Your love...

...is like a hurricane,

I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy...

***

A few days ago I felt so odd.

I felt, calm, beautiful, suicidal, pleasant.

I don't really know any better way to describe it.

Maybe I was feeling like the weather or something...

But I felt so tranquil, and that somewhere in the tranquility I felt... satisfied, and yet at the same time I wanted to end my life... or just drain the blood out of my veins.

It was... an odd feeling, that's for sure...

***

Last night was Adagio dancefest. It went very well.

And God, YOU WIN.

That you have blessed me with weakness,
Yet you have blessed me with talents,
That in my weaknesses,
You still use me.

I prayed a lot beforehand, I wanted God to be seen through the way I danced, choreographed or not.

It's your Grace God, I want it to overflow.

And so I began to think... as I went to sleep...

***

...that God's will, WILL BE DONE.

How can it not be? God's in control, hold me, holding us, and through we have free will,
That God loves us so much to give that to us,

His will, will be done.

Think about how God kept Pharaoh's heart hard, all throughout the time when Moses was trying to get the Israelites out of Egypt.

Your will was DONE. Your PROMISES were FULLFILLED.

So I think, God, I want to bend to your will.

Your will be done.

I want to be able to bend to your will.

Hrmmm....

***

I want to see your glory and grace in everything around me.

It's cool how you're opening my eyes to these things.

***

Woo. I wanna dance moar.

I can't help but...

...smile.

As nostalgic as I'm feeling right now,
As slightly torn,
As calm as I was feeling before.

Because I know God is with Me.

***

Seeing you jump starts my heart a little bit.

To say that it doesn't, would be a lie.

I think I'm addicted to relationships, to attachment, to relationships.

It's something I need to work on.

There are still some things on my mind, on my heart, that I want to get out, but I dunno how, and when the right time would be.

***

It's definitely the weather, or something.
I'd much rather be skating than studying, it's...
Interesting weather.
Cloudy. If I had to describe it with a song or a few different bands...
It would definitely be... "Let the Drummer Kick - Citizen Cope"
Or something by Sigur Ros, or more like... Jonsi & Alex.

***

I still want to be in a relationship.
I still want that... emotional, physical, blahblahisical attachment, care, love. (love?)
I get jealous when I see couples.
I want to care about someone, I want to love someone.
I want someone to care about me, I want to be loved.

***

But then again, maybe I'm saying I too much.
Is someone ready for me?
Am I ready for someone?

Probably not.
I don't want to lie about myself.

***

I think it's funny how, as I wrote that last part, God just came to mind.
So of course I ask myself, what is it that I'm really desiring?
Intimacy? or Contact?
Regardless I'm still plagued and tempted by sexually immoral things.
God you've given me strength to resist, I can take no credit for that.
But, Father, I'm still yearning for that... What am I to do?
I know you'll let me know. I trust in you.

***

And God I know I cannot do it without you.
This morning, you just... gave me a nice hug.
I felt so calm, it was awesome.

***

*taken from a recent e-mail that I wrote...*

...so then Sunday rolled around...

(FOO. YOU CAN'T FIGHT GOLIATH WITHOUT GOD)

And I think God was speaking to me, reminding me that I can't do these things on my own.
That I need God, I need him more than anything, that without him I would be nothing.
That my flaws are there for his glory,
And my talents are there for his glory,
And that it's his Grace that has allowed all of these things to happen.
And it's so hard to see past the pain and the frustration in the moment,
But I want to turn to him, I want to be desperate for him.
I want to Give up this illusion of control that I have over my life.

1 Samuel 17:45-47 (New International Version)

45 David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

***

Mmm.
That is why I am calm.
Even though I feel like a storm.
I am calm.

***

I miss you.
I don't want to lie about that anymore.
It hurts.
I'm scared to talk to you, approach you.
I feel like I need to keep my distance.
I feel like, I need to get over this first.

Get over you first.

I'd usually just start hooking up with another girl to get past you.
But I'm not doing that anymore.
I don't want to.
It would just lead to more trouble.

