Why did I turn and run?

I was waiting for the rest of the praise team... at Wendys this morning... as I usually do.
It's so interesting looking out the window as people walk by...

...Old lady who looked anorexic... lost.
...Homeless guy yelling at the Mom who was walking her baby... she probably has a wealthy husband...
...Hispanic Mother + Daughter... daughter had cool neon green + grey jordans...

*

Why am I still going to church...? Hahaha

What does it really mean to be a Christian... is it a part of me? Or... am I part of it?

I'd rather it be the former... But then would that be taking away me from God? Do I really belong to God... that much?

*

Mom pointed out to me that... the first lesson the church should teach... the first part of the Gospel... is that we are all Children of God. That we are LOVED...

...because that seems to be what's getting me down the most.

I feel like I need to re-learn love.

*

I'm sick... Drinking hot water + honey...

*

Kid Cudi... you are the man..

"I've got some issues that nobody can see,
and all of these emotions are pourin' outta me,
I bring them to the light for you,
it's only right,
this is the soundtrack to my life,
the soundtrack to my life ohhhh"

Hahaha Hrm. Maybe I should rephrase it this way...

Recently, when people have asked me how I'm doing... I've replied,

"I'm alive."

And I think it's begun to have... multiple meanings...

Eh.

I'm alive.

...Sleep + Dreams I think are keeping me from not doing stupid things.

I feel unable to say things.

Paralyzed...

*

"It's always sunny in hell"

I haven't done anything dumb, yet.

I get nauseous when I think about yelling back at my mom.

"How could you even think about that when all she's done is provided and provided for you, and shown you nothing but love and care?"

The reason why I hate that she continues to give me money is I don't think I deserve it.

I'm a shit son.

A shit Christian.

A shit student.

A shit person.

I'm complete and utter shit.

If I truly loved the things that I did, I would do more for them, care for them more, care for it more. Do more for it, make time for it, learn about it, study it. I have failed.

I've hurt people, I can't fix them, make them better, I can't help them.

I messed up my parents marriage.
Or at least Dad tells me so.
Dad would love me if I was an A+ person, if I was a better student, if my "grades reflected how good of a person I am".

Mom doesn't want to hear it anymore. She had to leave the house because of Dad, how can I blame her? How could I ever get mad at her? I'm a bad person to even consider that.

"Why are you such a burden on other people? Can't you just kill yourself and be done with it? Oh wait, they'd have to clean up your mess. What a burden... Oh well looks like you're stuck again. Maybe you should cut yourself. But make sure no one knows, otherwise they'll begin to worry. And even if they do, it's only out of obligation. Why would anyone want to care about you? You're nothing. Don't even try to judge other people, you're not any better than they are. If anything, you're worse for all of this."

I'm shit... I don't deserve anything...

HAHAHAHA.

I am in no need of saving... Don't see the depravity in my own life.

What is the use of the gospel to me?

*

"May I have the mission trip information please?"

Serving only... why would God choose to use me?
It's not like I'm there to get prayed for or learn more about him...
It's not as if I care...
I would only go to serve.
"But how could you serve when you don't know or love God?"

Hah.

"God wants to bless you."

I don't want that.

"Are you still going to church?"

Well, physically, yes.

"Is everything okay?"

Okay? Yeah I guess so =] But then again you don't have to act like you care when it hurts you to hear how I'm doing.

Leave me alone, I'm just doing what I need to do.

Hahaha...

Am I okay? Nah.

Sigh. Fuck Everything and Everyone.

No one is exempt.

Heh.

Peace right now...

I've been up since 4 studying for a test that's in about three hours.

I dunno if I'll post this up in a more public place eventually...

Sigh.

*

I'll admit admit that as much as I'm pushing God away, and as much as I don't want to go to Church and how much I'm pissed at the people... I did lose the point of it (God, Christ)... that... really underneath all of that, it seems like who I am... hasn't really left. In a way... my connection with God... how much he means to me... hasn't really gone. I just need to deal with some...

Issues.
Parents and stuff.
Friends and stuff.
Girls and stuff.
Church and stuff.

I am feeling... good though. The sun is up...
I've watched the light in my room get brighter as it creeps around my windowshades...

Life goes on. I'm happy you're a part of it.

I'm happy that my friends are a part of it.
I'm happy that the people I fuckin hate are a part of it >=]
I'm happy that my God, God, is a part of it.

I'm happy that my parents are a part of it...

As bitter as I am.

'Cause honestly...

Part of me, all of me, well, just something of me.

Is tired. Fuckin hates going to church. Feels like it's all a facade, so fake.
So... not... the way it should be.

