I was waiting for the rest of the praise team... at Wendys this morning... as I usually do.
It's so interesting looking out the window as people walk by...

...Old lady who looked anorexic... lost.
...Homeless guy yelling at the Mom who was walking her baby... she probably has a wealthy husband...
...Hispanic Mother + Daughter... daughter had cool neon green + grey jordans...

*

Why am I still going to church...? Hahaha

What does it really mean to be a Christian... is it a part of me? Or... am I part of it?

I'd rather it be the former... But then would that be taking away me from God? Do I really belong to God... that much?

*

Mom pointed out to me that... the first lesson the church should teach... the first part of the Gospel... is that we are all Children of God. That we are LOVED...

...because that seems to be what's getting me down the most.

I feel like I need to re-learn love.

*

I'm sick... Drinking hot water + honey...

*

Kid Cudi... you are the man..

"I've got some issues that nobody can see,
and all of these emotions are pourin' outta me,
I bring them to the light for you,
it's only right,
this is the soundtrack to my life,
the soundtrack to my life ohhhh"

Hahaha Hrm. Maybe I should rephrase it this way...

Recently, when people have asked me how I'm doing... I've replied,

"I'm alive."

And I think it's begun to have... multiple meanings...

Eh.

I'm alive.

...Sleep + Dreams I think are keeping me from not doing stupid things.

I feel unable to say things.

Paralyzed...

*

"It's always sunny in hell"

I haven't done anything dumb, yet.

I get nauseous when I think about yelling back at my mom.

"How could you even think about that when all she's done is provided and provided for you, and shown you nothing but love and care?"

The reason why I hate that she continues to give me money is I don't think I deserve it.

I'm a shit son.

A shit Christian.

A shit student.

A shit person.

I'm complete and utter shit.

If I truly loved the things that I did, I would do more for them, care for them more, care for it more. Do more for it, make time for it, learn about it, study it. I have failed.

I've hurt people, I can't fix them, make them better, I can't help them.

I messed up my parents marriage.
Or at least Dad tells me so.
Dad would love me if I was an A+ person, if I was a better student, if my "grades reflected how good of a person I am".

Mom doesn't want to hear it anymore. She had to leave the house because of Dad, how can I blame her? How could I ever get mad at her? I'm a bad person to even consider that.

"Why are you such a burden on other people? Can't you just kill yourself and be done with it? Oh wait, they'd have to clean up your mess. What a burden... Oh well looks like you're stuck again. Maybe you should cut yourself. But make sure no one knows, otherwise they'll begin to worry. And even if they do, it's only out of obligation. Why would anyone want to care about you? You're nothing. Don't even try to judge other people, you're not any better than they are. If anything, you're worse for all of this."

I'm shit... I don't deserve anything...

HAHAHAHA.

I am in no need of saving... Don't see the depravity in my own life.

What is the use of the gospel to me?

*

"May I have the mission trip information please?"

Serving only... why would God choose to use me?
It's not like I'm there to get prayed for or learn more about him...
It's not as if I care...
I would only go to serve.
"But how could you serve when you don't know or love God?"

Hah.

"God wants to bless you."

I don't want that.

"Are you still going to church?"

Well, physically, yes.

"Is everything okay?"

Okay? Yeah I guess so =] But then again you don't have to act like you care when it hurts you to hear how I'm doing.

Leave me alone, I'm just doing what I need to do.

Hahaha...

Am I okay? Nah.