"i want to remember what it was like to just be like... hi. i'm ----. lets play. or something like that"

It seems like occasionally the line between God and the Devil blurs to me.

It also seems like I'm very awkward, (have been and getting more so...) and getting better at destroying interpersonal relationships.

Don't ruin dancing for me.
I wont let you.
I will work harder.

I... do not feel okay.

Haha. I am stubborn. Probably going to end up in hell.

Pretty bitter too.

Happy Fathers Day. If you say so.

I need you to tell me something. Anything.

*want.

Haha am I not going to have anything? HAHA. Or am I just being greedy now?

Flowing through my veins. Dirty. Deprave.

There's nothing I can bring or offer to you... So why? What can you redeem in me that would bring you glory?

Why? Are you still with me?

Aren't you just sick of me yet?

Tell me something. Anything.

Or am I too stubborn to even open my ears?

Probably.

I feel restless... unsettled...

I think this might be the start of a new chapter in my life...

Let's look forward.

Cost... It will cost me fitting in, and family. But I will gain, everything. In the end.

It will cost me my pride... probably, as well as my logic too.

But I will gain, everything that I put in. In the end.

I hope these things don't have a hold on me anymore.

That the only thing that will have a hold on me, is a person nailed to a cross.

We'll see how things go.

It'll probably hurt a lot.

You can't judge me. You do not decide whether I am a good person or not.

Only God.

I'm done.

This is a new chapter.

Last night's dream was amazing... I wanna go back to that one...

I think... some things. Small in quantity. Large in quality... need to be fixed.

I just wonder... if I have to wait... or something. Hahaha.

Next year is gonna be just as crazy...

As if my life isn't insane enough =P

Anonymous said...

Who are you reffering this to ?

Ah... a bunch of people.

I feel like I'm going to hell.

I feel like you hate me. But I look up to you so much.

I feel like you hate me. I wish you would die.

I feel like you hate me. But I really want to talk to you.

Ugh. So many people intimidate me.

I feel you. Not 100%, but you're not entirely by yourself.

I want to tell you what's been going on. I want to scream it, but I probably wont.

...too ashamed.

Ohhh man I'm craving cupcakes those are fucking delicious =P

...How did I lose fifteen pounds since the last time I weighed myself?



Do I love you, Jesus?
Do I even want an encounter with you?
If I fight hard enough... will you really leave me alone?
Maybe I'm just scared that you'll actually be good for me; that I actually might delight in you.

I feel like shit.

"Hi. I don't know what is going on in your life anymore, because it's been so long since we've really talked. But you have no idea how much I miss you, and by the word "you" I mean the person I love(d) and knew. I wish I knew you still."

I dunno who you are... a few people come to mind... but i'm not too sure.

What I am... pretty sure of... is that i think it'd be nice if we talked.

Yea.

It... makes me a little happy to know... that (whoever you are =O ) you miss me.

"You may think I criticize you a lot, but really, I hold back."

Right now. I hate everything about me.

Is this discipline? Or is it me being twisted?

I actually broke a tiny bit of skin today.

Why am I crying?

It feels like it's been a while since I've been here...

I told someone about this.

I felt terrible about it. Like I shouldn't have said anything. Like it was such a selfish thing to do...
Everything... seems so selfish.

Maybe that's okay, that nothing really pure comes out of me... Because I am impure...

What... makes me think that I can settle for less?

Ha. I feel like everytime I delight in something... it's like saying to God...

"You're not good enough for me. I'm going to delight in something that isn't you."

What a piece of shit. Hahaha.

How dare I...

I need an encounter... but I wonder if you'll ever give it? You promised you would...
So I am not righteously earnestly seeking you...
I guess I still don't see how deprave I am...
I don't see really how much I am in need of you...

I can say that I know it... but I can't place it into my heart.

How twisted.

Hahahaha... how twisted...

God, I need you... but I'm not sure if it's you that I want... or what you bring.

How twisted.

I feel like taking the life you so graciously gave me. It's not like I asked you to create me.

How twisted.

How twisted.

How evil.

I'm too focused on that to even look at the cross for redemption.
So conceited. So greedy. So sloth. So evil. So wrathful. Condemning.
I need to break my neck. Kill myself. In order to look the other way...
I need to look forward to the cross, not the evil holding me back...

I said that I would keep try to keep praising you and praying to you even if you didn't give me anything, or show me anything.

Am I worshiping you out of bitterness now?

How twisted.

Stop.

I need to change... I think.

A book will not change God... but it might help me... change the way I see God, the way I approach him.

Because everything is twisted...

I will need to repent.
I need to repent.

All day, Errday.

Ionno if I'll be ready... or if I will ever be ready.

...we'll see.

WHY WOULDN'T THE DAMN OATMEAL COOK??? IT'S MY DREAM AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EAT OATMEAL >=[ FAKKK

Why do we feel so entitled to everything?

...Insecurities?

Why are we so obsessed with trying to make things un-awkward?

Blessing. Pain. Suffering. Death.

Hebrews 11:13 --> These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.

I think I am coming to terms with some things.

Ability, Affinity, (A) Opportunity.

I am not Christ.

I could never love like him.

Nor care like him.

Nor provide like him.

So was that discipline? Was that God disciplining me when my dad choked me?