What's been on my tumblr recently.

*

what?

…the things we hold onto, our vices fill us up.

We plug that hole with our guilt and pride in carrying those things, ashamed to never share them.

But when we finally do get it all out, pour ourselves out we feel so empty.

Where do we run to? What do we fill that hole with?

Do we just run back to our vices because they feel so familiar? so filling?

Or do we run to Christ?

We’re scared to do that not only because it’s so unfamiliar at times but also because we’re too ashamed…

No guilt in life, no fear in death right?

Ugh.

Of course I’m just running back to my vices.

*

This is probably all bs, prideful rhetoric.

So I’m down here in South Carolina. Visiting/helping/staying with my mom.

The weather’s really nice here. It reminds me of when I was on missions.

It reminds me of how much we depended on God, like it was the very air we breathed. I swear I had my eyes closed more than half the time, in prayer. Yaknow? (semi-exaggerating. We did pray tons tho. Basically everything we did, we did it with prayer leading the way) Even without sight, just depending on God.

And I can’t help but be nostalgic about that. Feeling like my heart is trapped in a tower, looking out towards what I once was.

Come like a rushing wind God, stir it up in my heart Lord.

*

Mom has some new job opportunities. I’m really happy for her. I will be praying about this as well as helping her out as much as I can.

*

Hrm. Let’s see. The last few weeks… hooked up with a friend. Smoked pot. Drank a bunch. Had fun, not gonna lie…

Here’s the thing. What we say and what we feel are two different things. People wonder how I can say some things and act differently…

Maybe I am being fake. Ionno. But I can choose to act according to my will, despite my feelings. Even if I dislike someone I can still choose to do my best to bless that person (as if my blessings have any merit without Christ…) or serve that person.

Even if I have lust towards a girl, I can still have self control.

Even if I have pride, I can do my best in attempting to stay humble.

Or, the flipside. Even if I am saved I can still act sinfully.

But Christ here, when he died for our sins, did it both out of love and choice.

How we pale in comparison to him.

*

Why are we so scared to say that Christ loves us despite all of this?

We are so weak. We’re lame.

I am so weak. I am so lame.

I am scared to not only say the fact that Christ loves me, that God loves me, but also to accept that fact.

But isn’t this the Gospel? That despite everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, and will happen this week and the next, God still loves me. He still looks at me and sees Christ, who came down and saved me?

How… coincidental, or maybe ironic that my name is Sean.

Sean —> John —> God is Gracious.

How gracious you are God, unto me that despite everything going on around me, my pride, my lust, my selfishness, that you still love me.

How great thou art.

Can you break my heart? I don’t have the foundation to begin to do that myself.

I don’t have the means to that myself, God.

Can you melt my heart again God?

I want my actions to be based out of love, not just discipline or the way I choose to act. I want it to be in worship, out of response to your grace.

*

I repent. Honestly, not wholeheartedly. I’m just trying to be real.

I understand, in my mind, the gravity of the situation but my heart is holding me back.

And, I repent for repenting, that I even have the nerve to repent, to come before you and say that I’m sorry.

I know that you have your arms wide open for me, but darkness has nothing to do with light, but thank you Jesus, dying for my sins that I can continue to try, continue to get up.

You are not my excuse to give up, but my excuse to continue to try.

*

K.Time to hide this with a bunch of re-blogs of art that i like.

Mmmm. Re-downloaded 30 seconds to mars. All of it.
Including the new stuff....

Remembered one of the songs (The Kill) was on when I made my way to the bathroom with a knife. Almost cut myself. Friend talked me out of it.

*this was like four years ago...

It's still a very good song. It moves me.

Moves me.

Move me.

I feel like such shit right now.

*

You're studying abroad. I bet you're having the time of your life.

My GPA wasn't high enough for that.

*

I want to tell you everything.

But I feel like the last time I did that I just made you insecure.

*

Where are these feelings for you coming from?

I never felt this way about you before.

*

I want to be back in Boston now. I like seeing my mom, I like the weather here, but I want to go back now.

*

Maybe it's because I vented last night that I'm feeling so insecure and vulnerable...

Im craving intimacy again.

I'm such a hedonist.

I wanna get high right now.

I'm such a hedonist.

*

Why am I so scared to say that Christ loves me? That God loves me? That the Holy Spirit is still living in me, working in me, even if it's unseen?

*

Why am I sitting here bitching?
God has me in his hands right?
Ugh. I'm going to be okay.