Oh man I am judging so hard... perfect me kickin in here...

I'm sick of a lot of things, oh so tired.

I've been sinning. I mean we all do, we have been.
But... even when I felt as if I was clinging to God with all my might, it still... didn't feel right.
Looking back at it.

But now... after listening to some things, listening to some people... part of me says fuck that. I was fine the way I was, I am who I am now... but I should've held on...

I am growing, continuing to grow. Refining. Fire. God.

But God I am so tired. So tired of going to church. So tired of praising your name when I really don't want to. So tired of lying to people about how I feel. So tried of just trying to be... something.

Hey God, remember that time when I said "fuck you to your face"?
Yeah, you do...
Man, I was hurting that day, so pissed.
I told myself you have a perfect timing, that you're waiting for the best, for what's right, what's perfect.
But shit. It hurts. Fuck you... I'm sorry... but man it hurts.

I've always been myself, I've just, held back, or not let it out in certain places.

But.

All y'all fucks make me feel like y'all are judging me, not gonna lie.
I don't feel welcome almost anywhere I go.
But maybe that's the price of being... me.
Or maybe that's just me being me.
Or maybe that's me being hella immature.

I don't have a family, and as much as... the care and the love that people have for me is finally getting to me, getting to my heart, it feels so unfamiliar.

I don't remember what it feels like to feel loved.
To feel cared for.

I don't.

Haha Damn that shit sounds so emo... Whatever that even means... Over-used stereotypical statement that has no meaning or value. It's shittt.

And I still don't feel like I have a family.
I'll admit.
Parents not really together anymore.
Shit bothers me as much as I'll shrug it off and say whatever.

Damn, the things I did, and still do to try and find a family...
Frat. Drinking. Girls. Dance.

And I'll admit I'm a pretty horny fuck. Hahaha.
I probably hurt a lot of girls in my life (giving myself too much credit here? Hahaha)
But I got hurt a lot as well.
But into a bad place of insecurity that manifested itself in the continual, and somewhat delusional thought that i could keep, searching for family if I kept on trying, kept on going back to the same thing, hooking up with girls, or trying to get into relationships that, were really based on nothing...
But it felt good, it was nice, felt... okay.
I'm not trying to downplay those experiences, made me who I am now, who I am today.

I'm not perfect. I am weak as fuck. But I am me. Ima keep going.
That's what makes me strong.
Willpower, na'mean?

I'm bitter towards a lot of the actions that I felt like I missed out on, that I didn't receive from a lot of people in my life. I felt like... I had to figure things out on my own.
Do things on my own.
Fight on my own.
Live on my own.

And I still feel that way.

I just wanna be free. Let me be, God, can't you leave me alone??
Can't you?
Just let go of me. Shit.

This isn't like some huge revival in my heart.
This isn't some sort of... amazing mystical moment, ineffable and inequal to anything else...
Well, it might be.
This isn't a life changing moment...
Well, actually, I guess it might be. Don't really think I'll forget this night...
Me time, alone time. Studying, music in the background... keepin me awake.
This is me man, just doing my thing, moving along.


I am just trying to do. To live. To do what I think is right.


My faith is dead, I need a revival somehow.

Shit man. This shit hurts.

This is a start.

My God is not dead, He's surely alive, and he's living on the inside.

Roarin' like a muddafuckin lion.

Living on the inside.
Roaring like a lion.

*

Yeah I think I'll post this publicly.

My faith is dead. I need a resurrection somehow.





Verse:
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To see a revolution somehow.
Let love explode and bring the dead to life
A love so bold
To bring a revolution somehow

Pre- chorus
Now I'm lost in your freedom
This world I'll overcome.

Chorus:
My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Verse 2:
Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead
I need a resurrection somehow

Bridge:
Let Heaven roar and fire fall
come shake the ground
with the sound of revival

*

My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

*

Aigoo.

Ugh.

*

First drink in a while tonight maybe?

*

Hahaha...

How interesting...

In my dream(s) last night...

I texted with the Devil.

I killed zombies... in my church/home/waterpark.

People who I thought were cool tried to break in and steal stuff.

Had a small Kawi Kum. But realized, that my life is great. That the Devils hold on me makes me feel like my life sucks. But that isn't true. Because my life is great. Even when it is bad, it is great.

Get off me.

Zombies started taking over my town, we tried eating fake meat to survive...

We ran away.

School/Comp labs. Game tournament.

Really nice Korean house, met one of the most powerful Korean families...

(Really good food too...)

So intense... Aigoo.