Foo...

...you can't fight Goliath without GOD.

I had an interesting week...

I know early on I learned a bit more about faith.

Towards the end I stumbled. And God brought me back to my feet.

I also recently got my external hard drive back and put a lot of music back onto my iPod.
It's very different, I'm seeing a lot of old bands/songs in a new light.
And I like that.

So...

***

Friday, I had a blearg day.

My therapist and I talked, and I didn't really feel good at all afterwards.

I just... felt... "the weight of the world" or something.

That people didn't deserve the situations they were in,

That there was so much injustice and pain
And everyone needed help.

So I didn't do a lot of things I would usually do on a Friday;

Like go to class.
Go to Bible Study at BU.
Fencing Practice.
Dance Practice.

Instead.

I stayed home.
I did go to dance practice...
Didn't go to BU
Didn't fence.

I eventually went to campus to do work, get out of the house.

I got some work done, and I ended up sleeping over this girl's room.

We had some nice conversations.

But I shouldn't have been there.
I was conflicted most of the time.

Girls are one of my biggest weaknesses, and for a second I got complacent in my faith.

We didn't "do" anything.
All we did was talk.
And sleep.

But I shouldn't have been there.

God I'm sorry.

God I cannot fight Goliath without you.

David was picked because of his faithfulness, even with the little things.

And God equipped him as time went on, as he grew in faith and intimacy.

When any single sheep got away from him, he chased after it, and protected it from lions and wolves.

Of course he'd be able to kill Goliath; 'Cause God was with him.

Mmmm.

And I know that... God was with me...

But I was doing it on my own.

I am not perfect.

God I can't do anything without you.

***

I'm tired.

...I'd like to nap...

Aigoo.

***

It's very... humbling.

When something like this happens.

I know a friend of mine more or less kept me accountable.

And in that moment I got so angry, so... frustrated and confused.

But feeding that would've been the wrong thing to do...

And turning back to God is really the only option.

You win.

***

Mmmm. It's also, humbling to be open with the things that are wrong with me.

That "Hey, look, I sure as hell ain't perfect, but God still loves me. It doesn't give me the right to do things that are wrong, but I know God's working in me, and the more and more refined and broken I get, the more and more I will be able to say I am strong because of God's everlasting Grace.

So look at me, how imperfect I am,

and how perfect HE is.

And how much he loves me.

Fix me.

More than fighting Goliath's or tending sheep.

I just want to be close to you.

That will all come,

but for now I just want to be close to you.

You win.

I can't do anything without you God."