I've gone through things and made it out okay.

God has brought me through things and made me okay.

Ugh.

I want someone. So badly. Maybe I'm being too picky.

...why do I sound like a thirteen year old? Sigh.

I realized this a month or so ago.

But I forgot until today.

I just spent 100$ on another new pair of shoes.

I don't really need them. A lot of my shoes are breaking apart. But I have so many pairs of perfectly fine ones.

What is wrong with me?

Mmm.

So a few months ago. I remember this time when I was very annoyed with a close friend of mine. I wouldn't hang out with this person because certain tendencies would really piss me off. And then one night this person flipped out at a mutual friend. It was then I realized why this person was like this. It was so like me about a year ago.

At that time I wished I could've made life decisions for someone else. We'll call this person J. J did tons of drugs. Cut school all the time. Was more or less what we would consider a "bad egg" or "black sheep". I remember at the time, how I wanted so badly to just make decisions for J. It's been a while since then and I've learned that, as much as I may care/we may care about other people, we cannot live for them. We cannot make decisions for them. We cannot study for them. Always be there to protect them.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. It's just the way life is. Yaknow?

But, personally for me. As much control as I have let go of certain things, as much as I'm becoming more and more of a person who just takes things as they come, I am holding on SO tightly to a few things. I still want that control. A lot of things are out of control of my life. My parents marriage. My friends and their habits.

My salvation.

I still want that control. I still want to hold onto some things.

So I buy clothes and shoes I don't need.

But here's where another frustration lies:

I hate that I do that. Everything I am I hate; I see so much fault and issues with it. I hate asking my mom for more money. Ugh.

Sigh.

I'm such a little bitch. I want to focus on myself. I like feeling this despair. I like feeling down.

But I hate it at the same time.

Why am I so afraid to say that Christ loves me?

*

Why am I in such a period of introspection?

I feel like, and sadly maybe it's been a long time coming, that my heart has hardened in an odd way.

At least, odd to me.

I feel like I'm better off on my own.

Too many relationships that have just failed or left me hanging (albeit, some of them have me to blame), would reinforce a lot of bad mentalities.

Whether it's, I wasn't good enough, or I made a mistake, or I'm keeping someone busy... It's all there. Bad mentalities reinforced by bad relationships.

I feel like this is why I'm picky with girls. Why now, I second guess wanting to be in a relationship. Why I'll hook up once with someone and immediately back off if there are signs of affection.

I just feel like, "Hey, I'm better off on my own."

I mean it's much deeper and more intricate than I'm making it sound... of course I'm not gonna be deliberately mean to anyone or intentionally hurt someone, but really, I'd rather be on my own. As much as it's nice to think about being with a pretty girl.

I feel like I'm better off on my own. Y'all are gonna just let me down again and again. And maybe I have such high expectations, and maybe in my mind I'm thinking all I need is God. But where is the family? Where is the body of Christ? Wasn't that something almost (maybe? even a little bit?) guaranteed when Christ came into my life and saved me? When I accepted him as my lord and savior?

Ah. But people aren't perfect, and I understand this, so I just say, "aiite, whatever. They're just busy."

And my Bro says to me when I tell him this, "that's what grace is."

And this is also after venting to him, and telling him how bitter and angry I get when I try to talk to his ass and he never responds.

No family. Parents basically divorced. They don't live together. They don't talk. I call mom occasionally. I'm basically living by myself while my mom supports me from a couple hundred or maybe a thousand miles away. When I see a mixed couple I assume it will fail. And If they have a son, I feel sorry for that child.

Yeah. No one keeps me accountable. And I don't want to try anymore. Sorreh.

...knowing me, I will. But damn. in the back of my head, I'm already getting ready for another failure. I'm already assuming that you will get tired of me. Our interests will shift. I will hurt you. You will hurt me. Something will happen. And you will be gone.

And I mean I want that intimacy. But it's like, twisted now. I dunno how much I want it anymore. I want a committed intimacy. I want a real relationship. Not another failure. But I'm always expecting that failure.

That's a bad mentality man. Wish it wasn't like that. Should be about love.

Where's the commitment? That GODLY love? That love that commits regardless? I mean I could be wrong about this too, but damn. Just damn.

Why should I try? Why should I try? Why should I try?

I'm probably better off on my own.

I've been feeling really weird recently.

I've been very close to tears... but in the best way possible? Ah. Maybe I just want to cry.

I had a nice talk last night with a brother.