I have so many questions.

Did it hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Do you miss me?
How have you been?
Did you start to smoke? pot? drink more?
Have you already been with other guys?

I worry.

Did I hurt you?
Did I make you feel insecure?

I'm sorry you couldn't trust me.

I don't know if you'd believe me or not.

Is everything okay?

I still care.

And you know what...

Past the awkwardness, past the sadness, the missing, the nostalgia,
Past walking around campus remembering everything,

It's okay.

It is all good.

There's nothing wrong with feeling this way.

And as much as it hurts,

There is nothing wrong, with feeling the way I do right now.

***

I'm a train wreck.

But God, it's okay.

It's going to be okay.

'Cause you said so.

'Cause you love me.

***

I can't help, but smile.

My crooked, awkward smile.

Even if it's just a small smile.

I can't help but smile.

Foo...

...you can't fight Goliath without GOD.

I had an interesting week...

I know early on I learned a bit more about faith.

Towards the end I stumbled. And God brought me back to my feet.

I also recently got my external hard drive back and put a lot of music back onto my iPod.
It's very different, I'm seeing a lot of old bands/songs in a new light.
And I like that.

So...

***

Friday, I had a blearg day.

My therapist and I talked, and I didn't really feel good at all afterwards.

I just... felt... "the weight of the world" or something.

That people didn't deserve the situations they were in,

That there was so much injustice and pain
And everyone needed help.

So I didn't do a lot of things I would usually do on a Friday;

Like go to class.
Go to Bible Study at BU.
Fencing Practice.
Dance Practice.

Instead.

I stayed home.
I did go to dance practice...
Didn't go to BU
Didn't fence.

I eventually went to campus to do work, get out of the house.

I got some work done, and I ended up sleeping over this girl's room.

We had some nice conversations.

But I shouldn't have been there.
I was conflicted most of the time.

Girls are one of my biggest weaknesses, and for a second I got complacent in my faith.

We didn't "do" anything.
All we did was talk.
And sleep.

But I shouldn't have been there.

God I'm sorry.

God I cannot fight Goliath without you.

David was picked because of his faithfulness, even with the little things.

And God equipped him as time went on, as he grew in faith and intimacy.

When any single sheep got away from him, he chased after it, and protected it from lions and wolves.

Of course he'd be able to kill Goliath; 'Cause God was with him.

Mmmm.

And I know that... God was with me...

But I was doing it on my own.

I am not perfect.

God I can't do anything without you.

***

I'm tired.

...I'd like to nap...

Aigoo.

***

It's very... humbling.

When something like this happens.

I know a friend of mine more or less kept me accountable.

And in that moment I got so angry, so... frustrated and confused.

But feeding that would've been the wrong thing to do...

And turning back to God is really the only option.

You win.

***

Mmmm. It's also, humbling to be open with the things that are wrong with me.

That "Hey, look, I sure as hell ain't perfect, but God still loves me. It doesn't give me the right to do things that are wrong, but I know God's working in me, and the more and more refined and broken I get, the more and more I will be able to say I am strong because of God's everlasting Grace.

So look at me, how imperfect I am,

and how perfect HE is.

And how much he loves me.

Fix me.

More than fighting Goliath's or tending sheep.

I just want to be close to you.

That will all come,

but for now I just want to be close to you.

You win.

I can't do anything without you God."

I am learning how...

...to let go and give you control.

It's so interesting how you taught me about faith.

***

Someone very close to me passed out while we were on the phone

We were in the middle of praying (Odd timing huh? lol.)

