Who says it has to be a certain way?

Haha. Fuck that.

There is good and there is bad. There is gray area as well.

Who says we need to have an official starting date for relationships? Who says that we need to speak a certain way, dress a certain way, or have a certain swag.

Be yourself. And if you adhere to something as well, that's fine. Don't follow without questioning...

We are all beautiful...

*

Haha I should delete this. I forced this... well, not all of it. but some of it.

Ugh. I sound like a pretentious douche...

Yeah. Definitely. Lame as hell.

*

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang.

Your leg is still attached... hold up, let me reload.

I will write something very big soon.

Soon...

Soon.

Hahaha "You're going to heaven."

Psh.

The cool thing to say here would be... NO. I'll go to hell with you!

Pwahahaha.

But Ionno what God's got in store.

For me or for you.

It bothers me 'cause in a way, I wish I could be the one to save. I wish I could be...

Good.

But I'm not, and I can't.

It's okay to stop trying.

For rizzle.

He still loves you anyways. And yeah, that may not make the problems, or all the studying you have to do go away at all.

Just like the anti-depressants that I chose not to take wouldn't have either.

And I mean I don't know jack. Ionno how you really feel when I say these things, or anything.

Good shit's gonna happen and bad shit's gonna happen,

to look at only one side would be wrong.

Love.

I feel. Great right now.

I do.

I don't understand everything, but that's okay.

*



*

Hah.

I am very okay right now.

*

We're all beautiful in God's eyes.

And I'm a sinner, and I got some issues to work out with God, but it's all good...

It's just a journey.

*

I got pretty drunk and high on saturday. Not gonna lie.

But I had fun. I spent it with people I wanted to do.

Regardless of good or bad, I'm taking responsibility.

I'm not sure if that's counter-gospel or not though...

*

btw. I am really curious to know who commented "I love you."

It's all good though, maybe it's better you remain anonymous.

*

We've been brought up feeling like we're not beautiful.

Surrounded by things that tell us that we will never be good enough.

But that's okay.

We're all beautiful.

I'm beautiful.

You're beautiful.

God looks at us and says we are all beautiful.

We'll see what happens next.

Today's gonna be a good day =]

Hi. High.

First drink since August 27th tonight.