A lot was brought to the surface I think.

Definitely feeling... different. Not bad. Just... different.

Maybe it's the nice weather and just my heart.

Nice weather, heart in a mix.

Blarg.

I was gonna come here and vent a lot.

But I was so tired that I just took a nap instead. Slept one hour last night.

Cried as I walked to the campus shuttle stop.

Might've bombed my quiz.

Mom says "This will make you stronger."

I come home and sleep.

I'm craving intimacy right now. It's ridiculous how it's manifesting itself.

*

I was also reading over the comments people have posted on this blog...

I want to meet you all.

Or just you if it's one person...

*

Busy day today and for the rest of the week.

Busy day today and no rest for the weak.

...but it's gonna be all good. =]

Just posted this on my tumblr...

So uh. Last few days I’ve been so unmotivated to study.

Both of my parents have MAs. Where are they working now?

It seems as if, and I could be wrong about this, that me getting a BA only slightly increases the amount of money I could be making once I get out of college (taking into consideration some of the connections I have with potential future employers…). Not to mention the way things, and again I could be wrong about this, are going, jobs seem to be more and more scarce, and although education seems to be the key to the future, I am very discouraged. I’m surrounded by tons of people who work hard and study hard. I’ve grown up with this my entire life. I can literally name you person after person after person who has played this role in my life (Or maybe I’ve let them play that role) in which I have just felt so… dispensable? Maybe commonplace is the better word. I never made it into the college I wanted to get into. Sure I’m in a great college, but again, most of the people here placed it as a fourth, fifth or even sixth choice school.

When I even begin to think about the possibility of me becoming a doctor or a lawyer or some sort of engineer or CEO. I just think of all of those other people who were that much better than me who would probably fit those jobs better… take those jobs. And yeah, there are a lot of jobs left for me, but that’s exactly what I’m saying…

Dad. (It’s funny how I think a lot of things stem from this. And I keep a lot of things about my dad private…) He read to me almost every night. Instilled a passion, a yearning to learn. And I think he was also the one to destroy that.

When people tell me to do something, I hate it. That’s why I hate doing the things my father tells me to do. I hate doing the things my father loves. Which sadly, may be my downfall in the end. My undoing. Fatal Flaw. Hubris.

He tells me to study; I basically go completely against that.

I have no motivation now. Where is he now? With your masters? With this broken family? If he is supposed to be my role model for what a man should be, what is he instilling in me?

I’m also finally referring to my father in the third person instead of the second person. I’m tired of posts where it’s just ‘you this’ and ‘you that’. What family brah? What family do I have? I’ve been on my own for the past few years with the help of mom basically supporting me. Where you at brah?

All I think when I see mixed couples with kids is how that family is destined to fail.

People point out that I don’t talk about my parents or my family very often.

Yep.

I don’t want to do my work. It seems futile.

It’s funny how it seems as if I have symptoms which remind me of those of ressentiment: I’m learning about it this semester in one of my sociology classes.

What’s out there for me? God I know you have a plan, but right now I’m just feeling so unmotivated.

My GPA’s shit. Law school seems so distant at this point; Mom’s hopes for me seem like they’re going to turn into big letdowns.

I feel like I’m stuck. Maybe some sort of middle class.

Maybe I’m not thinking about the right things right now. I’m probably just focusing on the bad things.

Time to hit the books. Then hit the bed. Or maybe just the bed.

*

Blarg.

I hope I dream a full week tonight.

"You don't know who I am. I wish I knew who you were... "

=D Partytime?!

/forreal, if I'm in the right mood (aka not mornings) I'm generally down to meet new people... although over the internet is semi-weird.

//edit

I just realized what post this comment was linked to.

Whoever you are, if I really don't know you, thank you very much for your kindness =]

Maybe it'd be cool to talk one day.

"Why do you say you're not the most masculine guy around?"
To whoever is commenting/still reading this ><

I think I say that because I feel like I tend to be more... "feminine" in nature?
I just don't think I'm very stereotypically what people think of when they think of a guy... But maybe I'm just pushing that view onto myself, and then saying that I'm not that masculine hahahaha.
I never really got into sports, I'm much more of an artistic-feeling oriented person I think. And I'm not saying that guys can't be like that at all, but i just sort of look at a bunch of the guys around me, and I'm pretty different from them.
Yeah. Ionno if that answers anything. =P

ASDGADG:AS WHO R U?!

Bwahahaha.