And I just hear

*Gasp* then *Thunk*

dream xliv (11:52:09 PM):i got in contact with one of the jdsn's
dream xliv (11:52:10 PM):the old one
dream xliv (11:52:14 PM):who's closer to ***
dream xliv (11:52:19 PM):and he said he knows where she lives
dream xliv (11:52:24 PM):and he's going to try to find her home number.
dream xliv (11:52:37 PM):And he'll let me know what happens
*** (11:52:42 PM):okay thats good
*** (11:53:03 PM):im sure shell be fine
dream xliv (11:53:08 PM):is this...
dream xliv (11:53:17 PM):what it means to rest in God do you think?
*** (11:53:26 PM):?
dream xliv (11:53:34 PM):to... have faith that everything's going to be fine dream xliv (11:53:38 PM):as much as I'm worrying right now?
*** (11:53:56 PM):yeah
*** (11:53:57 PM):it is

So I prayed and went to sleep.

And I woke up the next morning with two texts, both showing me that God is alive, working, keeping people safe.

Mmmm.

dream xliv (11:32:40 AM):I think... there's only so much we can do
dream xliv (11:32:44 AM):and the rest is up to God
dream xliv (11:32:59 AM):And like my verse... yesterday? makes sense now
dream xliv (11:33:12 AM):that if... i were to bring people to church, and they were converted to me, I would get the glory not God
dream xliv (11:33:19 AM):*by me
dream xliv (11:33:38 AM):But we can still bring them to Church....
dream xliv (11:33:42 AM):but it's up to God
*** (11:33:49 AM):mmmmm
dream xliv (11:34:02 AM):And I think like, for instance last night, staying up freaking out may not have done anything
dream xliv (11:34:08 AM):there's only so much I could've done

And the rest is up to God.

***

So there are some people that I haven't talked to in a while,

That I would like to.

And there are some people that I want to know what's going on with them,

I want to be a part of their lives.

But I am learning to let go.

It's okay, 'cause God's got all of us.

And you've got those people that I care about in your hands.

***

I'll trust in you God.

I'll be patient, and pray, and listen.

I KNOW. You are faithful.

I will find rest in you, knowing that you've got the WHOLE WORLD

in your hands. (lol "He's got the whooolleeee worlldddddddd...")

Word.

What does it mean...

...to find rest in God?
I'm questioning myself about that right now...

Not in a bad way at all.

I met with my new therapist this morning.

We talked.

I left the meeting feeling blessed, feeling the holy spirit in my heart, na mean?

But right now I think a lot of things are telling me that right now I don't have to do, do, do. Serve, serve, serve.

But think about what it means to rest in God, to think, and to know that God loves me, regardless of what I do for him.

That maybe these actions and service ultimately come out of our intimacy with him.

I'm going to keep this in mind as the week goes on...

That, and patience. I'm learning about what it means to be patient and wait on God, and not be so NOW NOW NOW all the time, but wait on him, and pray for an answer, that everything will come in his time.

So, God, I will patiently wait. And turn to you.

What DO you think of me God?

I know you love me.

What do you think of me God?

I will wait, be still, and listen.

What do you think of me God?

Mmm...

***

A blaze? Maybe embers.

Right now...

...I'm feeling so ronery.
Oh so ronery.

haa. ha.

I know that you're here with me God, I know it.
KNOW.

Not THINK.
Not HOPE.

I KNOW.

But yeah.

I can't help but feel kinda lonely God.

***

I had this dream.

There was a wedding, in a giant pool.
Floating seats, laughing guests. Celebration.
Cake, presents, little kids fidgeting in their uncomfortable suits.

All on top of water.

Camera flashes. The bride and groom, hand in hand, walked? swam? floated? down the aisle.

We all clapped and cheered, we were all so happy that they were together, finally united in happiness. Nothing could separate them now.

They kissed.

The band played and they went back down the aisle.
(Hillsong? LOL They were there. It was cool)

We worshipped. It was a time of celebration. The groom and the bride had been united. And all of this happened on top of water.

We made our way back to our houses.
It was a nice neighborhood; green lawns, dogs barking, kids playing in sprinklers.

And we were all hanging out at a house, when the lights shut down. It would've been pitch black if it weren't for the laptop screen and our cellphones somewhat lighting the room.

A shot rang out, there was a hole in the glass, and then a hole in my friend.

***

Ah. Every once in a while I get this feeling, like everyone's gonna fail me and all of my friends are gonna poof.

Right now I'm feeling that.
I'm editing the post, so it's like out of time order... anachronistic?

I think it makes me depend on you more God, because I think that people are just gonna end up leaving me... Which may or may not be a good thing.

God provides me a family, brothers and sisters.

Hrm...

I also think God has blessed me with being multi-racial, to be both a part of things, yet separate as well.

Being separate has made me chase after you God. Bless the Storm.

I don't want my friends to fall to sleep though God. Ah. I care a lot about them. I want to say more than they think, but that would be selfish of me to say.
God you care about them as well.

Ah.

It's all good, as confused as I am.

Even if; I'll keep turning to you. faith+patience.

***

We dropped to the floor, and then the man began to attack.

He teased us.

Hung a girl in front of the door where we could see her.

We tried to shoot at him, fight back, but couldn't do anything.
We saw him coming, from the cracks under the doors, the silhouettes in the windows.
But we could never do anything to retaliate.

We finally escaped, a few of us, following a man, a leader.

Got into a new house, but they were behind us, scaling the telephone poles and wires.

Once we got there, some of them said that we were safe, and that we didn't need to run anymore.

When that was said, they dropped through the ceiling, surrounding us, trying to get at us, to attack us, to kill us.

Clothed in black, they were like ninjas in the way they moved, seamlessly, purposely, with a killer intent.

And There I was, scrambling to get into the car, barely starting it and driving it out of the house before they could catch me and whoever was in the passenger seat.
He was the one who saved us from the house, and was now telling me exactly where to Go.

I had no Idea where we were going, but I trusted him.

We got very far away.

But then I wanted to go back, to save the ones who were left behind.

I turned the car around, and started to drive back.

And then I woke up, at the top of one of the hills, as we rounded the bend before we made it back to the house where my friends were.

***

Did I make it back in time to save them?
Should I have dragged them with me?
Was I too concerned about my own salvation?
If I had brought them with me, would I not feel so alone right now?

Which way do I drive God?

I'll trust in you.

A Blaze.

It's odd how...

...the night's and days are slowly becoming blurred, especially as I've been staying up insanely late to do work, or just late talking to old friends.

It's interesting how God speaks to me, and even provides to me when I disobey him, even if it's something small.

It's interesting how my troubles, which used to be a roar in my heart are subsiding. Not leaving, but just a small growl or purr.

***

A few days ago, it's odd how I don't even remember when because every night seems so odd to me... I think it was... Monday night going into Tuesday night.

I decided to give up, on my control of the world in a way.

At four in the morning I remember talking to someone about this, and he phrased it so well...

That, "God, i can't do this on my own, i realize that. but since you called me to it, i'll do it, knowing that it's only by your strength that i'll be able to do it"

And I know that... there are certain things that CAN be changed about myself, but to deny the way that they are right now, would be wrong.

I need to deal with some issues that I've either been lying to myself or been putting off for too long, and for the glory of God, I surrender. I can't do this on my own. I need help God.

***

And yes, lately, as intense as the days have been, God, I know that you've been walking with me. Just standing next to me keeping me safe. As hard as it's been, as depressed as I've been as busy i've been, you've been there with me God.

***

Today I woke up late, and skipped my first class. I knew that God didn't want me to do that...
But he still provided me with a car ride to campus for my next class.
You are good.

...and it hasn't rained yet.

I can't wait for the weekend...

***

In giving up, my fears are subsided...
That I will be taken care of, and everything in due time.

I know that I will continue to follow you, and what you've called me to do.

My faith in you is growing God.

Light me on fire. Set me ablaze.

I know this isn't a twitter...

...but for real, just wanted to put this up...

That everything's gonna be just fine.

And EVEN IF it isn't or it wont be, I'll keep praising you.

***

Oct 12.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't want to turn to anyone anymore.

I don't want to seek help from what I used to in the past,

Part of me just wants to be alone.

Part of me just wants to turn to you God, and only you.

How selfish of me to say that...

***

Do I really want to be alone?
Or am I doing it while looking over my shoulder?
I know you speak to me and care for me through other people...

But I really think I just want to be alone right now.

***

refining process?

Your promises...

...are fullfilled.

All your promises, will never let go of me.

That you said, in 2nd Timothy 4:17: "But the Lord stood at my side and

GAVE ME STRENGTH

so that

THROUGH ME the MESSAGE might be FULLY PROCLAIMED

and ALL the Gentiles might hear it, and I was

DELIVERED from the LION'S MOUTH.

***

That, you God, Father, Friend, Redeemer, have fulfilled the scriptures.

As broken as I am, as, troubled, as hurt, as weak, as a sinner,
you choose to use me, and strengthen me, for your glory.

To YOU ALONE. Will I continue to turn, for I depend on you God, and no one else.

That your grace reaches me, and overflows over the world, and drowns me God.

You, God, choose to keep me safe at night, and provide me with food, shelter, friends, and especially a family.
For you I am eternally indebted, and thankful.

God. You speak to me, through people, through scripture, through the weather.
And you remind me of your SHEER POWER.
And UNFAILING LOVE.

That your love is purest of all.

For it doesn't hurt, or cheat, or lie, bring about insecurity, but it knows what is best, and cares for your people.
That your LOVE is SO PURE that you love for the sake of those people.
That your LOVE for us was SO PURE and SO PERFECT, that you chose to care for us, and die for us.

Continue to USE ME God, I want that privilege, to serve.

I will continue to turn to you, for now and forever.

***

It's interesting. What has happened in the last few days, and weeks.

The life change that is happening to me.
It's weird.
God won't let go of me.
I feel like, I can't go back, not that I shouldn't, but that I am actually incapable of going back to the way I was, because God is just holding me so tightly.

Life is interesting.

It ain't about me, 'cause me isn't gonna matter in a hundred years.

It's about what is and is to come

NA MEAN?

Word.

...as much as I want to write more...

...I think It's time to get some sleep.

Thank you God for a huge bed all to myself... and awesome sheets...

Hook me up with a teddy bear soon. LOL.

...see you tommorrow God.

I didn't have...

...a really good nap =P

It was only for twenty minutes but it felt like an hour or so...
I had a dream. It wasn't very long. And I didn't like it very much.

It's interesting to think about the life that I once led,
And the frustration that comes from wanting that, and what I have now.

But more and more I feel as if my past life is sinking away.
And my new life is taking over, filling me up.

Ah.

Frustrated...

I think I need a teddybear.

What a waste of a post...

***

I know that the verses that have been speaking to me recently have been about,
facing temptation,
and perseverance.

I just feel myself in a battle every day.

And it's tiring.

It'd be easy to not deal with it.
But right now, it's hard to go back to it.
It's hard to go back to my past life,
I don't know what's left for me there.

Or anywhere for that matter.

Once I've seen and felt your Grace, it's hard to want to go back.

And I know you know, but I've kinda been wanting to go back.

***

It's like... I'm in... purgatory? Hahahaha.

***

I'll be delivered.

I remember trying to understand quotes from Fight Club,
and one that always stuck out to me was

"I'll bring us through this. As always, I'll carry you- kicking and screaming - and in the end you'll thank me."

I don't really see myself as kicking and screaming against God carrying me,

But I'm still attached to the past.

I just want to be uprooted.
And placed near new streams of water.

...but it's never that easy, is it?

Na. Everything'll be fine.

***

Yeah. 1 Peter 7-9.

I should be doing work.

Definitely not in the mood to.

I'll find rest in your arms God. No one else.

I was... going to write something.

Probably would have been long-ish.
Possibly depressing.
Most definitely would have had to do with God.
Would have spoken of his glory, grace, mercy, favor, love.
Something along those lines.
A pinch of venting.
Probably a few play on words, or something.
Definitely a few "LOLs" here and there.


And then I decided not to.

***

10:30 --> the Sun came out and the rain clouds blew away.